Saturday, December 31, 2005

Spider Eggs

This weekend is a holiday here at the Bob Davis Institute World Headquarters in Anchorage, Alaska. So we're sharing a toast and ringing in 2006.

And we're hot on the case of a new theory that promises to be very exciting for the coming year. It is a theory of evolution unheard of in this day and age, though it was more common in the 14th century in Brussels and in the greater Amsterdam area. The short outline of the theory is that spider eggs spontaneously generate new species every time they hatch in a sealed jar filled with rags.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Mandate for the Coming Year

In a year filled with mandates, we come to the end of our first year posting onto this internets thingy, and I realize that now is the time to review our mandate for the coming year.

Well, it turns out we have none. It is a very sad thing to see that we are in the same position as the Bush Administration, what with all the promise earlier this year for a mandate whithering away in the cold harsh light of dawn.

So we bring you this, our internal mandate for you:

We promise to keep up the good work, whether you are with us or against us. We promise to complete our stated task to collect not just one or two theories, but all the theories of evolution the world has ever known.

And so today, I present for you a theory of evolution that is so full of holes it will not last even two more days into the New Year. A theory so pointless that it can be summed up in one word. And here is that word, after 5 full paragraphs of preface: statistical anomalies. This is the theory that the Universe, like the Bush Mandate, is merely a statistical anomaly, having no real chance of actually existing, and only exists at this moment for the inanity of mathematical impossibilistic actualities.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

A Quickie Theory

Traditionally the week between Christmas and New Year's is a holiday known as "take the week off, we're closing the office, business isn't too good this year." But not at the Bob Davis Institute. Our business has been booming this year. Our sales are through the roof; and our collection of more evolution theories is busting its seams. So we're here. We're working hard for you. And we have many more evolution theories to share now and in the coming year.

Like this one: Zebras are an evolutionary dead-end from the Hippopotamus family. Now, this is just a theory. But the possible consequences from this are endless. The truthiness is remarkable.

And I just tossed it off in a matter of minutes. Sitting here at this here computer keyboard I entered the search parameters, cross-tabulated the optional codices, did a linguistic perambulation, researched the verifiable parts of the conclusions, typed it all up, and sent it out to the blogosphere. Well, I haven't sent it out yet; I'm still doing the typing part, but soon... Very soon...

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Year in Review, 2008

It's the end of the year and everyone's doing them, so who am I to argue? So on to our year in review; our top ten list, if you will. Except in evolution everything always moves forward, no looking back allowed, and so we here at the Bob Davis Institute and More Evolution Theories look to the future and present our prediction for:

Top Ten Evolution Theories and Other Evolutionary Advances of 2008, the good and the bad:

10. Golgoth the Magnificent, blessed be he, ruler of all the outer planets in the Solar System, evolved out of diamond dust on Mars before conquering Neptune and Uranus.
9. Cute puppies evolved when puppy genes were re-engineered to make them more irresistable, and come from a solution of fresh creamery butter and toasted almonds.
8. Venus is about to crash into Earth in early 2009 because Dinosaurs were re-evolved on Skull Island by the Evil Dr. Doom, thus throwing the entire galaxy out of equilibrium and forshadowing the doom of us all.
7. The latest human intervention in the evolution of Red Roses has resulted in flowers sooooo red that the entire planet has rejoiced in harmony and peace, abolishing all war forever on Earth.
6. The Bible tells us that Noah's Ark landed on Mount Ararat and the evidence found on this newly rediscovered mountaintop has proven once and for all that Noah was Dictator of the Known World in 4205-4192BC and that he flooded his entire populace in retaliation for complaints by "liberal traitors" about a little torture.
5. In reviewing the latest data on Intelligent Design Theory, introduced into the 7th grade curricula in Kansas and Michigan, the Pope has declared evolution good science.
4. Fairies were integral in the creation of the big cats; Lions and Tigers, and Bears too, many thousands of years ago as retaliation to the Pixies who had created Humans. In response, the Pixies slaughtered the Fairies in 1412BC in the Battle of The Golden Forest.
3. The Oceans are the source of all genetic diversity as a result of Rain - "God's Tears of Joy at His Creation."
2. In the early years of the Universe, one race took control of all the inhabited planets and killed off all the other species everywhere through the environmental degradation of the universe. That race? Humans! It was us all along! Nooooooo!!!!!!!

