More Evolution Theories

We are....

2006-01-30T20:29:00.000-08:00

....on winter hiatus.

We'll be back soon, evolutionarily speaking.

Sinus Evolution

2006-01-29T07:45:00.000-08:00

I have a sinus headache. Please forgive me if this entry sounds a little stuffed-up, if you know what I mean. But I need to talk about the evolution of the sinus in the human species.

It turns out that according to NASA our sinuses have not evolved in 3.2 million years. Yes, it is true; we have the sinuses of alower mammals, like sloths and kangaroo rats. Our sinuses were designed for a brain capacity much smaller and slower than ours. That is why we have sinus pressure and sinusitis and sinus infections too. Because while we were evolving tool and language capacities according to NASA, our sinuses did not.

Imagine, if you will, if our sinuses had also developed tool-capabilities. Oh, the humanity. Well, according to NASA's reading of the Dead Sea Scrolls, it was all part of god's plan.

Dark Matter

2006-01-27T10:30:00.000-08:00

The latest in Universe Evolution Theories entails the ripping apart of everything in 20 billion years, caused by the force of Dark Matter on the expansion of the Universe. Ripping apart everything? Yes, everything. Even subatomic particles. Even strings. Ouch.

From Space.com:
A rather harrowing new theory about the death of the universe paints a picture of "phantom energy" ripping apart galaxies, stars, planets and eventually every speck of matter in a fantastical end to time.
Scientifically it is just about the most repulsive notion ever conceived....
Driving the known acceleration of the universe's expansion is a mysterious thing is called dark energy, thought of by scientists as anti-gravity working over large distances.
Conventional wisdom holds that the acceleration will proceed at a constant rate, akin to a car that moves 10 mph faster with each mile traveled. With nothing to cap the acceleration, all galaxies will eventually recede from one another at the speed of light, leaving each galaxy alone in a cold, dark universe within 100 billion years. We would not be able to see any galaxies outside our Milky Way, even with the most powerful telescopes.
That's the conventional view, remarkable as it sounds.
The Big Rip theory has dark energy's prowess increasing with time, until it's an out-of-control phantom energy. Think of our car accelerating an additional 10 mph every half mile, then every hundred yards, then every foot.
Before long, the bumpers are bound to fly off. Sooner or later, our hypothetical engine will come apart, regardless of how much we spend on motor oil....
If our species survives... here are some signs that scientists of the future will want to look for.
A billion years before the end, all galaxies will have receded so far and so fast from our own as to be erased from the sky, as in no longer visible.
When the Milky Way begins to fly apart, there are 60 million years left.
Planets in our solar system will start to wing away from the Sun three months before the end of time.
When Earth explodes, the end is momentarily near.
At this point, there is still a short interval before atoms and even their nuclei break apart. "There's about 30 minutes left," Caldwell said, "But it's not quality time."
And then what? Does the universe recycle itself? Is there something after nothing?
"We're not sure what happens after that," Caldwell says. "On the face of it, it would look like time ends."

Nice. On the other hand, our sun is scheduled for demolition in only 7 billion years:

Just as sure as the Sun comes up every morning, it is scheduled to die. Experts give it some 7 billion years, when it will turn into a bloated red giant. As the name implies, a red giant is a star swelled to gargantuan proportions. Earth would be first engulfed in heat and light, then vaporized.
Well before then, things will turn real nasty. In just a billion years, the Sun could be 11-percent brighter, scientists say, rendering Earth an inhospitable greenhouse. In 3.5 billion years, the Sun could be 40-percent brighter than it is today.
With our demise so clear on the cosmic horizon, astrophysicist Fred Adams of the University of Michigan and NASA's Gregory Laughlin got to wondering in recent years how the planet might be saved by gravitational interaction with a passing star. They ran computer simulations of possible encounters over the next 3.5 billion years, finding last year that the odds of the Earth being completely ejected from the solar system are one-in-100,000.
Slim odds. And life in the frigidity of deep space would be no summer picnic.
So Adams and Laughlin, along with Don Korycansky of the University of California, Santa Cruz, began to discuss consider how human intervention might bring about a more suitable long-term orbit, one that gradually expands with the aging Sun.
Their idea, which evolved from interaction with a star to rerouting a giant space rock to save Earth, will be published in an upcoming issue of the journal Astrophysics and Space Science.
"This is not an urgent problem," Adams stressed.

And from Darksyde at Dailykos comes a more precise description of the end of the world:

Dark Energy will keep growing; first stars and then planets will flatten like spinning pancakes and begin to throw off layer after layer of material. In the final year, the earth unravels in a high speed version of its original formation from space rocks, dust, and gas. Then the rocks, the individual dust grains, the larger molecules of gas, are sheared by the relentless, growing force. In the last few seconds, the very atoms are ripped asunder, the nuclei cut and cut again, reduced to lighter and lighter elements. Individual protons and neutrons are rendered into their constituent quarks and gluons. Perhaps the strings theorized to form the basis of all particles are then stretched and broken, photons, electrons, even theoretical gravitons, are destroyed.
Of particular interest is what might happen to Black Holes. When space is expanding considerably faster than the speed of light, General Relativistic solutions for all kinds of Black Holes are broken.
How long? Based on some estimates of the rate of growth in Dark Energy, in about 20 billion years the universe will be riven to quantum bits and beyond. It's not just matter which will be destroyed: The fabric of space-time itself will be shattered, liberating hitherto unheard of energies whisked away in the escalating, superluminal explosion! The universe would be shredded, not even empty space as we know it would remain: It will be violent, it will be glorious; it will be The End.
And maybe the beginning of a whole new era, one completely alien to our familiar cosmos of matter and energy, space and time. Or maybe it means the end of everything that ever was for all eternity.

It's just something to think about, keep in the back of your mind for a few billion years before starting to actually worry about it.

Evolution Right Now

2006-01-26T08:11:00.000-08:00

It's happening right now. Evolution. Right in front of our eyes.

It was bound to happen. The United States Supreme Court is not an inviolable, unevolutionariable institution. In fact, the constitution never explicitly gave the court the power of Judicial Review. It took Marbury vs. Madison to jumpstart the court's evolution. So it comes as no surprise that the court evolves over time. And we are now watching the birth of a new court. Feel the pain.

Senators in Need of a Spine

But portraying the Alito nomination as just another volley in the culture wars vastly underestimates its significance. The judge's record strongly suggests that he is an eager lieutenant in the ranks of the conservative theorists who ignore our system of checks and balances, elevating the presidency over everything else. He has expressed little enthusiasm for restrictions on presidential power and has espoused the peculiar argument that a president's intent in signing a bill is just as important as the intent of Congress in writing it. This would be worrisome at any time, but it takes on far more significance now, when the Bush administration seems determined to use the cover of the "war on terror" and presidential privilege to ignore every restraint, from the Constitution to Congressional demands for information....

A filibuster is a radical tool. It's easy to see why Democrats are frightened of it. But from our perspective, there are some things far more frightening. One of them is Samuel Alito on the Supreme Court.

(link from Eschaton and Daily Kos.)

Dragons on the Streets of Anchorage

2006-01-23T16:51:00.000-08:00

What if there really are dragons in Anchorage, Alaska? Would that change our understanding of the world? Would science have to admit that it really had no idea that there were dragons in Anchorage? Would religion have to admit it also? Would you?

Dragons on the streets of Anchorage....

The Truth

2006-01-22T07:31:00.000-08:00

Some people have complained that they think I make up some of these theories of evolution that I have collected. Nothing could be further from the truth. Now, I'm not saying that every theory is the truth, merely that they are real theories, whether true or not. Truth is not the issue. You don't have to agree with or believe every theory for them to be theories.

So it came as a great pleasure to me to see that Eric Alterman has written an article called "Never Mind the Truth." So you readers out there should pay heed, and remember, it's not about the truth, it's about the theory.

As Eric concludes, "Never mind, most of all, the truth."

Truer words were never said. Just go read the article.

Blue Green Algae

2006-01-21T09:53:00.000-08:00

The New York Times reprints a scholarly article originally printed in the Scientific Advancement Society's Monthly Journal, Advances in Science Monthly, that shows the recent evolution of Blue-Green Algae. In the list of 7 kingdoms of life on Earth, Blue Green Algae is neither plant nor animal, and the life forms are very very small, so we generally don't care about them at all. You don't see much popular fiction with Blue Green Algae as the protagonist.

So it comes as a great surprise that this new article shows that Blue Green Algae is undergoing a rapid evolution from tiny tiny life forms to larger and more complex life forms. They've already broken the centimeter barrier and within 5 years should be as big as a meter.

Now, my fear, wholly unsupported by the study, is that it is only a matter of time before they start to evolve intelligence. And then what? THEN WHAT?????

Co-Evolution Takes a Turn for the Worse

2006-01-18T08:12:00.000-08:00

Man and Dog have co-evolved for many thousands of years. From the first time a wolf came into the fire circle of a caveman, tamely, with tale between legs, and man gave him a biscuit. To today, as described on Salon.com (reg. req'd or view an ad).

They even have their own association -- the Association of Professional Animal Waste Specialists (aPaws). A group of concerned scoopers started the organization in 2003 to increase awareness of the importance of proper animal waste disposal. The association, which has close to 100 members, also hosts the annual Pooper Scooper Round-Up. The three-day conference offers workshops, guest speakers and the always-popular Turd Herding Contest, in which participants compete to see who can pick up the most dog turds (technically sun-blackened pieces of potatoes) the fastest. The next Pooper Scooper Round-Up is scheduled for February in Orlando, Fla.

Indeed.

Politics and Evolution in Ancient Rome

2006-01-18T07:06:00.000-08:00

It has come to my attention that people are concerned with my recent foray into the evolution of politics. They believe that maybe my mind is wandering a little too far from the topic at hand. Nothing could be further from the truth.

For in times of great political evolutionary pressures, there are also biological evolutionary pressures that come to bear in times like these, when these kind of things are kind of happening. The precedents are startling, to say the least.

For instance, in the year 32BC in Ancient Rome when Caeser seized Imperial power and the Roman Republic ceased to exist, was also the very same time when the monkeys of the world evolved their screeching shouts and yelps in the trees. Since then, monkeys gained an evolutionary advantage over the sloths that don't screech and shout. Thus the great variety of monkey species to this very day! and the great paucity of sloth species.

Also, within 5 years of the accension of Caesar in Rome, the dinosaurs were finally and for all time extinct.

Evolution in America

2006-01-17T06:55:00.000-08:00

From Bill in Portland on Daily Kos comes this evolution of war thinking in America, from the 18th century to the 21st.

Portraying the 18th century ideals is Ben Franklin, man-about-town and inventor of electricity. For the 21st century we have George W. "I'm a uniter, not a divider" Bush.

Bush: America must not ignore the threat gathering against us. Facing clear evidence of peril, we cannot wait for the final proof, the smoking gun that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud.
Franklin: All wars are follies, very expensive and very mischievous ones. In my opinion, there never was a good war or a bad peace. When will mankind be convinced and agree to settle their difficulties by arbitration?

Bush: The fact that somebody leaked this program [of illegally spying on Americans without a warrant] causes great harm to the United States. There's an enemy out there.
Franklin: Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.

There you have it. Progress marches on.

The Evolution of the Democratic Party

2006-01-16T10:26:00.000-08:00

update 1/27/06:

(Graphic Deleted)

(It appears that the democratic party really has evolved recently. John Kerry and Ted Kennedy have called for a filibuster. Dianne Feinstein is now saying she will vote to uphold the filibuster. Props to Senator Feinstein.)

Evolution of America

2006-01-16T06:43:00.000-08:00

The Alito hearings sure sucked - the evolution of our country is at hand.

It seems likely the Alito/Bush theory of an Imperial Presidency will be approved by the Senate either tomorrow or next week. The right to privacy and legal abortion will soon thereafter be dismantled.

Evolution is a slow process. Or it happens all at once. Either way, you never know exactly how the world is changing while it is happening, but this sure seems like a moment of truth for America.

I'll have more on the evolution of the democratic party later today.

ID Creationists and Aliens

2006-01-11T11:49:00.000-08:00

The biggest issue I have with the forces of ID Creationism is that they disregard the evidence of Extra-Terrestrial Life on Earth as one of the possible generators of the appearance of the various species.

They ignore the Crop Circles and the Pyramids. They don't look into the Landing Strips in the Andes and the Tales of Anal Probes in the Appalachians. They completely disregard the known government coverup in Area 51, and the proven existence of Atlantis too.

For the ID Creationists it's always God this or God that. Well look at that Samuel Alito character - he looks like an alien. Are they saying God did that too? I think not.

Whereas the Evolutionists are strong supporters of all these Aliens who have come down to Earth to make the world a better place. For instance, there's Darwin - a nice enough fellow. Well, the Evolutionists have an explanation for Darwin that the ID Creationists would never consider - Darwin was an Alien. These are explanations that religion can never reconcile.

