Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Afternoon of the Fauns

It's time to get back from an extended vacation into the forests of Albania, and so I am flying back home tonight. While waiting in the first class lounge of Air Albania, while this internet connection still holds, I am passing along a favorite evolution theory of my Albanian hosts.

Two giants named Gretta and Fretta were ruling their kingdom of giants with gentleness and firmness when one afternoon a visitor from a foreign land came and turned the kingdom upside down with his theories that giants were not fit to rule other giants, but rather it was the fauns who must rule.

And in the ensuing battles, the fauns conquered the giants and slay the beasties. God was very pleased and forgave the fauns the blood they had spilled over the lands. In thanks, God gave the fauns a few magic beans to play with. These beans grew into giant beanstalks that led to a new land of giants up in the clouds that the fauns had not known about. So they climbed the beanstalks and killed all the giants living up in the clouds.

One day a boy named Jack found one of the magic beans and grew his own beanstalk and climbed into the clouds where he discovered a beautiful and magical land of fauns. He met a faun named Cheryl, and together they set up a home in the clouds and had many children. These children were the animals of the forests.

Another boy named John also received some magic beans and planted another beanstalk and climbed up and found another beautiful faun, this one named Susie, and they had a lot of children too, and these children became all the beasts of the sea. And so on.

So as it turns out, we people are not descended from primitive animals, but rather just the opposite.

When people and fauns interbreed, lower animals result. It is a tale of evolution in reverse. And soon the entire planet Earth was populated with millions of lower species. And this was good because some of them turned out to be delicious.

Meanwhile, the fauns still live up in the clouds and the people went back down the beanstalks and live on the ground, and the beasts of the land and the beasts of the seas and the beasts of the skies all live where they want to also. Good for them.

This is the tale the Albanians tell. At the pubs, after a bender.

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