And the #1 Theory of Evolution for the year 2008: Our Alien overlords of the Cheney Clan from the Planet Abramoff in the Rove Galaxy were evolved from only the most evil of non-human genetic components.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Isis

Over 10,000 years ago, Africa was a continent filled with many animals, but the rest of the world was barren. One day there came unto the world a girl child, the Egyptian god Isis, who was born in a small village in the outer reaches of Upper Egypt. The daughter of farmers content with their lot in life, Isis set off for the big city to make a name for herself. In those days, farmers raised their crops of rice and barley in relative peace, only stopping to fight the occasional war against the incursions of the Abyssians. But they were fortunate to live along the Nile Delta with its regular floodings. Farming was a quick and easy way to make a living in those days. Until the Pharoah, Amenhotep, sent his tax collectors demanding gold tribute. Since the farmers were raising rice and barley, and not gold, they didn't have gold tribute to pay to the Pharoah. And thus Pharoah sent a great pestilence amongst them, in the form of flood-resistant grasshoppers who would eat all their crops.

All this time Isis was living large in the city of Alexandria. She became a famous actress in the plays of Euripides; wealthy, successful and fulfilled. Or so she thought. But when she found out that her parents and all the other farmers from her hometown were being starved to death by the Pharoah's grasshopper minions, she became a bit perturbed. And she used her magic to cast a spell upon the Pharoah. (Did we say she had magical powers? Well, we did say she was a god, so we figured the magic was to be taken for granted.) And Pharoah became quite smitten with her. He came to all her performances and lavished his attentions on her, and bought her a lovely crocodile-skin luggage set. And then one night while he was sleeping in his bed after a night of passionate lovemaking, she went into his office that was hidden behind a secret stone panel in the bedchamber, and found the files about the grasshoppers. There she discovered that he had no way to stop them once they had started.

So she used her magic and turned the Pharoah into a puma. And then she took all the cats that were in the palaces and turned them into pumas too. And then she took all the retainers of the Pharoah, and all the ladies-in-waiting and turned them into pumas too.

Once the pumas were running around wild, and destroying everything the Pharoah owned, she cast a spell to make the grasshoppers disappear, and she built a great pyramid, and she freed the Hebrew slaves too. And she scattered the pumas to the four winds, and when they landed on the different continents they became: elephants in Asia, bears in Europe, bison in North America, pumas in South America, and penguins in Antartica. And from these first animals, they each gave birth to more species and soon the rest of the world was populated, and Africa became the origin and source for all life on Earth.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

The Devil's Due

The Devil is an odd and particular type of creature that lives in the forests of New Guinea. There are not many devils left in the wild, for they are hunted for their "horn" which is considered an aphrodisiac in Chinese Medicine. All remaining wild Devils are descended from the one true original Devil, Beelzebub, also known as Bob in some sections of Calculus III at the University of Michigan.

The Devils that are still living in the forests of Borneo are gentle and subtle creatures, not given to giant rousing shows of power like their forbears. No, they are peaceful while they can be. But they enter into the course of human evolution every now and then just for the fun of it. Like now.

See, in 1932 the United States entered a pact with the Devil, signed off by Congressional Leaders. The Devil agreed to raise up the United States to sole Superpower status by the end of the century, which it did. And now the Devil wants it's due. And so the Devil has decided to become The King Over us All, and there does not appear to be anything we can do about it. For this reason, we shall all become vassals; we shall bow down to the Devil King and rue the day we ever thought we could live without him. The Devil is nigh, and now we are affeared. All of Human History has come to this: The Day the Devil came to Collect his Due.

Fortunately, this is only a theory.

The History of ID in America

Since Intelligent Design Creationism has been irremedially smacked-down, I think now is the time to discuss the history of ID in America.

It turns out that the History of ID in America began in Germany in 1332 when Martin Luther Stanhausen first nailed the 10 principles of ID Creationism on the Steeple of his church. Now you may ask what this crazy German Monk nailing things to his roof where people couldn't possibly have been expected to climb up and read them might have to do with America. And this I tell you: He was an American in disguise. He wasn't crazy, and he wasn't a monk at all.