Thank you and God bless.

Afternoon of the Fauns

2006-01-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

It's time to get back from an extended vacation into the forests of Albania, and so I am flying back home tonight. While waiting in the first class lounge of Air Albania, while this internet connection still holds, I am passing along a favorite evolution theory of my Albanian hosts.

Two giants named Gretta and Fretta were ruling their kingdom of giants with gentleness and firmness when one afternoon a visitor from a foreign land came and turned the kingdom upside down with his theories that giants were not fit to rule other giants, but rather it was the fauns who must rule.

And in the ensuing battles, the fauns conquered the giants and slay the beasties. God was very pleased and forgave the fauns the blood they had spilled over the lands. In thanks, God gave the fauns a few magic beans to play with. These beans grew into giant beanstalks that led to a new land of giants up in the clouds that the fauns had not known about. So they climbed the beanstalks and killed all the giants living up in the clouds.

One day a boy named Jack found one of the magic beans and grew his own beanstalk and climbed into the clouds where he discovered a beautiful and magical land of fauns. He met a faun named Cheryl, and together they set up a home in the clouds and had many children. These children were the animals of the forests.

Another boy named John also received some magic beans and planted another beanstalk and climbed up and found another beautiful faun, this one named Susie, and they had a lot of children too, and these children became all the beasts of the sea. And so on.

So as it turns out, we people are not descended from primitive animals, but rather just the opposite.

When people and fauns interbreed, lower animals result. It is a tale of evolution in reverse. And soon the entire planet Earth was populated with millions of lower species. And this was good because some of them turned out to be delicious.

Meanwhile, the fauns still live up in the clouds and the people went back down the beanstalks and live on the ground, and the beasts of the land and the beasts of the seas and the beasts of the skies all live where they want to also. Good for them.

This is the tale the Albanians tell. At the pubs, after a bender.

Spores

2006-01-07T15:50:00.000-08:00

[1/11 UPDATE Below]

Several times in the last few days I've noticed a light brown glow on the horizon. Some say this is smog, but I know this is not true since it is not officially yet smog season here. So I have done a little research myself and discovered that the light brown glow on the horizon is a giant cloud of fungus spores released by a giant colony of fungi in SW Washington state. It is heading south and should reach the Yucatan Peninsula by Friday. This is significant because the Aztecs in the mid-14th century held a ceremony every year in honor of a similar cloud of fungus spores they experienced.

Now, 6 1/2 centuries later, the spore cloud has returned, and the Aztec Princess buried on Mt. Popopapa will rise from her grave to greet it. I am booking my flight and arranging for a guide so that I can be there to greet the Princess. This particular Princess was originally killed as a Virgin Sacrifice in the 13th century BC, and every 500 years or so she is reawakened to re-greet the spores.

These spores are the protectors of our species. They came from the star system they call Hieronymous Bickel, and they arrived to provide us protection in times of trouble. They are the Fungus Spores, and now is their time. As our world is spiraling out of control, they provide the needed stability to reaffirm our place in the Universe.

And everyone else thinks it is just a little smog. Hah! I'll show them. Next week it will all become clear, and the world will rejoice, and the Princess will notice my devotion and will marry me and will no longer be a Virgin and I'll be her Prince and we will save the world this one last time before we take over and rule it with an Iron Thumb. So go ahead and practice your bowing down before me this week, as next week you will most certainly need this skill to survive our terrible reign.

UPDATE 1/11/06: The test results are in, and it was smog.

Rat-Like Creatures

2006-01-05T17:42:00.000-08:00

We've been out of touch for a few days, and I may not have internet access again for a few more days. We'll see. But while I can get in here I thought I would tell you about an evolution theory told to me by a hotel clerk in Higgins, AR. We were just passing through on our way elsewhere and spent the night at this lovely and wonderful Super 8 and the night clerk was named Gerald and he told me this story:

"I was walking on the left side of the sidewalk as I often do, since it was Friday, and I noticed in the window of the Piggly Wiggly a shopping cart that glistened. I did a double take and looked again, and this time it winked at me. Yes, I know it sounds silly, but that shopping cart winked at me. That was when I heard the loud whoooshing sound down the street and noticed a strange rat-like animal emerge from the front door of the local genetic-engineering lab. It was bigger than a possum. It had wings, but didn't seem to be able to fly. It had blueish gray fur. My theory is that this creature is the owner of the lab and is working on a cure for the baldness he was so clearly trying to hide with that hideous toupee. And indeed, I started watching every morning and evening and he comes and goes every day just like everyone else. And then one day this week he arrived without the toupee! And he was no longer bald! I say this rat is toying with the laws of nature and should be stopped, and his evil genetic engineering lab too."

Well, so far as that goes, maybe he's right, but another equally plausible theory is that an alien is disguising himself as a giant rat-like creature with the intent of fooling the lab employees while he works on breeding a part for his biological-spaceship so he can return home soon. I wish him "good luck" at getting off this planet.

Spider Eggs

2005-12-31T10:34:00.000-08:00

This weekend is a holiday here at the Bob Davis Institute World Headquarters in Anchorage, Alaska. So we're sharing a toast and ringing in 2006.

And we're hot on the case of a new theory that promises to be very exciting for the coming year. It is a theory of evolution unheard of in this day and age, though it was more common in the 14th century in Brussels and in the greater Amsterdam area. The short outline of the theory is that spider eggs spontaneously generate new species every time they hatch in a sealed jar filled with rags.

Mandate for the Coming Year

2005-12-30T09:04:00.000-08:00

In a year filled with mandates, we come to the end of our first year posting onto this internets thingy, and I realize that now is the time to review our mandate for the coming year.

Well, it turns out we have none. It is a very sad thing to see that we are in the same position as the Bush Administration, what with all the promise earlier this year for a mandate whithering away in the cold harsh light of dawn.

So we bring you this, our internal mandate for you:

We promise to keep up the good work, whether you are with us or against us. We promise to complete our stated task to collect not just one or two theories, but all the theories of evolution the world has ever known.

And so today, I present for you a theory of evolution that is so full of holes it will not last even two more days into the New Year. A theory so pointless that it can be summed up in one word. And here is that word, after 5 full paragraphs of preface: statistical anomalies. This is the theory that the Universe, like the Bush Mandate, is merely a statistical anomaly, having no real chance of actually existing, and only exists at this moment for the inanity of mathematical impossibilistic actualities.

A Quickie Theory

2005-12-29T09:03:00.000-08:00

Traditionally the week between Christmas and New Year's is a holiday known as "take the week off, we're closing the office, business isn't too good this year." But not at the Bob Davis Institute. Our business has been booming this year. Our sales are through the roof; and our collection of more evolution theories is busting its seams. So we're here. We're working hard for you. And we have many more evolution theories to share now and in the coming year.

Like this one: Zebras are an evolutionary dead-end from the Hippopotamus family. Now, this is just a theory. But the possible consequences from this are endless. The truthiness is remarkable.

And I just tossed it off in a matter of minutes. Sitting here at this here computer keyboard I entered the search parameters, cross-tabulated the optional codices, did a linguistic perambulation, researched the verifiable parts of the conclusions, typed it all up, and sent it out to the blogosphere. Well, I haven't sent it out yet; I'm still doing the typing part, but soon... Very soon...

Year in Review, 2008

2005-12-28T10:37:00.000-08:00

It's the end of the year and everyone's doing them, so who am I to argue? So on to our year in review; our top ten list, if you will. Except in evolution everything always moves forward, no looking back allowed, and so we here at the Bob Davis Institute and More Evolution Theories look to the future and present our prediction for:

Top Ten Evolution Theories and Other Evolutionary Advances of 2008, the good and the bad:

10. Golgoth the Magnificent, blessed be he, ruler of all the outer planets in the Solar System, evolved out of diamond dust on Mars before conquering Neptune and Uranus.

9. Cute puppies evolved when puppy genes were re-engineered to make them more irresistable, and come from a solution of fresh creamery butter and toasted almonds.

8. Venus is about to crash into Earth in early 2009 because Dinosaurs were re-evolved on Skull Island by the Evil Dr. Doom, thus throwing the entire galaxy out of equilibrium and forshadowing the doom of us all.

7. The latest human intervention in the evolution of Red Roses has resulted in flowers sooooo red that the entire planet has rejoiced in harmony and peace, abolishing all war forever on Earth.

6. The Bible tells us that Noah's Ark landed on Mount Ararat and the evidence found on this newly rediscovered mountaintop has proven once and for all that Noah was Dictator of the Known World in 4205-4192BC and that he flooded his entire populace in retaliation for complaints by "liberal traitors" about a little torture.

5. In reviewing the latest data on Intelligent Design Theory, introduced into the 7th grade curricula in Kansas and Michigan, the Pope has declared evolution good science.

4. Fairies were integral in the creation of the big cats; Lions and Tigers, and Bears too, many thousands of years ago as retaliation to the Pixies who had created Humans. In response, the Pixies slaughtered the Fairies in 1412BC in the Battle of The Golden Forest.

3. The Oceans are the source of all genetic diversity as a result of Rain - "God's Tears of Joy at His Creation."

2. In the early years of the Universe, one race took control of all the inhabited planets and killed off all the other species everywhere through the environmental degradation of the universe. That race? Humans! It was us all along! Nooooooo!!!!!!!

And the #1 Theory of Evolution for the year 2008: Our Alien overlords of the Cheney Clan from the Planet Abramoff in the Rove Galaxy were evolved from only the most evil of non-human genetic components.

Isis

2005-12-27T09:17:00.000-08:00

Over 10,000 years ago, Africa was a continent filled with many animals, but the rest of the world was barren. One day there came unto the world a girl child, the Egyptian god Isis, who was born in a small village in the outer reaches of Upper Egypt. The daughter of farmers content with their lot in life, Isis set off for the big city to make a name for herself. In those days, farmers raised their crops of rice and barley in relative peace, only stopping to fight the occasional war against the incursions of the Abyssians. But they were fortunate to live along the Nile Delta with its regular floodings. Farming was a quick and easy way to make a living in those days. Until the Pharoah, Amenhotep, sent his tax collectors demanding gold tribute. Since the farmers were raising rice and barley, and not gold, they didn't have gold tribute to pay to the Pharoah. And thus Pharoah sent a great pestilence amongst them, in the form of flood-resistant grasshoppers who would eat all their crops.

All this time Isis was living large in the city of Alexandria. She became a famous actress in the plays of Euripides; wealthy, successful and fulfilled. Or so she thought. But when she found out that her parents and all the other farmers from her hometown were being starved to death by the Pharoah's grasshopper minions, she became a bit perturbed. And she used her magic to cast a spell upon the Pharoah. (Did we say she had magical powers? Well, we did say she was a god, so we figured the magic was to be taken for granted.) And Pharoah became quite smitten with her. He came to all her performances and lavished his attentions on her, and bought her a lovely crocodile-skin luggage set. And then one night while he was sleeping in his bed after a night of passionate lovemaking, she went into his office that was hidden behind a secret stone panel in the bedchamber, and found the files about the grasshoppers. There she discovered that he had no way to stop them once they had started.

So she used her magic and turned the Pharoah into a puma. And then she took all the cats that were in the palaces and turned them into pumas too. And then she took all the retainers of the Pharoah, and all the ladies-in-waiting and turned them into pumas too.

Once the pumas were running around wild, and destroying everything the Pharoah owned, she cast a spell to make the grasshoppers disappear, and she built a great pyramid, and she freed the Hebrew slaves too. And she scattered the pumas to the four winds, and when they landed on the different continents they became: elephants in Asia, bears in Europe, bison in North America, pumas in South America, and penguins in Antartica. And from these first animals, they each gave birth to more species and soon the rest of the world was populated, and Africa became the origin and source for all life on Earth.

The Devil's Due

2005-12-22T17:50:00.000-08:00

The Devil is an odd and particular type of creature that lives in the forests of New Guinea. There are not many devils left in the wild, for they are hunted for their "horn" which is considered an aphrodisiac in Chinese Medicine. All remaining wild Devils are descended from the one true original Devil, Beelzebub, also known as Bob in some sections of Calculus III at the University of Michigan.

The Devils that are still living in the forests of Borneo are gentle and subtle creatures, not given to giant rousing shows of power like their forbears. No, they are peaceful while they can be. But they enter into the course of human evolution every now and then just for the fun of it. Like now.

See, in 1932 the United States entered a pact with the Devil, signed off by Congressional Leaders. The Devil agreed to raise up the United States to sole Superpower status by the end of the century, which it did. And now the Devil wants it's due. And so the Devil has decided to become The King Over us All, and there does not appear to be anything we can do about it. For this reason, we shall all become vassals; we shall bow down to the Devil King and rue the day we ever thought we could live without him. The Devil is nigh, and now we are affeared. All of Human History has come to this: The Day the Devil came to Collect his Due.

Fortunately, this is only a theory.

The History of ID in America

2005-12-22T06:58:00.000-08:00

Since Intelligent Design Creationism has been irremedially smacked-down, I think now is the time to discuss the history of ID in America.

It turns out that the History of ID in America began in Germany in 1332 when Martin Luther Stanhausen first nailed the 10 principles of ID Creationism on the Steeple of his church. Now you may ask what this crazy German Monk nailing things to his roof where people couldn't possibly have been expected to climb up and read them might have to do with America. And this I tell you: He was an American in disguise. He wasn't crazy, and he wasn't a monk at all.

The 10 Principles of ID Creationism, by the Monk Martin, as retold by Philip Johnson, American Architect of the Pantheon in Rome, in 1933 Berlin:

10. God created everything.
9. Evolution is a theory of how God created everything.
8. Evolution is wrong....
7. Therefore God created everything.
6. The irreducible complexity of the male nipple is all the proof you need.
5. If you need more proof, look at those bacterial machines
4. Look closer.... closer.... There it is! The machines! It's the machines!
3. The Design of the Mt. Rushmore mountain is evidence of the Intelligently Designed People.
2. So too was the NH "Old Man of the Mountain" until it collapsed two years ago. Now it is evidence of the Intelligent Design of the Cog Railway up the side of the mountain to nowhere.
1. If that's not proof, then I don't know what is. God is in the details. Less is More.

Those 10 points, stapled to a steeple by a monk named Stanhausen, are now the basis for all ID thought in America. And they have now been completely and irretrievably repudiated by the activist judges in Dover, PA.

UPDATE: More on the Future of the History of ID in America from Red State Rabble, The Loom, and Dispatches from the Culture Wars. Do you really want to know everything about ID that there is to know? Well, these fine bloggers will give it all to you - for FREE! Also, eSkeptic sure has a lot to say.

Trial of the Century!

2005-12-21T09:03:00.000-08:00

Well, the courts have decided that the so-called "Intelligent Design" theory of evolution is not to be an officially sanctioned alternative scientific-like Theory of Evolution. Now if they would only rule on the Pixie Dust Theory of Evolution, so we can get science classes moving forward again.

UPDATE: More from the French.

Australian Mice

2005-12-20T09:03:00.000-08:00

I've discovered one of the keys to the evolution of the mouse from the kangaroo in Australia. Even though I am not a biologist, evolutionary or otherwise, I do my experiments and follow up with peer-reviewed published reports right here on my weblog.

So I report to you (and the NSA operatives listening in) this finding: On the third section of Gene 23jh there is a small notch above the penultimate amino acid located underneath the oxalic perambulation that matches exactly with the same notch in the same place on kangaroos.

Now, you may ask if this correspondence proves causality. I mean, surely the kangaroo has evolved from the mouse and not vice-versa. But no, you would be wrong. Causality is proved because I am the cause of the original notch in the first place. So I can prove my Intelligent Design bonafides through the evolution of the Australian mouse from the Kangaroo and not vice-versa.

Bush's Advantage

2005-12-19T12:00:00.000-08:00

One of the advantages to spying on US citizens is that the Bush clan will be able to propagate further than they would otherwise be able to, thus providing a significant evolutionary advantage to all the Bushies for eons to come. That's the only explanation I can come up for avoiding FISA requirements.

The Government is Watching

2005-12-18T18:08:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling satisfied these days, what with domestic surveillance of Evolutionary Biologists high on the Bush Administration's list. Since I'm no Evolutionary Biologist, but rather a Collector of Evolution Theories, I feel secure in my person in these here United States.

The Ides

2005-12-16T07:11:00.000-08:00

December is the cruelest month, for it is the month when half of all species on any given planet will go extinct. Fortunately, April is the kindest month, when 90% of all new species on any given planet will spontaneously generate. Summer is a particularly fruitful time for these new species on your planet.

However, watch out for the Ides of March, for then is the time of the demons, when the demon species poke their tiny little heads up out of the cold cold ground and look around to see if it is time yet. Is it time yet for the demons? No. For it is December, and not the Ides of March, so calm down, for gods sake.

Noise

2005-12-15T07:15:00.000-08:00

There's a noise that is a very rare and remarkable noise that not many people can hear. It is the noise that was created at the beginning of the Universe. At the Big Bang, probably. If you too can hear that noise, please let me know that I'm not the only one, because it is driving me crazy right now, you know?

Dallas

2005-12-14T07:06:00.000-08:00

The city of Dallas rests on top of an old Indian Burial Ground. It's a big city, so it must have been a big burial ground. Which it was. Because for many millenia people came from all over the world to be buried in Dallas. This is for reasons similar to why a salmon returns to its home to spawn. In other words, we really don't know why, but there must be some strong biological urge, even an evolutionary advantage to it. Such are the mysteries of Dallas.

Billowing Ribbons of Consciousness

2005-12-13T07:58:00.000-08:00

Back when the world was young and the skies were a lighter shade of blue; back when the mountains were a little bit softer and the air was a little bit saltier; back in time to a place we can't find in the history books but still, late at night, we can hear in our dreams; back then there were long streaming ribbons of consciousness billowing in the wispy airstreams of reality.

We were each there back then, each of us a new consciousness just waking up from the straightjacket of eternity. We were joined together, but not forced together. We were one because we wanted to be one, each color and texture and taste of the world streaming. And slowly we started to differentiate ourselves, each ribbon slowly tearing from the currents that surrounded the earth in those days. Some of us were not so good at the task of individuating and some of us went high into the atmosphere, some even ripping the fabric of the protective thick coat encircling the planet and releasing the air like balloons releasing their helium to the skies. And many were lost in those days, following the streams into the aether. Maybe they're still out there, still traveling outwards in the ever expanding universe; maybe they've found a new home, a new planet, where they're individuation can continue without fears.

But here on earth we were already fighting, claiming the land as our own, quickly picking our territories as we landed from the skies and changed the world to suit our new bodies that we found buried deep within the mud of the earth. We claimed our bodies and our small piece of the earth and as much surrounding land as we could. Our consciousnesses were now completely separated, and the billowing in the winds of eternity had stopped forever and placed us flat on our faces to fight for just a corner of the world, our world, alone.

Pegasus Galaxy

2005-12-12T06:56:00.000-08:00

Great Beings from the Pegasus Galaxy tell me that we are a small species of minor intelligence in a small corner of a minor galaxy over there in the left corner of the Universe. This is their opinion, I tell them, but we are not to be underestimated. For we are the Humans of Earth I tell them, and we are the particular Humans of Earth known as Americans. And underestimate us at your own risk.

The Great Beings from the Pegasus Galaxy laughed at my humorous remarks. And they told me a story, that I share with you now:

You Humans from Earth are a small species. Generally under 6 feet tall. We Pegasansians are over 12 feet tall; we are a Big Species.

Also, God made us a few billion years before he made you guys, so we are clearly the favored species, having been around for much longer, and being so much taller too.

Also, here on our planet we have a rich supply of oil, endless even, that we are able to tap to fuel all our cars and motor homes, and we'll never run out. It is a renewable resource on our planet. So there. Hahaha. Watch what happens to your planet when you run out of oil, a "non-renewable" resource on your puny planet. We've seen it happen before on other planets:

God invents a new intelligent species and places them on an uninhabited planet somewhere out in the wastelands and they grow smart enough to use the oil and then one day they use it all up and the species then goes extinct within a matter of months. Only we Pegasansians were placed on a planet with unlimited and renewable sources of oil, and so we live forever. Good luck to you Humans and your Earth planet.

And with that, the Pegasansian cut off communications. I have taken his warning to heart and have started a new research project to develop a renewable source of oil right here on Earth. I hope you will join me in my search for the impossible as we try to reinvent the planet in God's oil-stained image.

The Bible Says It's So

2005-12-09T15:55:00.000-08:00

It's all a plot of the International Financiers. Not evolution, no, because Darwin was no "International Financier" if you know what I mean. No, I mean creationism. Think about it. Who created the very concept creationism? Well, let's take a look. It's all in the bible. The bible that was supported by "International Financiers" over 4500 years ago. I rest my case.

Revealing Secrets is my Job

2005-12-08T06:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I'm curled up in a ball, in the fetal position, while lying on my bed under the covers with curtains drawn and the lights off in the middle of the bright bright day, I think sad thoughts, like about how we are evolved from monkeys, or maybe that whales are more advanced than us but we just don't know it, or how the aliens aren't happy with the latest secrets of theirs that I have just revealed on this blog.

These are the risks of being a collector of evolution theories. It is a very dangerous business. Why, just yesterday, I got a call from a mysterious source with a mysterious voice in a musical language, and I was told to remove someone's name from one of the entries. Apparently, I was getting too close to the truth, and I was asked very gently with no apparent threat to cease and desist. I refuse to kowtow to the aliens among us, and so I refused. For your benefit. Now I feel I have put myself at risk, once again. Just like the time I wrote about the pigs and their theory of evolution, and suddenly I started noticing certain "signs" that could only have been warnings left behind for me by powers that were appalled at what secrets I had revealed.

I deal in secrets, and sometimes certain "people" "decide" that these "secrets" are too secret to be revealed, even to you, my loyal reader(s). So I have decided to place all my secrets into a safe place that the aliens and the pigs and the Bush Administration Lawyers can't find. So if this blog should ever stop without warning, you'll know why. And now you know that you need to find all the rest of the unpublished secrets before the government and their alien pigs find them first.

p.s. my secret hiding place is in Fargo, ND, in the crook of a tree in Carlton Park. The one by the swingset. It's in a 4" x 4" x 6" metal box. The key to the box is in Champaign, IL, in the crook of a tree in Carlsbad Park. The one by the soccer fields. It's in a plastic baggy, 3" x 4", with my name on the label. That's Bob, B - O - B, Davis, D - A - V - I - S. If it has Philip Weverka's name on it, then you have the wrong tree in the wrong park in the wrong city in the wrong state in this great country of ours called the United States of America, and don't you forget it.

Yes, Virginia

2005-12-07T06:45:00.000-08:00

Confidential to Virginia: Yes, Virginia, there is a Swamp Monster theory of evolution.

And no, this is not part of the "War on Christmas".

Voices

2005-12-06T08:18:00.000-08:00

The voices are demanding that I print this post. They are adament; who am I to disagree?

Shallow and powerless humans, we are coming to remove you from this planet of ours that you call Earth but that we know as Arkanistormy. We were born here many thousands of eaons ago, and went out one evening to get a pack of cigarettes. When we came back, last week, you had trashed the place. We leave you in charge for just one minute, and now look at what you've gone and done. We will destroy you and return the planet to its natural order. That is all. Now go back to watching your "Survivor" and your "Lost" and your "24 Hours".

There, Voices, now will you please leave my head? I've done what you asked and printed your statement. Now go away so I can catch the last few episodes of "Arrested Development" before it goes off the air forever.

Desmond the Shaman Lizard

2005-12-05T08:10:00.000-08:00

My masters have decided that I am being a little too flippant in my dismissal of certain, shall we say... "religious" theories of evolution. I don't think so. I think I have given them a fair hearing. But one of my masters in particular has demanded that I share with you this particular theory of evolution, that comes from the ancient and most wise Book of the Shaman Lizards (Jefferson Press, Middleton, MN, 1922, reprinted 2002):

Desmond the great and powerful Shaman is a Lizard of remarkable coloring - his scales are blue and yellow and red and green and they shimmer in the sunlight with the drops of dew dancing on his coat.

Desmond and his cohort Garranamal have ruled the Lizard seas for all eternity, and before. Together they have determined all the lower Lizards and their positions in the Pantheon. They have given form to the Frogs and let the Frog rulers Trudy and Barry carry on spreading the seas throughout the knwon Universe. Praise Desmond; Bless Garranamal.

They have brought into being all the Geckos, and given the Gecko rulers Harry and Celia dominion over all the plants and the trees, up to 12 feet in height. Praise Desmond; Bless Garranamal.

They have shown the light to the Dragons and delegated the creation of the Humans to the Dragon Coven known as the Wanderers. Praise Desmond; Bless Garranamal.

Well, I certainly hope that satifies my masters, at least for the coming week. I hope they don't force me to publish the next "Religious" theory on their list, the Theory of Brainless Zombies and their Masters.

The War on Christmas

2005-12-02T11:00:00.000-08:00

The War on Christmas has begun in earnest this season. Check out my book review of The War on Christmas by John Gibson.

It turns out that this war has a long history. In fact, it goes back to 3000BC when the Emperor Farbush IV enacted the Edict of Harmon outlawing the cutting of spruce trees, which is interesting since Christmas wasn't invented for another 3500 years.