The 10 Principles of ID Creationism, by the Monk Martin, as retold by Philip Johnson, American Architect of the Pantheon in Rome, in 1933 Berlin:

10. God created everything.
9. Evolution is a theory of how God created everything.
8. Evolution is wrong....
7. Therefore God created everything.
6. The irreducible complexity of the male nipple is all the proof you need.
5. If you need more proof, look at those bacterial machines
4. Look closer.... closer.... There it is! The machines! It's the machines!
3. The Design of the Mt. Rushmore mountain is evidence of the Intelligently Designed People.
2. So too was the NH "Old Man of the Mountain" until it collapsed two years ago. Now it is evidence of the Intelligent Design of the Cog Railway up the side of the mountain to nowhere.
1. If that's not proof, then I don't know what is. God is in the details. Less is More.

Those 10 points, stapled to a steeple by a monk named Stanhausen, are now the basis for all ID thought in America. And they have now been completely and irretrievably repudiated by the activist judges in Dover, PA.

UPDATE: More on the Future of the History of ID in America from Red State Rabble, The Loom, and Dispatches from the Culture Wars. Do you really want to know everything about ID that there is to know? Well, these fine bloggers will give it all to you - for FREE! Also, eSkeptic sure has a lot to say.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Trial of the Century!

Well, the courts have decided that the so-called "Intelligent Design" theory of evolution is not to be an officially sanctioned alternative scientific-like Theory of Evolution. Now if they would only rule on the Pixie Dust Theory of Evolution, so we can get science classes moving forward again.

UPDATE: More from the French.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Australian Mice

I've discovered one of the keys to the evolution of the mouse from the kangaroo in Australia. Even though I am not a biologist, evolutionary or otherwise, I do my experiments and follow up with peer-reviewed published reports right here on my weblog.

So I report to you (and the NSA operatives listening in) this finding: On the third section of Gene 23jh there is a small notch above the penultimate amino acid located underneath the oxalic perambulation that matches exactly with the same notch in the same place on kangaroos.

Now, you may ask if this correspondence proves causality. I mean, surely the kangaroo has evolved from the mouse and not vice-versa. But no, you would be wrong. Causality is proved because I am the cause of the original notch in the first place. So I can prove my Intelligent Design bonafides through the evolution of the Australian mouse from the Kangaroo and not vice-versa.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Bush's Advantage

One of the advantages to spying on US citizens is that the Bush clan will be able to propagate further than they would otherwise be able to, thus providing a significant evolutionary advantage to all the Bushies for eons to come. That's the only explanation I can come up for avoiding FISA requirements.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

The Government is Watching

I'm feeling satisfied these days, what with domestic surveillance of Evolutionary Biologists high on the Bush Administration's list. Since I'm no Evolutionary Biologist, but rather a Collector of Evolution Theories, I feel secure in my person in these here United States.

Friday, December 16, 2005

The Ides

December is the cruelest month, for it is the month when half of all species on any given planet will go extinct. Fortunately, April is the kindest month, when 90% of all new species on any given planet will spontaneously generate. Summer is a particularly fruitful time for these new species on your planet.

However, watch out for the Ides of March, for then is the time of the demons, when the demon species poke their tiny little heads up out of the cold cold ground and look around to see if it is time yet. Is it time yet for the demons? No. For it is December, and not the Ides of March, so calm down, for gods sake.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Noise

There's a noise that is a very rare and remarkable noise that not many people can hear. It is the noise that was created at the beginning of the Universe. At the Big Bang, probably. If you too can hear that noise, please let me know that I'm not the only one, because it is driving me crazy right now, you know?

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Dallas

The city of Dallas rests on top of an old Indian Burial Ground. It's a big city, so it must have been a big burial ground. Which it was. Because for many millenia people came from all over the world to be buried in Dallas. This is for reasons similar to why a salmon returns to its home to spawn. In other words, we really don't know why, but there must be some strong biological urge, even an evolutionary advantage to it. Such are the mysteries of Dallas.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Billowing Ribbons of Consciousness

Back when the world was young and the skies were a lighter shade of blue; back when the mountains were a little bit softer and the air was a little bit saltier; back in time to a place we can't find in the history books but still, late at night, we can hear in our dreams; back then there were long streaming ribbons of consciousness billowing in the wispy airstreams of reality.

We were each there back then, each of us a new consciousness just waking up from the straightjacket of eternity. We were joined together, but not forced together. We were one because we wanted to be one, each color and texture and taste of the world streaming. And slowly we started to differentiate ourselves, each ribbon slowly tearing from the currents that surrounded the earth in those days. Some of us were not so good at the task of individuating and some of us went high into the atmosphere, some even ripping the fabric of the protective thick coat encircling the planet and releasing the air like balloons releasing their helium to the skies. And many were lost in those days, following the streams into the aether. Maybe they're still out there, still traveling outwards in the ever expanding universe; maybe they've found a new home, a new planet, where they're individuation can continue without fears.

But here on earth we were already fighting, claiming the land as our own, quickly picking our territories as we landed from the skies and changed the world to suit our new bodies that we found buried deep within the mud of the earth. We claimed our bodies and our small piece of the earth and as much surrounding land as we could. Our consciousnesses were now completely separated, and the billowing in the winds of eternity had stopped forever and placed us flat on our faces to fight for just a corner of the world, our world, alone.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Pegasus Galaxy

Great Beings from the Pegasus Galaxy tell me that we are a small species of minor intelligence in a small corner of a minor galaxy over there in the left corner of the Universe. This is their opinion, I tell them, but we are not to be underestimated. For we are the Humans of Earth I tell them, and we are the particular Humans of Earth known as Americans. And underestimate us at your own risk.

The Great Beings from the Pegasus Galaxy laughed at my humorous remarks. And they told me a story, that I share with you now:
You Humans from Earth are a small species. Generally under 6 feet tall. We Pegasansians are over 12 feet tall; we are a Big Species.

Also, God made us a few billion years before he made you guys, so we are clearly the favored species, having been around for much longer, and being so much taller too.

Also, here on our planet we have a rich supply of oil, endless even, that we are able to tap to fuel all our cars and motor homes, and we'll never run out. It is a renewable resource on our planet. So there. Hahaha. Watch what happens to your planet when you run out of oil, a "non-renewable" resource on your puny planet. We've seen it happen before on other planets:

God invents a new intelligent species and places them on an uninhabited planet somewhere out in the wastelands and they grow smart enough to use the oil and then one day they use it all up and the species then goes extinct within a matter of months. Only we Pegasansians were placed on a planet with unlimited and renewable sources of oil, and so we live forever. Good luck to you Humans and your Earth planet.

And with that, the Pegasansian cut off communications. I have taken his warning to heart and have started a new research project to develop a renewable source of oil right here on Earth. I hope you will join me in my search for the impossible as we try to reinvent the planet in God's oil-stained image.

Friday, December 09, 2005

The Bible Says It's So

It's all a plot of the International Financiers. Not evolution, no, because Darwin was no "International Financier" if you know what I mean. No, I mean creationism. Think about it. Who created the very concept creationism? Well, let's take a look. It's all in the bible. The bible that was supported by "International Financiers" over 4500 years ago. I rest my case.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Revealing Secrets is my Job

Sometimes when I'm curled up in a ball, in the fetal position, while lying on my bed under the covers with curtains drawn and the lights off in the middle of the bright bright day, I think sad thoughts, like about how we are evolved from monkeys, or maybe that whales are more advanced than us but we just don't know it, or how the aliens aren't happy with the latest secrets of theirs that I have just revealed on this blog.

These are the risks of being a collector of evolution theories. It is a very dangerous business. Why, just yesterday, I got a call from a mysterious source with a mysterious voice in a musical language, and I was told to remove someone's name from one of the entries. Apparently, I was getting too close to the truth, and I was asked very gently with no apparent threat to cease and desist. I refuse to kowtow to the aliens among us, and so I refused. For your benefit. Now I feel I have put myself at risk, once again. Just like the time I wrote about the pigs and their theory of evolution, and suddenly I started noticing certain "signs" that could only have been warnings left behind for me by powers that were appalled at what secrets I had revealed.