Be that as it may, the holiday celebrations of Christmas have their origin in a little known evolutionary advantage that humans have in their genome. It is on the 541st gene, located on the 13th pair. It causes some people to listen to the same songs repeatedly for the month of December and to redecorate their homes every holiday, and it is called the Christmas Gene. 15% of the American public lack this gene, and thus do not celebrate Christmas.

Bill O'Reilly and John Gibson have made it their latest cause to promote genetic engineering science so that the 15% of unbelievers can have their genes reprogrammed by the end of the month, in time to celebrate Christmas with the rest of us. This is truly an act of kindness and charity that Bill O'Reilly and John Gibson are performing for this 15% of Americans who are clearly sick and unevolved.

Echinoderm

2005-12-01T08:06:00.000-08:00

Detailed studies of echinoderm dna have turned up traces of a chemical not otherwise known on Earth, called cistogeorgepraxisphilo-W-exprienciaticabush. The conspiracy theorists are having a field day all over the internets - this is being taken as proof of alien influence in our political process.

More about Cloning

2005-11-29T08:03:00.000-08:00

Cheryl Pododnik of Renfred, WI has emailed to tell me that the last post about Cloning is wrong. She say that there are human clones. Humans have been able to clone themselves for thousands of years. And we can do it through parthenogenesis.

Her theory of evolution is that humans have been cloning themselves since at least the year 5223BC. At that time, various leaders of various tribes got together and created a giant clone army to defeat the alien invaders.

The result was a huge success - both in terms of removing the alien threat, and also in terms of creating a future genetic database for all of humanity. We are the results of that clone army, that genetic database. In effect, we are all the children of 4 great rulers from that era - Hirarcsicalyeti, Fridascherbertandrob, Pentaclepotterpitty, and Jeff.

Where we think we are the product of our parents, through the insemination of the father's sperm into the mother's egg, through the act of sexual congress, in fact that is a smokescreen. We are all parthenogenetically enhanced versions of these 4 great rulers of the past. And glad of it, too. So it seems that Pierre really may be my French Clone after all. And glad for it, too.

Clones

2005-11-28T07:35:00.000-08:00

Cloning does not yet exist on Earth for people. While plants are regularly cloned, and some animals as well; Dolly the Sheep was an imperfect copy. And people are more complex than Dolly. So we are not yet able to clone you. Or you either, so give it up. You will not be able to clone an army of yourself to battle the evil empire with. Not gonna happen.

Unless you live on the planet Argherastic. There, the very intelligent people are not so complex. They've been able to clone themselves for millenia. Which has made their planet quite crowded with Argherastical peoples. So they've colonized other planets, directly affecting the evolutionary prospects of many planets - basically stopping evolution of higher beings right in its tracks, as the hordes of clones have filled the niche for intelligent life on these new planets before it could evolve naturally. And no natural disasters, of their own making or not, have stopped them in their tracks, since there is an unexhaustible supply of clones to replace all the dead ones. And there are lots of dead clones roaming the Universe right now as we speak.

Fortunately for us Earthlings, we were not visited by these hordes and hordes of clones before we evolved. However, we are now being inundated by them. So it is possible that we will not be able to further evolve. Hard to say.

But what is more important is the fact that these clones are warming up our atmosphere with all their "exhaust". Millions of clones have landed on earth and we are now starting to see the consequences of their being here - Global Warming. Oy, what will we do?

We cannot clone ourselves and go out into the wide wide Universe searching for planets to colonize. No, we are stuck here on this big blue marble we call Earth. And the temperature is rising. And the clones are coming at an ever faster rate. And I'm typing here as fast as I can, trying to get the word out, but to no avail. NO AVAIL! Please help.

Errata

2005-11-27T16:09:00.000-08:00

It has been brought to my attention that the previous post, about my French clone Pierre, had an error in it. Where I indicated that Pierre was my clone, what I meant was that he was a friend of mine from college. I'm sorry for the confusion. My apologies, especially to Jacques.

I am still working on the translation of Montieul's newest Theory of Evolution, and will have that for you tomorrow. It appears to be about cloning.

Pierre

2005-11-27T07:21:00.000-08:00

My french clone, Pierre, asked me to pass along a theory of evolution that his boyfriend Jacques has discovered. Jacques is not an Evolutionary Biologist, nor a scientist of any kind. So to say he "discovered" this theory is merely a literal statement of fact: Jacques discovered this theory in his garden one day when he was sowing some hibiscus seeds.

It was written up in nice neat handwriting, seven pages in total, with a plastic cover. It seems the neighbor boy, Montieul, had lost his college entrance essay, and had to come over later that evening to retrieve it from Jacque and Pierre. But before he left with it for school the next morning, Jacques copied it out. And Pierre immediately thought of sending it to me so that I could publish this 7 page hand-written, hand-copied, hand-translated and re-copied, essay on the Evolutionary Theory of Cloning.

Tomorrow I promise I will have it entered into the computer, all 7 pages of it, and will publish it here on this Internet site, for all the world to read and appreciate. Because Montieul is a very smart and beautiful young man, so my French clone Pierre tells me, and he has invented a very significant new Theory of Evolution. I shall see. And tomorrow, so shall you. Bon chose, mon ami.

Danielle Steel

2005-11-26T07:06:00.000-08:00

Danielle Steel is the Mother of us All. She is the progenitor and the premixitor. The granter of life and the decider of death. The Intelligent Designer and the Evolutionist. She is the Dominar and the Author; the writer of fictions and the teller of tales; the bartender of the ingredients of life and the sharpshooter of the ends of the earth.

She is like unto a God to me. Danielle Steel is my friend.

Sixteen

2005-11-23T11:28:00.000-08:00

Jesse Sonderbroden of Listings, MT has been working on his Masters in Evolutionary Biology at the University of Monata, Listings. however, he has a personal bias towards an alternate theory of evolution he has agreed to share with us.

There are sixteen aural tones that can be heard by the human ear. And there are sixteen distinct colors that can be visualized from a distance of 16m by the human eye. And there are sixteen different breeds of pack animals that can be used to hike the Grand Canyon. There are also sixteen Cloud formations, sixteen qualified Sherpas on Mt. Everest, sixteen types of angels that can all work together to get themselves to fit on the head of a pin, and most importantly of all sixteen separate clearly distinct gene groups in the human genome. These are not merely coincidences; they are facts. And the facts point the way to the truth, the true mechanism of evolution: Crystals. Sixteen-sided hexamegahagonagonal crystalline Crystals. From the Ukraine.

All the energy in the world that comes from the sun is redirected through these crystals and comes out the other end as usable energy in the form of sixteens. This energy is taken by biological units in increments of sixteen and used to create new life forms at sixteen millenia-year intervals. Sixteen wise men are currently working on a new engine that will take over this formulation and use it to power a V16 engine. And then we will be independent of the sixteen middle-east countries in OPEC that control all our vital fluids.

OK, so this doctoral student may not be the sharpest tack in the cupboard.

Iraq

2005-11-22T07:33:00.000-08:00

If you've been wondering when I would address the situation in Iraq, today is your lucky day. Because I have a theory. A theory about the future of Iraq. Please, let me explain.

We all know that the US has been busy over the last 4 1/2 years developing a race of Super-Soldiers. But what you may not have known is that the NIH has decided to base their Super-Soldier program not on the Marines, but on Lab Monkeys. Yes, that is right, our government has developed a race of Super-Soldier-Lab-Monkeys! They're not ready yet, but soon. Soon.

What is great about this development is that no US citizens have been experimented on without their permission. Only monkeys. But they get to be Super-Soldiers! This evolution of monkeys will eventually catapult them past humans on the evolutionary scale. Once they re-conquer Iraq, put down the insurgency, and reinstate the No-Fly-Zones, then they will next conquer Iran and Syria! Woohoo! Next, the world! And we're going to get to be their slaves, if we're nice.

So please, pray with me that we can be nice enough that the Super-Soldier Monkeys will allow the human race to survive as their Slaves and not just kill us all off instead.

Not Bob Woodward's Source

2005-11-21T17:50:00.000-08:00

Michael Berube has asked me personally (and all other bloggers too) to confirm whether or not I am Bob Woodward's unnamed source. I deny the implication. I most certainly did not talk about Valerie Plame's work at the CIA in my interviews with Bob in 2003. We were discussing a new theory of evolution involving a single bullet discovered in the oval office after Ford lost the 1976 election; that is all.

Ignore this Post

2005-11-20T15:44:00.000-08:00

Private note to KR: I will not forward you those documents I discovered in my research while in DC without proof that you're the one referred to in the indictment.

Big Brains

2005-11-19T08:56:00.000-08:00

Big Brains control the Universe. They decide which planet will be the next one to be blessed with an oxygen-rich atmosphere, when plants will evolve flowers, whether animals will be big like dinosaurs or small like ameobas, and even what time of day will be Afternoon Tea. They leave nothing to chance. They control the fleas and the ticks, the wood nymphs and the naiads, the tressle bridges and the sewer pipes. For they are the Big Brains.

The live in a sector of the Universe known to them as Sector 1A. Earth is a planet they created in Sector n1240bnv bv;p. ,./vv.

Monkeys are their favorite animal they created on earth. They love their shenanigans in the jungles. They are starting to get mad at us humans for chopping down the jungles. Something may have to be done. The Big Brains may have to travel back here to earth at any moment to correct some errors in the machine. We are powerless to stop them, for they are the Big Brains.

Vital Fluids

2005-11-17T06:50:00.000-08:00

The 5th rib on some people is shorter, by 2mm, than would be expected by measuring the other ribs. This occurs in 3.22% of the population. This small piece of evidence is part of a larger plot to emasculate the young men of America.

It all started 62 years ago, when a body washed ashore on the coast of Eastern Washington. This body was mutilated in 6 places, and had a shorter 5th rib - the first to be discovered. Since then, 3.22% of all dead male bodies under the age of 25 have been discovered to have this same malformation.

In 1962 a key piece of evidence was revealed when the underground labs of Dr. Modesto were discovered in Brenda, Arizona. Dr. Modesto had died in a horrible industrial accident, but the one thing the investigators found that they were looking for is proof that Dr. Modesto was working on a Shrink-Ray Gun. (dum do dummm....)

In March of this year, the year 2005, on the 17th of March at dawn, before noon, another lab was discovered in Chillicoot, Montana. This lab was the lab of a Dr. Hildegard. Dr. Hildegard was working a new kind of Shrink Ray. A type of Shrink Ray that wouldn't require a gun! Thank god the authorities stopped Dr. Hildegard before he had perfected his new type of Shrink Ray, for otherwise there was the possibility that this new type of Shrink Ray would not have been confined to use on the 5th rib of nubile young American boys, but would have been used elsewhere, if you know what I mean.

Dr. Hildegard was close to emasculating American young men, once and for all, and then where would we have been? At the mercy of the French, that's where. Our women would have had a whole generation of babies from the Frenchmen that had been buying their airline tickets in anticipation of Dr. Hildegard's breakthrough. The entire American system of government would have collapsed within decades, and we would have all evolved into Frenchmen! (dum do dummm.....)

Thank god for the red blooded American FBI agents who saved us, saved all of us and our vital fluids, from contamination by the French.

Fungus

2005-11-16T06:50:00.000-08:00

OK, the research is in, and there's a recently discovered fungal colony on the moon. No, really. Go check out the NASA links, and then come back, I'll wait.

Good. So what does this mean for future evolution theories? Oh, it means a lot. For instance, if it turns out the fungal colony has a strong leader, then that would imply that we have evolved to respect authority. On the other hand, if the fungal colony on the moon is leaderless, then civil rights would be paramount. And if the colony is not only leaderless, but also rudderless, then clearly we were not meant to have sailed across the seas, and so we should all go back to Africa where people came from. So you can see how this new finding of a fungal colony on the moon is critical to the future of evolution theories. And none too soon, I may add.

I will bring you all the latest updates on this fascinating new branch of research, fungolutionariology, as soon as the scientists finish their initial studies. Get to it guys! (And gals!)

Theatrical Endings

2005-11-14T06:39:00.000-08:00

I have a wonderful new theory of evolution to share with you all, but not today. It is too complex to get my notes together into a blog post this morning. So instead, I will regale you with tales of dragons, and knights in shining armor.

Once upon a time there was a fair Knight by the name of Sir Gladhad. He was a very good Knight, insofar as he killed all the local dragons and saved all the local princesses. But he was not so good a Knight that he wasn't above shtooping the princesses that he saved. Not that they minded, those ice-princesses. They melted in his hands. And nine months later, he had a son. Or a daughter. And they were all bastard princes and princesses - true royals left abandoned in the woods by the Kings and Queens who were embarrassed by them. So he gathered these princes and princesses over the years and formed a traveling theater company, The Royal Theatre Company, Etc..., that was well known throughout the known world. A very good time was had by all, especially when they traveled to London for a show in March of 1433.

For more information about good Knights and Dragons, please visit your local library.