I deal in secrets, and sometimes certain "people" "decide" that these "secrets" are too secret to be revealed, even to you, my loyal reader(s). So I have decided to place all my secrets into a safe place that the aliens and the pigs and the Bush Administration Lawyers can't find. So if this blog should ever stop without warning, you'll know why. And now you know that you need to find all the rest of the unpublished secrets before the government and their alien pigs find them first.

p.s. my secret hiding place is in Fargo, ND, in the crook of a tree in Carlton Park. The one by the swingset. It's in a 4" x 4" x 6" metal box. The key to the box is in Champaign, IL, in the crook of a tree in Carlsbad Park. The one by the soccer fields. It's in a plastic baggy, 3" x 4", with my name on the label. That's Bob, B - O - B, Davis, D - A - V - I - S. If it has Philip Weverka's name on it, then you have the wrong tree in the wrong park in the wrong city in the wrong state in this great country of ours called the United States of America, and don't you forget it.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Yes, Virginia

Confidential to Virginia: Yes, Virginia, there is a Swamp Monster theory of evolution.

And no, this is not part of the "War on Christmas".

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Voices

The voices are demanding that I print this post. They are adament; who am I to disagree?
Shallow and powerless humans, we are coming to remove you from this planet of ours that you call Earth but that we know as Arkanistormy. We were born here many thousands of eaons ago, and went out one evening to get a pack of cigarettes. When we came back, last week, you had trashed the place. We leave you in charge for just one minute, and now look at what you've gone and done. We will destroy you and return the planet to its natural order. That is all. Now go back to watching your "Survivor" and your "Lost" and your "24 Hours".
There, Voices, now will you please leave my head? I've done what you asked and printed your statement. Now go away so I can catch the last few episodes of "Arrested Development" before it goes off the air forever.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Desmond the Shaman Lizard

My masters have decided that I am being a little too flippant in my dismissal of certain, shall we say... "religious" theories of evolution. I don't think so. I think I have given them a fair hearing. But one of my masters in particular has demanded that I share with you this particular theory of evolution, that comes from the ancient and most wise Book of the Shaman Lizards (Jefferson Press, Middleton, MN, 1922, reprinted 2002):
Desmond the great and powerful Shaman is a Lizard of remarkable coloring - his scales are blue and yellow and red and green and they shimmer in the sunlight with the drops of dew dancing on his coat.

Desmond and his cohort Garranamal have ruled the Lizard seas for all eternity, and before. Together they have determined all the lower Lizards and their positions in the Pantheon. They have given form to the Frogs and let the Frog rulers Trudy and Barry carry on spreading the seas throughout the knwon Universe. Praise Desmond; Bless Garranamal.

They have brought into being all the Geckos, and given the Gecko rulers Harry and Celia dominion over all the plants and the trees, up to 12 feet in height. Praise Desmond; Bless Garranamal.

They have shown the light to the Dragons and delegated the creation of the Humans to the Dragon Coven known as the Wanderers. Praise Desmond; Bless Garranamal.
Well, I certainly hope that satifies my masters, at least for the coming week. I hope they don't force me to publish the next "Religious" theory on their list, the Theory of Brainless Zombies and their Masters.

Friday, December 02, 2005

The War on Christmas

The War on Christmas has begun in earnest this season. Check out my book review of The War on Christmas by John Gibson.

It turns out that this war has a long history. In fact, it goes back to 3000BC when the Emperor Farbush IV enacted the Edict of Harmon outlawing the cutting of spruce trees, which is interesting since Christmas wasn't invented for another 3500 years.

Be that as it may, the holiday celebrations of Christmas have their origin in a little known evolutionary advantage that humans have in their genome. It is on the 541st gene, located on the 13th pair. It causes some people to listen to the same songs repeatedly for the month of December and to redecorate their homes every holiday, and it is called the Christmas Gene. 15% of the American public lack this gene, and thus do not celebrate Christmas.

Bill O'Reilly and John Gibson have made it their latest cause to promote genetic engineering science so that the 15% of unbelievers can have their genes reprogrammed by the end of the month, in time to celebrate Christmas with the rest of us. This is truly an act of kindness and charity that Bill O'Reilly and John Gibson are performing for this 15% of Americans who are clearly sick and unevolved.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Echinoderm

Detailed studies of echinoderm dna have turned up traces of a chemical not otherwise known on Earth, called cistogeorgepraxisphilo-W-exprienciaticabush. The conspiracy theorists are having a field day all over the internets - this is being taken as proof of alien influence in our political process.