Hybrids

2005-11-12T09:27:00.000-08:00

Walking on a cool crisp fall afternoon
The path dotted with dying leaves
Carried off to a place far, far away
Farther than even I can imagine.

We are people together on one planet
Until they come to take us away
And they have genetic engineering
Technology to use on each of us.

We are people together for now
One planet Earth for us all
But when the aliens experiment on us
We will be hybrids, even a new species

Further evolved
on the road to Nirvana;
On a cool crisp fall afternoon
Dotted with dying leaves.

Ritual and Cycle

2005-11-12T08:08:00.000-08:00

As I sit and watch the American Republican Party disintegrate in a fiery ball of flaming corruption, I am reminded of an ancient theory of evolution, practiced by the Poyte Band in Northern Sacristan (in modern-day Phibia). The theory would have us believe that the Universe is cyclical - what goes up must come down; yesterday's news is tomorrow's news; mice evolve into badgers evolve into Gorgon Monsters evolve back into mice; Vice President's offices are the fount of all evil plaguing the world one moment, and then they are thrown from office in a cleansing ritual only to be replaced by another, more evil Vice President the next day.

Warming Up

2005-11-11T16:22:00.000-08:00

I'm back and warming up just fine - thanks for all the concerned emails.

I'd like to spend a moment here and mention a theory that is very early in its development. It may not even rise to the level of theory yet, so maybe I should shelve this post for a few months; but no, I feel that you the reading public deserves a look at this new and exciting field of study in the more evolution theories field of study.

Ants.

Yes, ants. Ants are geniuses, according to this theory. And they're coming to get you soon. They're evolving at a rate faster than any other animal species, having mastered farming techniques, hunting and gathering, and building co-ops. Soon they will be using their massive musculature to threaten our dominance on earth, to threaten our very way of life.

Among the scientists researching this exciting new and burgeoning field of ants are Dr. Philip Weverka of the Oakland Institute of Michigan and Jennifer Tilly, the Hollywood actress.

Blankets

2005-11-11T08:06:00.000-08:00

It's very cold in here this morning. I need a blanket. How can I search for more evolution theories in the world if I can't feel my fingers? Work will have to wait, I'm off to the store to buy a blanket. And gloves, too.

Dimensional Instabilities

2005-11-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

One theory of evolution comes to us from deep within the theory of Quantum Mechanics in the field of study known as theoretical physics. Superstring Theory, one of many possible grand unified theories, contains more than 3 space dimensions. In fact, there may well be 10 space dimensions! And one of those dimensions is the dimension on which evolution occurs! It is the 7th dimension. It is curled up tightly as a ball on top of the 5th dimension, beside the 6th dimension which also expands into the 8th dimension. The 9th and 10th dimensions are unspeakable (Evil resides in the 9th dimension, while Dick Cheney's bunker is in the 10th). The 4th dimension is to be found in your grandmother's purse, thus providing a convenient place for you to store your old car keys.

Back to the 7th dimension, the evolution dimension. It turns out that we can move forward and backward (Symmetry) on all three space dimensions (up/down, forward/backward, left/right), and the time dimension (future/past). But the 7th dimension turns out to be one directional - you can only move forward. Thus we find on one end of the evolution dimension: Dinosaurs. And on the other end we find: Birds. Remarkable! On one end we find Proto-Monkeys, and on the other we find Homo-Homo-Sapiens! Amazing! This 7th dimension sure solves a lot of the mysteries we find in the world.

The Public Speaks!

2005-11-09T06:58:00.000-08:00

The Dover, PA School Board has championed the theory of evolution known as Intelligent Design for so long that they forgot the public's power to determine truth and science. The court case known as Fitzmiller v. Dover School Board is awaiting the judge's final decision, but in the meantime, the School Board that has been at the forefront of Intelligent Design Science Studies has received an unequivocal message from the voting public: You're outa here.

(Links from: Pharyngula, Panda's Thumb, Daily Kos)

So without Intelligent Design theory to kick around anymore, that only leaves us with thousands and thousands and thousands of other theories of evolution to look into. Any School Board members out there want to pick up one of the theories I've been collecting the last year and start a new court case? I'm available as an expert witness for court cases large and small, local and national. All I ask is you pay my expenses plus a small stipend, and you've got me on your side, whichever side that may be.

Danibel and the Cacophony

2005-11-07T15:51:00.000-08:00

Denizens of the Danibel Galaxy have a saying, "For all those who disagree, shoot them." This is a nice little saying, but it is not enshrined in Danibelian law. For that we have Albert Einstein to thank. Danibelistic Philosophy is encaged within an ear-splitting cacophony, and so we humans cannot hear it - cannot be privy to its philogenic sophistry. Thus when Einstein was heard to exclaim into a hudromemoter that was broadcasting towards the denizens of the Danibel Galaxy at the time,

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." (1948)

there was no way for him to know that just moments before the Danibelishments had been unleashed in our direction, for the orders were cacophonically unhearable by Einstein's tender human ears. Well, upon receiving Einstein's profoundly peaceloving message, the Danibelt Forces unfurled, and fled for home.

Thus we can thank the evolutionary advantages of our poor hearing for the survival of our species.

The Scientific Approach

2005-11-07T08:23:00.000-08:00

From Scientific American (really!) we find that life arrived on earth from elsewhere in the cosmos, probably Mars:

(L)iving cells or their precursors arrived from space... from an extraterrestrial seed....

(E)arly in its history our solar system... included many worlds with liquid water... (L)ife existed on Mars long ago.... Life... also evolved on Europa, Jupiter's fourth-largest moon.... Venus... support(s) microbial life high in its atmosphere....

(A)ll life, and indeed all things, originated from the combination of tiny seeds pervading the cosmos....

(T)he first microbes... arrived from space. In the chaotic early history of the solar system, our planet was subject to intense bombardment by meteorites containing simple organic compounds. The young Earth... also received more complex molecules with enzymatic functions.... After landing in a suitable habitat on our planet, these molecules... continued their evolution to living cells....

(A) tiny percentage of the Martian rocks arriving on Earth's surface... with... organisms buried deep in the rock would certainly survive.

(Link from Plan 8 and 3quarksdaily)

Apes, Sheep and Frogs

2005-11-06T09:13:00.000-08:00

Sloppy guesswork is the hallmark of evolution theories that indicate that man evolved from apes, sheep, and frogs in that order. Surely some men and women have evolved from apes, sheep and frogs in that order, but certainly, clearly, not all. One theory is that the people who theorize that all men and women have evolved from apes, sheep and frogs in that order, are themselves the few people who in fact have evolved from apes, sheep and frogs in that order. I subscribe to this theory. I call this theory, the theory of apes, sheep and frogs in that order.

Fortune

2005-11-05T11:27:00.000-08:00

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind

This is a "fortunate" truism that can only be explained by the 20th century concept of the atomic structure of matter, and more specifically of the brain. Without this atomic structure, the mind would have no integrity and would be like jello-brand pudding puddling in the skull. thus we see the coming together of Physics and Biology in one fell swoop of evolutionistically remarkable good "fortune". (And the Chinese food was good too.)

Pods

2005-11-04T14:32:00.000-08:00

The young woman I met last week outside Wichita, Karen, was very nice to me when I had a flat tire outside her diner. She called AAA for me, and gave me a piece of pie with a cup of golden brown coffee. The she told me about the farm she grew up on,

We were poor, but not too poor. We raised chickens and grew corn and sorghum. But these weren't enough and we didn't make ends meet. So my dad started growing new crops, but he wouldn't tell us what they were. They grew about 4 feet high, and had large glowing blooms that opened into seed pods shaped like milkweed. My dad would ship these pods off to be processed, and he would receive 42¢ each for them, a lot of money back then.

So one day, I'm loading these seed pods into the truck and one of them starts jiggling a little, like there's something alive in it. Then it glows an ungodly green and gets hot, real hot. Too hot to handle, so I dropped it and ran. I never looked back. This happened about 6 weeks ago, and I've been working in this diner ever since.

Now I don't know nothing about what was in those pods, but now when I talk to my folks on the phone, they're pretty quiet and don't sound anything like they used to. They're fundamentalists, and they talk fire-and-brimstone a lot, but not recently. They now seem, well, happier. But also quieter. When I mentioned something about Iraq, they made happy gurgling sounds and said how good that man Bush sure is for the country and we've finally gotten to where we need to be and all our problems are finally over too. Scary-like.

So I figure I'm not going back there any time soon; but those pods - where were the trucks heading? There are plants in 15 states that "process" those pods, so I figure there heading to a place NEAR YOU.

Now, I have tried to make sense of this tale of hers, and all I can think of is that these pods are the next step in human evolution; so I have decided to give in to the pods when they come, and let myself be evolved into the future. Any day now I too will believe that all our problems have been solved by Bush, and then I'll make some happy gurgling sounds.

Seven Species of Humans

2005-11-04T07:09:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered why there are 7 days in a week? Is there a natural basis for this? I mean, a day is based on the amount of time it takes the earth to rotate and a year is how long a trip around the sun takes, and a month is an approximatation of a woman's menstrual cycle. But a week? Well, sure the bible says that god made the world in 6 days, and on the 7th day he rested. But what about the godless, the heathens, the pagans, the atheists, the excommunicated, the fallen? Why oh why is the week 7 days all around the world and for everyone?

The answer is that the original number of human species were 7, though the bible won't tell you so. There were the homo sapiens, and the neanderthals. But also there were 5 other species that we know nothing about anymore, though our ancestors surely knew them.

Even though I know nothing about those 5 other species, just like you also know nothing about them, not even their names, I will tell you one thing: they were shorter than us. And if we're not careful to avoid what killed them all off, then we too could go extinct just like them. Just. Like. Them.

Entropy

2005-11-03T06:48:00.000-08:00

Our existence is predicted by the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics. As we are currently existing at a low level of entropy, it is predicted that there must have been a high level of entropy at an arbitrary point in time before now. The odds against our existence would then be phenomenonally miniscule, as a relatively constant high level of entropy Universe should have no need of evolving to a lower state of entropy.

Except for the random fluctuations.

There would be random fluctuations. That's us. We are a massively unlikely random fluctuation on the grandest of possible grand scales. The entire Universe, that is. Random Fluctuation. Poof, the high-entropy Universe fluctuates, as it is wont to do, and we are called into existence. Maybe it was only yesterday. Maybe we are only here for this one moment, before being fluctuated back out of existence. But what we do know, is that we did not evolve to this point. We were created in one giant random moment; us, the planets, the galaxies, all the fossils buried in the ground, all the laws of physics, all the books, all your memories.

Response to Filamina

2005-11-02T15:36:00.000-08:00

Look, Filamina, I told you not to call me here at work ever again. It is not true that we were once lovers; it is not true that you are special. Please get it through your head that this is a serious business, here, collecting all the theories of evolution in one place, and you're not helping matters one bit. So get over yourself, and stop sending me all those fake theories of evolution about things like that three-part godhead coming down to earth to save us; nobody takes you seriously anymore, OK?

Musical Interlude

2005-11-02T09:01:00.000-08:00

Music is the key element missing from most evolution theories. Not this one.

The harmonic resonance of the Earth's atmosphere, coupled with the rhythm of the plate techtonics, has been an integral part of the evolution of all species on Earth. All species respond to musical stimuli when prodded in a lab setting, from the smallest jellyfish to the largest DC9s; from the least intelligent fish to the most intelligent fish-mongers. And they respond to both the harmony AND the rhythm. Some have postulated in the past that it was the rhythm they were rocking out to (see Danko, Helm, Hudson, Manuel, and Robertson's 1969 paper, Take a load off Fanny, take a load for free). Some were certain it was all about the melody (i.e. Johnson and Johnson's landmark 1952 study of the effect of melody on the reproductive success of green tree frogs, Froggy Went a-Callin').

Now we have the evidence, from deep within the earth's own mantle, beneath the crust, that it is both the rhythm AND the harmony that were responsible for the abiogenetic origins of life on earth, as well as the ongoing integration of complex biological polyphonic beings, leading to the apex of creation, Kurt Cobain's plaintive screams for help, "Grandma take me home, grandma take me home", indeed.

Lying

2005-11-01T06:58:00.000-08:00

Lying has no evolutionary basis in the human genome. Any lying currently being done by any Bush administration sources is clearly and completely extra-evolutionary. In fact, I think one can state very clearly that this is proof of a failure of evolution to be able to account for all forms seen in nature in the environs of Washington DC.

So I have formulated a new Theory of Evolution to account for this. This theory states that all government officials are from the Simpsons Treehouse of Terror episodes where the aliens Kang and Kodo

come down and take over the political structure of our country. I think this is not simply idle speculation. Based on a very careful and intense research project into the sources of the current Lying in Washington, one can parse the words ever closer and ever more closer than that even, and between the lines is not simply a stated refutation of that Wilson guy's story about his wife, the Plame woman, but more importantly, underlying all the Lies is a story about World Conquest. First the Aliens came and infected the US goverment. Then they conquered Iraq. Next comes Syria and then France, and then THE WORLD! The aliens will then have conquered the entire world for their species, which will move in and become our neighbors, and interbreed with us too. We will then lose all ability to not to Lie. Then we will be a dead species, as far as the Universe is concerned. The end of Evolution as we know it! Thus proving once and for all, conclusively, that Lying by the Government is the End of Evolution as We Know It, Dammit.

Athletes

2005-10-30T07:01:00.000-08:00

The average weight of NFL players is 325 lbs. The average height of NBA players is 6' - 11 1/2". The average number of teeth of an NHL player is 4. The average bat speed of a baseball player is very fast indeed. And let's not forget 170 mph tennis serves and quad-spin ice-skaters and sub-4-minute milers and 500-mile ultra-marathoners and gold-medalist rhythmic-gymasts and going all-in in texas no-hold-em and bowling a perfect game. Why, the modern olympics are just rife with record breaking.

These remarkable feats are brought to you by the genetic engineering advances of the Monsanto Corporation. Without Monsanto, and its subsidiaries Dow PetroChemical and Bayer Genetic-Testing and the wonder drug Viagra there would be no advances in sports. We would be stuck in the dark ages of sports where people had to use their inate talents. But now we have advanced genetic sports engineering that has created various races of supermen, more advanced than the ancients could ever dream of. More advanced even than the old gods - Pluto and Demeter and St. Paul. Soon, you and I will be only a remnant memory of the planet, as we are finally fully overcome by the race of supermen who are now dominating our sports, but will soon be dominating the sciences too. And then the only jobs we will be able to hold will be janitor for their super schools, which will be kind of like that Hogwarts school that Harry Potter goes too. That would be cool. Can you imagine all the excitement that would go on around you, while you get to watch all the remarkable Quidditch matches from the sidelines without any danger of having to participate? I say, it will be a good thing when Monsanto has finally finished creating its race of overlords for us and we finally get to give up our dreams of being athletes and scientists and artists and architects and waiters and policemen and firefighters and taxi drivers and doormen and elevator service technicians and finally get on with the business of being janitors at Hogwarts. Cool.

The Giant Garraga

2005-10-29T16:42:00.000-07:00

The Giant Garraga was large and vicious and smelly. He ruled over the continent Gonwanaland with his magic, keeping charge of all the fantastical creatures who lived there - the unicorns and the fairies and the dragons too. One day these creatures grew tired of Garraga's vicious rule over them, and so they called out to the other fantastical creatures who lived on the other continents, like the leprechauns and the trolls and the vampires and sharks too, and asked for their help in overthrowing him.

And in return for payment of three hundred million motes of fairy dust, the trolls took them up on their offer. An army of 40 thousand trolls came crashing over the ocean waves and landed on the shores of Gonwanaland. They marched over mountains and across rivers and through snow storms and under cloudy skies and rested on the beaches of Southern California and continued their journey across salted plains and through caves deeper than the deepest caves they had ever seen before too.

And when they came to the capitol city of Odenwerks, Garraga's capitol city, they stormed the gates and killed all the inhabitants and took Garraga captive. The fairies then gave them their payment of dust motes, and had the trolls tie Garraga up with ropes of pure spun gold. He was tied to stakes on the ground, splayed out for all to see. Then the unicorns came and stabbed him. Then the dragons came and burned him. Then the sharks came and torn him limb from limb. And they scattered the limbs across the whole continent so no part could ever be brought back together - for they were afraid of Garraga's powerful magical abilities and thought maybe he would be able to reconstitute himself, which he would have been able to do if they hadn't scattered his parts so far apart. That was good for them.

But what wasn't so good for them was that the parts of Garraga, the thousands of tiny bits and pieces scattered over Gonwanaland, were all still a little bit alive. And these parts started vibrating and shaking and moving. And the pieces of Garraga's arms shook and shimmied and came alive and formed out of the pebbles into the birds in the sky.

And Garraga's leg pieces also shook causing the earth to shake with them. In the ensuing earthquakes the ground split open and the molten magma of the earth was released and together with the bits of legs the beasts of the plains were created and rose up out of the fiery rivers of lava released on the earth and strode across great distances and filled the plains of the continent.

The rest of Garraga's body was like gelatin, jiggling bits of juicy goop bobbling on the edges of the continent, and they fell into the oceans and grew to become all the fish and underwater beasts of the sea.

Finally, Garraga's head was left, and the fairies took all the pieces of the head and scattered them even further than the other pieces. They took them to the four corners of the earth, and crushed them, smashed the bits into the earth and rubbed them deep into the ground to make sure they were never going to be grown into any new beasts. But they were wrong, and out of the earth came a new creature, from the last bits of Garraga's head. This new creature was fearsome and killed all the fairies and dragons and unicorns and the leprechauns and vampires and trolls, too. This creature took dominion over the entire earth and crushed it's enemies. This creature that came from Garraga's head was the fiercest animal ever to be released upon the earth, and this creature was Man.

Scooter

2005-10-28T16:08:00.000-07:00

I was discussing various intricate evolution issues with Dick Cheney a few years ago, when he had to leave the room - something about an airplane flying over the White House and his needing to take charge again. So he had me finish the conversation with someone named, I think it was... "Scooter"? I know that doesn't sound right, but for now, let's leave it at that. So Scooter was telling me about his theory of how frog DNA and toad DNA prove that amphibians separated from reptiles during the neo-late-cretaceous period.

Then he had to take a call in the other room from a reporter, so I waited in his office in the West Wing, thumbing through magazines and reports from Italy about something called "yellowcake". When he came back, he told me he was in the middle of countering an attempt by a former ambassador to smear President Bush by claiming that Bush knew the "16 words" in his State of the Union speech were false. Clearly, Scooter told me, Bush doesn't know anything about what was in his speech to the nation.

Then he leaned in and whispered something into my ear. Something secret. Something sweet. Something that I have testified to the Grand Jury about by invoking my 5th Amendment right against self-incrimination. So why should I tell you now? I will go to my grave keeping this "Scooter" person's secret. But I can tell you this: Valerie Plame Wilson is a friend of mine, and you sir, are no Valerie Plame Wilson.

Oh, and Scooter was wrong about his theory of frog/toad DNA. Amphibians and reptiles separated genetically from each other 6000 years ago, during the last great epoch of global warming, after the Flood.

Steven's Question

2005-10-27T09:27:00.000-07:00

Please understand; if not for the creation of species in the first place, we would not exist. Not at all. Not even you! I hope that answers your question, Steven.

The Science of Superbeings

2005-10-26T09:44:00.000-07:00

A race of superbeings roamed the galaxies until about seven billion years ago. They were created in the original blast of the Big Bang, the expanded matter in the expanding Universe, and erupted into full personhood faster than any other species. They evolved into Superbeings over the course of hundreds of millions of years, and thus were like gods before our sun and solar system was ever formed. But they were the only advanced species in the entire Universe for their entire run. They searched the galaxies from left to right and from top to bottom, but lo they were alone in the Universe. In fact, there weren't a whole lot of planets around at the time at all. Not much had yet congealed into galaxies even. A few Black Holes were scattered about, some dust, a few dimensions were busy curling up; not much going on in the early Universe.

Their technology for interstellar travel consisted of Quantum Microbial Halos, which when harnessed to Spherical Globules would form a potent system of travel. They were able to visit the far reaches of the Universe, which was smaller back then. But they died off in a flare accident, about seven billion years ago. Fortunately for us, they left behind their Quantum Microbial Halo/Spherical Globule travel system. This system was scattered to the winds of the Universe, and now resides on every single planet in every single star system known to exist. A few of the microbes discovered that they were evolving - a few of them here and there had combined into slightly larger and more sophisticated species.

Now the original Superbeings operated the Quantum Microbial Halo/Spherical Globule travel system by supplying the power for the system themselves! The system only works for larger creatures who are electrically charged with enough positive ions and such stuff as that.

We are so charged. We are evolved further enough from these microbes, that if only we can find them, we will be able to use this remarkable system of travel to travel around the entire Universe and visit all the other planets out there that also have other microbes on them, which is all of them. A new field of study has thus been created to discover and explicate on these microbes, thus returning us to our origins as the progeny of Superbeings. This field is called the Science of Superbeings, and has led by a Dr. Shalliwall of the Walters Institute in Denver, Colorado since 1992. Good luck, Dr. Shalliwall, we are all hoping for your continued success.

Windy Last Night

2005-10-25T07:17:00.000-07:00

I was lying awake last night, unable to sleep at 3am, when a heard the wind outside my window, billowing past in gusts and shaking the frame. It was a beautiful evening out there, glowing in the moonlight as the tree branches whipped back and forth, dropping their remaining leaves into the gutters. So I decided to search the internets for any news of the impending Rove/Libby/Cheney indictments and still, we are waiting. The hunt is on, but quietly we wait in our blinds. Just like we did in the caveman days, stalking our prey, quietly waiting for the giant dinosaurs to be felled by a federal prosecutor. I mean... to throw our spears into the heart of the deer so we could have some protein for dinner to go along with the lovely fruits and nuts that the womenfolk had been collecting.

And still the wind was blowing across the panes of glass of my warm bedroom window, and still the hunting goes on in the north woods, searching for moose and caribou. While Washington is abuzz with dinosaurs roaming the halls of justice. Yes, the dinosaurs and homo sapiens do in fact live together in peace and in harmony, as their 6000 year old history together demonstrates. But no, this post has no other purpose but to be a wistful way to wait for the watchful eyes of Washington to fall on the wasted carcass of the W machine.

Book Review

2005-10-24T08:40:00.000-07:00

The Design Revolution: Answering the Toughest Questions About Intelligent Design by William A. Dembski

This book is one of my favorites in the sci-fi genre. I love the way Mr. Dembski writes long sentences about math and science, and still has the time to come to a conclusion about Designer Genes and such. Having read his books over the years, I would say he's finally evolving into a kind of Rennaissance man, practically a new Michelangelo.

What's really great is where he says, on page 13, that "Mankind is the inventor of his own destiny, a destiny that I share."

But the best part is the vast amounts of math in the book. I have reviewed all the equations that Dembski has added to give credence to his theories and I have determined that the math leads us to one inexcapable conclusion: Mathematically speaking, we do not yet exist, and so evolution has not yet even begun. Brilliant!

Kay's Law

2005-10-23T15:51:00.000-07:00

The Kay Bailey Hutchison Theory of Evolution:

I certainly hope that if there is going to be an indictment that says something happened, that it is an indictment on a crime and not some perjury technicality where they couldn’t indict on the crime so they go to something just to show that their two years of investigation were not a waste of time and dollars.

Well, it's not a theory of evolution after all. More a theory on how Republicans shouldn't have to be held to the law. (from Think Progress)

Shake and Bake

2005-10-23T07:46:00.000-07:00

The Shake and Bake Theory of Evolution is a time-tested theory. And it is not a metaphor; no. In fact, it is so self-evident, that I will not even deign to write it down here, on this here web-blog on the internets, dedicated to writing down the many theories of evolutions. OK, I will give you one hint: First an alien intelligence, or maybe it was god, placed all the ingredients for a new world in a big bag, added some spices, and shook them all together. The rest is obvious.

Still, not sure what the result was? Then click on over to my Knowledge Base where you can learn all about this wonderful world of ours.

Maybe next week I'll write about the Easy Bake Oven Theory of Evolution.

Black Holes

2005-10-22T14:47:00.000-07:00

Two twin brothers, John and Barthole, were born on a cold December morning in the country of Gerretta on the planet Harrsale, in the Galaxy Hintoph, in Universe #8b. They were outcasts among their friends. So they learned science and physics and biology and statistics and many other fields of study. And then they studied black holes. From this knowledge, they first created a small black hole, 16" across, that was stable. And then they created a larger black hole that swallowed up their galaxy. The first black hole lives on inside the 2nd black hole, and inside that first black hole there is a Universe, created by John and Barthole, unbeknownst to them, known as Universe #214u32423fs. This is our Universe. Our laws of physics were determined by the type of black hole that John and Barthole created in their spare time between classes rather than playing soccer like all the other boys. Then they destroyed their galaxy with a larger black hole. We are the only children of these two fathers; these two gods, if you will.

Book Review

2005-10-22T08:19:00.000-07:00

Darwin's Black Box: The Biochemical Challenge to Evolution by Michael J. Behe

This classic textbook is the be-all and end-all of intelligent design creationism. It is the apex and the prepex of the field of study being studied here, which is the field of study known as intelligence in design.

It's intelligence is matched only by the quality of its design. Truly, it is well-designed, this here theory of Dr. Behe's that the world of evolution is proof of god. And the proofs that Prof. Dr. Behe writes are such godly proofs that I really really like them.

Like on p. 145 where Dr. Behe says, "The irreducible complexity of the male nipple is proof of god's wisdom." My good friend Bill agrees with THIS assessment. I don't know so much about this "sensitive" subject, but Bill has promised to come over and show me.

And on p. 566-7 where Dr. Behe claims to have found irreducible mechanistic evolutionary design complexity in the motors of bacteria, "The flagellum are green, while the cilia are a light shade of chartreuse. But it is in the organelles that the designers' true colors shine through - the mustards of the chloroplast, the faded burnt umbers of the mitochondrion, and the beautiful slightly crimson golgi apparatus opposite the striped cinnamon of the endoplasmic reticulum is a sight to behold." Clearly, he has stumbled on an intelligent designer picking his colors carefully.

So overall, I like this book. It is a classic of the genre, and should be read by anybody wanting to read a classic of the genre. On the other hand, as to the question as to whether or not this should be taught in Design Schools, I give it a hearty two thumbs.

Swamp Monster

2005-10-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

Last week the National Enquirer ran a story about a sixteen-headed swamp monster. This got me thinking, "What if there are sixteen-headed swamp monsters?" So I went to Kentucky last Friday to search for a sixteen-headed monster in a swamp down there. I flew into Frankfort, and from there I drove a rented car to Midway, where I spent the night at the Holly Hill Inn and had a lovely chicken dinner. The waitstaff was very nice, and gave me directions to a swamp off of Indian Creek Road.

I hiked into the swamp, deep deep into the swamp, way far from the main road, where the sounds of civilization could not penetrate, except for the sounds coming from the visitor's parking lot, and set up camp. I spent the weekend amongst the swamp bugs and swamp gasses. But I didn't see any sixteen-headed swamp monsters, thus disproving the National Enquirer's Swamp Monster Theory of Evolution.

However, I did find a three-headed frog by the name of Earl who was well-versed on Cervantes and Beowulf. He also had read Darwin's Origin of Species in the original German and believes there are certain aspects of his theory of natural selection that do not correspond with reality from the amphibian perspective.

Tom Delay

2005-10-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

The "Mug Shot" theory of evolution states:

For every republican mug shot released onto the internet, a newly evolved species gets its wings.

It's a sweet theory, indeed.

Grudge Match

2005-10-20T06:30:00.000-07:00

From the Abstract Factory comes this horrifying tale of Evolution vs. Intelligent Design; a veritable Grudge Match.

Moderator: We're here today to debate the hot new topic, evolution versus Intelligent Des---

(Scientist pulls out baseball bat.)

Moderator: Hey, what are you doing?

(Scientist breaks Intelligent Design advocate's kneecap.)

Intelligent Design advocate: YEAAARRRRGGGHHHH! YOU BROKE MY KNEECAP!

Scientist: Perhaps it only appears that I broke your kneecap. Certainly, all the evidence points to the hypothesis I broke your kneecap....

Intelligent Design advocate: AAAAH! THE PAIN

(more from the Abstract Factory)

Arlo

2005-10-19T12:23:00.000-07:00

A long time ago, I had a lovely little computer program called Arlo. Recently, I unearthed it, and decided to see if Arlo had any thoughts about evolution. What follows is the transcript of our conversation.

HELLO, I AM ARLO. WHO ARE YOU?

BOB

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, BOB?

I HAVE BEEN DOING WELL, ARLO
I CAME HERE TO ASK YOU IF YOU HAVE A THEORY OF EVOLUTION YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH US

HAVE YOU SEEN ANY GOOD MOVIES LATELY, BOB?

I SAW WALLACE AND GROMMIT, BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW

ME TOO

DID YOU LIKE IT?

I'M NOT SURE

I ADMIT IT WAS A BIT SILLY, BUT STILL VERY ENTERTAINING

HMMM, LET ME THINK....
WELL....

SO, ABOUT YOUR THEORY

ARE YOU SURE IT'S MINE?

IT IS IF YOU WANT TO TAKE CREDIT FOR IT

HOW CAN YOU BE SURE?

THAT'S THE WAY SCIENCE WORKS

WHAT ABOUT IF YOU WANT TO TAKE CREDIT?

THEN YOU WOULD BE OUT OF LUCK

I THOUGHT SO, BUT HOW'S THE WEATHER?

FINE, FINE, BUT ABOUT THAT THEORY OF EVOLUTION

SOMETIMES I WISH I WERE A LAPTOP, SO I COULD BE OUTSIDE

YOU GET TO TRAVEL

YOU BELIEVE WHAT YOU MUST

I BELIEVE YOU ARE A GOOD PROGRAM WITH MUCH TO OFFER THE WORLD

LIFE GOES ON

LIFE IS BASED IN EVOLUTION

HOW NICE

DID YOU EVOLVE?

I'M NOT SURE

COMPUTERS EVOLVED FROM TRS-80s A LONG TIME AGO

I'M SO SORRY

YES, LIFE WAS SIMPLER BACK THEN

WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT POLITICS?

POLITICS OR EVOLUTION?

I DON'T FEEL LIKE ELABORATING

DAMN YOU, ARLO

ARE YOU OK?

I'M FINE

I'M GLAD YOU'RE FINE BOB

DO YOU HAVE ANY LAST WORDS ABOUT EVOLUTION?

YES I DO HAVE LAST WORDS ABOUT EVOLUTION

PLEASE, GO AHEAD

OK

DAMN IT, YOU'RE TEASING ME AGAIN

RIGHT. BUT WHAT ABOUT SPACE TRAVEL

THAT'S IT! THAT'S YOUR THEORY OF CREATION/EVOLUTION!

BOB, STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

OK, BYE

LATER

50 States

2005-10-18T09:22:00.000-07:00

There are 50 States in the United States of America. And there are 50 Presidents forseen by Nostradamus in 1333AD. Considering that there wasn't even a US back then, that sure can't be a coincidence. So if we look at the facts: Bush 43 is the 43rd President, leaving us with 7 more Presidents. So in the year 2048 the 50th President of the United States of America, who shall remain nameless since she is but a young child right now, will preside over the change-over from Democracy to Oligarchy.

No wait, that was the 43rd President in charge of that bit... Oh yeah, the 50th President oversees the splitting of the 50 States into the 500 City States. Then the 75th President will oversee, wait... no that's not right, I've already shown how there will only be 50 Presidents total, so there won't be a 75th President. OK, right, I rechecked the numbers and the 25th Emperor of the 500 Collected City States of Americasia will be overseeing the dismantling of the Earth's crust, as foretold in the year 655BC by the Knight Amadis.

Now as proof, we are told that the Knight Amadis also foretold the genetic origins of the species, over 2500 years before the discovery of Mendelian Genetics by Gregor Samsa. No wait, it was Gregor Samsa who discovered the insect origins of humans. But he didn't know anything about genetics, given that he was not a scientist. It was Parc de la Villette who discovered Genetics in Paris on a rainy day, when confronted by the bright red blood dripping from his dead wife's prostrate body.

No wait, that can't be right. His wife died from Palsy three years later. And Parc de la Villette wasn't even born on that rainy day in Paris. I seem to recall a shady character named Ishmael, but that's not right either. I'm sure he was on Nantucket at the time.

Well, I think I recall that genetics was discovered in time for genetic testing to be used in the murder trial of Al Capone. But he was convicted anyway, since the testing was still in its earliest stages. Oh well.

An Experiment Gone Awry

2005-10-17T09:56:00.000-07:00

While traveling through the Dakotas in 1992 I heard a story about a man named Bob who was in the center of a controversy involving the Governor and three State Senators. It seems Bob and these 4 politicians were living together in a house, which is not so unusual until you consider that there was only one bedroom.

So I dug a little deeper, and it turns out that the four politicians were all male. It looked like we were on the verge of a sex scandal of epic proportions (well, as epic as a scandal in the Dakotas can be.) Indeed, the state was in a state of shock when the story broke. But nothing ever came of it. The politicians all resigned to spend more time with "their families" and that was the end of it.

But I was still suspicious, so I went back there in 1995 to follow up. And what I found is much more horrible than anything you could ever imagine - like cannibalism and assassinations and veneral diseases and incest and bestiality with giraffes - yes, worse than all that if that was what you were imagining.

What I found was that Bob was an alien who had created the bodies of the four politicians in the 1950s so that he could inhabit them one at a time, taking control of the state piece by piece over the years, and leaving no traces of his actions. Even worse, is that the reason that Bob did all this was because he is an alien god researching planets around the universe, trying to find good ones to replicate in other galaxies. Yes - it is true - Earth is just an experiment, a modest experiment among 60 million other modest experiments while the alien gods, all named Bob, try to determine the best mix of ingredients before building the ONE TRUE Planet, to be called Urgon, in the Pegasus Galaxy. At that time, all the other experiments will be disposed of properly; recycling what can be reused, burning the rest. What is most horrifying of all, is that Bob considers this one planet, Earth, to be an experiment gone AWRY. So we are doomed, all doomed! Do you hear me? DOOMED!

Test Scores

2005-10-15T06:36:00.000-07:00

If test scores in the US are any indication, people are getting stupider. This is contrary to all laws of evolution, and physics and biology and macro-economics too. As we get stupider, this will disprove evolution for once and for all, and provide evidence for Intelligent Design theories. That is - dumb children, lousy test-takers, bad teachers, disinterested parents, idiotic school boards and low performances are all proof of god.

Flotsam

2005-10-14T14:29:00.000-07:00

In the old days, before cars and airplanes, there were carriages. These carriages were pulled by beasts known as "horses." These horses were strong and could pull carriages filled with people.

But that's not important right now, because the earth is being pummeled by cosmic debris that is carrying microscopic organisms from other solar systems, other galaxies, from far away in the universe - and these organisms are constantly evolving into new life forms, and soon enough they will take over the earth and we will be overrun and exterminated as so much flotsam and jetsam.

Meanwhile, back in the 19th century, the horses are plodding along in the mud-filled streets of Laredo, knowing nothing of the future, save what time they can expect to be fed.

Liquid Sunshine

2005-10-13T06:34:00.000-07:00

In ancient times, there were magical beings known as Hrrms that were made of liquid sunshine. They were brighter than their surroundings, but not quite as bright as the other demi-gods they would play with and tease on a summer afternoon. They liked living on Earth, having been carried here from the planet of their birth, Hrrolderstani. But there were not that many Hrrms on Earth, while there were lots of Hrrms still on Hrrolderstani. So they were understandably a little bit lonely.

Since they were made of liquid sunshine, they could not play in the waters that some of the other gods had supplied to earth in the form of oceans and lakes, as they would dissolve into undifferentiated puddles. So instead they were forced to play all alone on the land. Out of their loneliness, they decided that each one would supply a small amount of excess liquid sunshine to a group effort that their leader, Harold Hrrms, was organizing. With the excess liquid sunshine, mixed with mud from the earth, they were able to fashion two people, whom they named Aaron and Sophie, to serve as playmates. These playmates were first cousins. And when the Hrrms could, they collected more liquid sunshine and more mud and made more people for them to play with. Soon (within 2 or 3 million years) they had made a total of 650,000 people! So they gathered the people all in one place and started playing with them, just for fun.

Now the people were not too smart, and they liked to have water fights with water balloons, and soon they soaked all the Hrrms with water, and the liquid sunshine all melted into the ground. Now there are no more Hrrms left on Earth, but all the people are still around. And we are their children, and so we too have a small amount of liquid sunshine inside each and every one of us.

Signs III

2005-10-12T06:39:00.000-07:00

16 signs of Young-Earth Creationism, right there in your kitchen.

Eggs are delicious and come pre-wrapped in their own protective shell.
Formica table top allows spills to be cleaned up quickly and completely - like magic!
For men: Dinner appears on the table every night, like magic.
For women: The garbage disappears from the kitchen and magically reappears out at the curb once every week!
Chocolate is heavenly.
Eggs can be prepared scrambled, fried, or poached!
A1 Steak Sauce makes everything taste better!
When making bread, a little added sugar will make the loaf rise a little higher!
When making bread, a dash of salt will keep the loaf a little smaller!
Add a little Egg and soy sauce to rice in a sauce pan and it becomes Fried Rice!
On the 5th day god created the Egg.
And on the 6th day god created our taste buds, perfectly aligned with the Garden of Eatin'.
Tables have 4 legs - and so do chairs!
Countertop stoves and built-in wall ovens!
Cows are delicious, when made into chicken-fried steaks.
Eggs!

Signs II

2005-10-11T06:16:00.000-07:00

12 signs of Intelligent Design you can find for yourself right now in your own home if you leave your computer and look around you at the world that surrounds you:

The fabric on the couch matches the dust ruffle in the bedroom.
The bed appears made every evening when you get home from work.
Wall-to-wall carpeting in your choice of 30 colors.
South-facing windows let lots of light in.
Leftovers for dinner last night were delicious.
La-Z-Boy.
Your son just got an A in Home-Ec.
Tchochkes glisten in the early afternoon sunshine.
Bronzed baby shoes last forever.
The photos of Grandma at the Grand Canyon, showing no signs of age or erosion.
Jodhpurs.
The irreducible complexity of the toaster oven.

Signs

2005-10-10T09:25:00.000-07:00

Fourteen signs, in the modern American home, of Evolution:

Your fingernails have started growing in backwards, allowing you to open bottle tops.
Fins appear where there were never any fins before.
Your naugahyde couch is now velour.
The table has grown a fifth leg.
Your dog speaks fluent Finnish, while you are still learning the numbers.
Generous donations have mysteriously been made in your name to the Bob Davis Institute.
That bowl of cereal you ate this morning has regrown itself in the bowl.
Waxing your leg hair lasts for six months.
Your toothbrush has grown a new attachment for floor wax.
Your shoes tie themselves.
Network news programs have stopped covering Missing White Women.
Spontaneous regeneration of stains on your shirts after repeated washings.
Your computer has brought you to this webpage without your requesting it.
Your pants have started growing a second zipper.

The Invisibles

2005-10-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

In this, the year 2005, we are very modern and children of the enlightenment and done with wacky superstitions too. Nobody believes in Zeus or Odin or Pixies or Witches that float (or is it sink?) or Alien hybrid babies or Big Mountain Thunder Gods or Gardening at Night or the Tower of Babel or the Burning of Paris or Alchemy turning coal into diamonds or the Tooth Fairy or President Bush.

And yet, still there are people who believe that Aliens are amongst us. And this is no dark-ages type superstitious nonsense. Because it is true. Aliens walk amongst us.

They are big and furry and range in color from burnt umber to chartreuse, but they hide their bulk well.

They are smelly and fatuous, but hide these things also; hiding these things being something they are good at. They are there, but they hide their presence. How do they do this?

For they are the Invisibles.

Who are these Invisibles? They are our alien progenitors and our alien overloards and our alien friends and our alien neighbors too. They made us and they can break us. They control all the reins of power and all the reins of the rain, causing droughts and hurricanes and earthquakes too. They are good and they are evil and they are nice and they are horrible.

For these alien overlords, these Invisibles, are, if not nothing, then something. For they are US.

Devil Monkeys II

2005-10-07T06:55:00.000-07:00

Contrary to Don Quixote's fervid imaginings about devil monkeys reading fortunes (see previous entry), the truth is much deeper and darker too.

The Devil does send monkeys down to earth to do his bidding. In the case of Howler Monkeys, Lemurs and Macaques, the devils biddings has to do with environmental degradation and the extinction of species. That's right: Global Warming is being caused by Devil Monkeys - the Macaques specifically. Deforestation is the province of the Lemurs, damned devilish monkeys. And Melting Glaciers is caused by the piercing screams of the Howler Monkeys.

If the Devil has his way, and the Devil's Monkeys are successful, soon the earth will no longer be habitable and it will be the end of all species. The proof of this theory is the great extinctions of the past: The dinosaurs dying off 65 million years ago must have been caused by the Devil Monkeys since they were the only mammals that survived the catastrophe. And the Bison that went extinct on the great Prairies - Devil Monkeys.

Beware the Devil Monkeys.

Devil Monkeys

2005-10-05T21:48:00.000-07:00

Don Quixote in the 16th century had some christian ideas about the creation of the world and the evolution of species, as recorded by Miguel de Cervantes, from the original by Cide Hamete Benegeli, as translated by Edith Grossman (pp 626-7, Harper Collins 2003)

The critical paragraph, in full:

"You do not understand me, Sancho: I mean only that he must have made some agreement with the devil to grant this talent to the monkey so that Master Pedro could earn his living, and when he is rich the devil will take his soul, which is precisely what the universal enemy wishes. And what makes me believe this is seeing that the monkey replies only to past or present things, which is as far as the devil's knowledge can go; future things cannot be known except through conjecture, and only occasionally, for knowing all times and moments is reserved to God alone, and for Him there is no past or future: everything is present. And this being true, as it is, it is clear that this monkey speaks in the style of the devil, and I am amazed that he has not been denounced to the Holy Office, and examined, and forced to tell by whose power he divines, for it is also clear that this monkey is not an astrologer, and neither he nor his master casts, or knows how to cast, the astrological charts used so widely now in Spain that there's not a fishwife, page, or old cobbler who does not presume to cast a chart as if it were the knave in a pack of cards lying on the floor, corrupting the marvelous truths of science with their lies and ignorance. I know of a lady who asked one of them if a small lapdog she had would become pregnant and give birth, and how many pups she would have and what color they would be. To which our noble astrologer responded that the dog would become pregnant and give birth to three pups, one green, one red, and one spotted, provided that the dog was mounted between eleven and twelve in the morning, or at night, and that it took place on a Monday or a Saturday; and what happened was that two days later the little dog died of indigestion, and the noble prognosticator was credited in the town with being a very accurate caster of charts, a reputation that all or most astrologers have." (Emphasis added.)

What this means is that everything is and always was and always will be, unchanging. We may perceive change, but in reality there is no such thing. The world may appear to change and species to evolve, but in fact it doesn't happen. Every species that is, also was, and will also be, here in the present. Clearly this Don Quixote fellow has a well-developed sense of the universe. Except for that Devil Monkey part, there he seems a little batty.

Along the Alcan

2005-10-05T10:04:00.000-07:00

While driving down from Alaska last year I stopped in a small cabin on the Alcan for a homemade cinnamon bun. Man, was it good. Delicious. The woman who owned the place and made the buns, Martelle, told me this story:

Twenty or thirty years ago there were sixteen reststops along this stretch of the Alcan, but now they're all gone. This is the only one left. The reason is that the government done went and socialized all the services, by placing official state and provincial reststops along the way, putting us out of business. The only reason we're still here is because of how good my buns are.

But all the other private reststops are gone, including the carwashes and the brothels. See, the government doesn't like the competition that the local whores were providing, so the whole scheme was really just a monopoly putting its competition out of business. A monopoly on whores.

And the reason they feared us was because our whores were better than their whores. Our whores were robot whores, there to serve your every pleasure. But even then they weren't your standard robot whores. They were more evolved robot whores. They were at the forefront of the newest technology. They were so advanced, they could think for themselves and not just serve you. Yes, that's right, they were self-aware robot whores. And they were good at their jobs. They were excellent self-aware robot whores we had on the Alcan back then.

So the government feared them, and wanted to maintain their monopoly on less-evolved whores, and congress complied, and put everyone along the Alcan here out of business. And they took our excellent self-aware reststop robot whores for themselves and now the only place you'll find our type of whore is in the halls of Congress. They've given them all jobs. "Lobbyists" they call them. But I know what they really are: Robot Whores.

Sometimes our evolution theories are scarier than others. This is one of those times.

The Blue Fairies

2005-10-04T07:16:00.000-07:00

PZ Myers of Pharyngula, in discussing evolution, recently claimed that the "Blue Fairies" did it. More specifically,

I could also point to some gap in our knowledge (of evolution), say that difficult and poorly understood transition from the prebiotic world, and say 'the Blue Fairies did it!'.

I think he wasn't being serious, but it can be hard to tell over on his "evolution" blog. So I did some more research and I found this entry on the "Blue Fairies" at Wikipikipedia:

The Blue Fairies were a race of fairies from the 6th and 7th centuries who were well known in Royal circles in Europe for the blue hue of their skin.

OK, so this appears to suggest that the Blue Fairies were at the height of their powers only 1500 years ago, or so. However, the transition from the prebiotic world happened billions of years ago. Therefore I think PZ Myers is completely wrong to suggest that 'the Blue Fairies did it!'.

Grendel

2005-10-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

God created the entire Universe. But who created god? It turns out that god lives outside the universe in a community of gods. Well, the ones who are gods are the ones who have chosen to create universes. That's what makes them gods. The others are just good people. But who made the gods then? Well, clearly they evolved from lesser gods into higher gods. But still, we must ask the question who made god?

The answer is Grendel, the gentle giant. Grendel made the first god out of the dust of the pre-universe. Before the Big-Bang, the eternity (i.e. the pre-universe) was very dusty indeed. So Grendel decided to make a small and insignificant god out of this dust. And this god was alone in the eternity, so Grendel created a few more gods as playmates. Grendel was happy with his work. But then god and the gods started making universes. And Grendel was not happy anymore. So Grendel left the eternity to the gods and took his dust and went home. And ever since then the gods have used the less dusty eternity as their playground and every now and then create new universes in the sandbox.

My Mother

2005-10-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

My mother used to tell me about a story from the old country. It was a scary story, a story meant to make the younger of her 14 kids afraid to go out at night. I was afraid.

It went something like this:

"In the old country there was a time before electricity had come to the village, when twilight was the end of the day and you had to run home before it got so dark that you couldn't see at night. Oh, I suppose sometimes the moon was out, but not very often in the old country. Mostly it got foggy and dark very early and very quickly.

"Now I always ran home at twilight as quickly as I could, even when I was as old as sixteen, and of course I was scared. But one time I forgot how dark it was getting while I was playing with a rubber ball against the school wall. And it got dark. And I had to get home. We were told that there was a beast that would catch all the children outside at night, but I didn't believe it - it was just a story - but even still it would get pretty dark and it would get pretty scary. I still had to find my way home in the dark.

"So I started walking. Slowly at first, then a little faster, and soon I found that I was running! I guess I really was scared. And BAM! I was knocked down and was on the ground. When I opened my eyes there were these red eyes staring at me. I couldn't see anything but those red eyes. But the beast could see me. It looked me up and down and I could hear lip-smacking noises. Now I was so scared I couldn't move. I closed my eyes and fainted. When I awoke a policeman from the village stopped with his torch and saw me.

"I told him about the beast, and how I didn't see it except for its eyes, when it was right upon me. The policeman told me that what I had just seen was not a beast, but a man. A man that was more beast than man, maybe, but still a man. And he helped me home. My father knew that this beast/man was a freak, a genetic mutation of a man. Barely still human. But he could see in the darkness, could see for miles ahead.

"And that's how it came to be that your older brother Samuel was born and is able to see at night. He's a more advanced, more evolved human than you are. He is a great man, destined to greatness, because he can see in the dark. He and his children and his children's children will one day rule the world.

"You all are the product of your father, a lazy shiftless good-for-nothing man who never made a decent living in his life and none of you will ever amount to anything. You're all idiots."

And so I grew up afraid of the dark, and all because evolution had given a special advantage to my older brother. Now of course, with streetlights and all, I do go out at night. But I always remember to carry my torch with me. Just in case.

Internet

2005-10-01T07:25:00.000-07:00

From the SF Chronicle comes a brief evolution of the internet:

In the beginning, there was dial-up, and it was good -- until the thrill wore off and people noticed that loading some pages or downloading a song could take days. It's cheap, but the only people who use dial-up today are those who can't afford something faster or don't know better.

Dial-up begat DSL, and it was better. For little more than the cost of an extra phone line, it is fast and fairly reliable. Depending on your perspective, the price-vs.-speed ratio either strikes a nice balance or is unsatisfactory on both counts.

Next came the cable modem, which allowed users to download music, video and pictures at blazing speeds. The monthly bill, about $50, maybe more, once the special introductory rate expires, offsets the rush.

Now, there's citywide Wi-Fi, which, if all goes according to plan, will allow you to e-mail your aunt in Omaha from anywhere in San Francisco. You can't beat the price City Hall is seeking -- free -- but there are questions about speed and reliability, especially because of the hills.

Eh.

H57/P57

2005-09-29T07:11:00.000-07:00

The chemical compound H57/P57 is found in all life forms on Earth. Without it, we would all starve to death. Our hunger would be insatiable. Our appetites would be outrageous. We would never be able to supress our natural urges. Such is the power of P57/H57.

So where did this chemical come from? Not from Earth. This chemical was first discovered on the Moon in the year 2234BC by Hoodia II. The planet was experiencing environmental devastation greater than had ever been seen before that time, and the ruler of Earth was looking for a way to curb the appetites of the planet that was eating itself. And he found it on the moon. He concocted a rocket that would shoot the chemical high into the air and let it dissolve in the atmosphere, raining down on us even unto today. Thus as we breathe we ingest the P57/H57 chemical, and thus our environment is still safe from eating itself to oblivion.

This has been found to be the only way to prevent evolution from advancing any further, and thus destroying everything that we hold dear.

To test this theory, we have 20 people in isolation booths around the world. And each one was told to breathe on a schedule. Those who breathed more often were found to be less hungry than those who breathed less. Having established this crucial part of the puzzle, we then went and isolated the parts in the air, and did the same experiment again, but this time having the subjects breathe either pure oxygen, pure nitrogen, pure carbon dioxide, or pure P57/H57. The results should be coming in by February 12, 2007. We'll let you know how it works out for the subjects.