Tuesday, November 29, 2005

More about Cloning

Cheryl Pododnik of Renfred, WI has emailed to tell me that the last post about Cloning is wrong. She say that there are human clones. Humans have been able to clone themselves for thousands of years. And we can do it through parthenogenesis.

Her theory of evolution is that humans have been cloning themselves since at least the year 5223BC. At that time, various leaders of various tribes got together and created a giant clone army to defeat the alien invaders.

The result was a huge success - both in terms of removing the alien threat, and also in terms of creating a future genetic database for all of humanity. We are the results of that clone army, that genetic database. In effect, we are all the children of 4 great rulers from that era - Hirarcsicalyeti, Fridascherbertandrob, Pentaclepotterpitty, and Jeff.

Where we think we are the product of our parents, through the insemination of the father's sperm into the mother's egg, through the act of sexual congress, in fact that is a smokescreen. We are all parthenogenetically enhanced versions of these 4 great rulers of the past. And glad of it, too. So it seems that Pierre really may be my French Clone after all. And glad for it, too.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Clones

Cloning does not yet exist on Earth for people. While plants are regularly cloned, and some animals as well; Dolly the Sheep was an imperfect copy. And people are more complex than Dolly. So we are not yet able to clone you. Or you either, so give it up. You will not be able to clone an army of yourself to battle the evil empire with. Not gonna happen.

Unless you live on the planet Argherastic. There, the very intelligent people are not so complex. They've been able to clone themselves for millenia. Which has made their planet quite crowded with Argherastical peoples. So they've colonized other planets, directly affecting the evolutionary prospects of many planets - basically stopping evolution of higher beings right in its tracks, as the hordes of clones have filled the niche for intelligent life on these new planets before it could evolve naturally. And no natural disasters, of their own making or not, have stopped them in their tracks, since there is an unexhaustible supply of clones to replace all the dead ones. And there are lots of dead clones roaming the Universe right now as we speak.

Fortunately for us Earthlings, we were not visited by these hordes and hordes of clones before we evolved. However, we are now being inundated by them. So it is possible that we will not be able to further evolve. Hard to say.

But what is more important is the fact that these clones are warming up our atmosphere with all their "exhaust". Millions of clones have landed on earth and we are now starting to see the consequences of their being here - Global Warming. Oy, what will we do?

We cannot clone ourselves and go out into the wide wide Universe searching for planets to colonize. No, we are stuck here on this big blue marble we call Earth. And the temperature is rising. And the clones are coming at an ever faster rate. And I'm typing here as fast as I can, trying to get the word out, but to no avail. NO AVAIL! Please help.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Errata

It has been brought to my attention that the previous post, about my French clone Pierre, had an error in it. Where I indicated that Pierre was my clone, what I meant was that he was a friend of mine from college. I'm sorry for the confusion. My apologies, especially to Jacques.

I am still working on the translation of Montieul's newest Theory of Evolution, and will have that for you tomorrow. It appears to be about cloning.

Pierre

My french clone, Pierre, asked me to pass along a theory of evolution that his boyfriend Jacques has discovered. Jacques is not an Evolutionary Biologist, nor a scientist of any kind. So to say he "discovered" this theory is merely a literal statement of fact: Jacques discovered this theory in his garden one day when he was sowing some hibiscus seeds.

It was written up in nice neat handwriting, seven pages in total, with a plastic cover. It seems the neighbor boy, Montieul, had lost his college entrance essay, and had to come over later that evening to retrieve it from Jacque and Pierre. But before he left with it for school the next morning, Jacques copied it out. And Pierre immediately thought of sending it to me so that I could publish this 7 page hand-written, hand-copied, hand-translated and re-copied, essay on the Evolutionary Theory of Cloning.

Tomorrow I promise I will have it entered into the computer, all 7 pages of it, and will publish it here on this Internet site, for all the world to read and appreciate. Because Montieul is a very smart and beautiful young man, so my French clone Pierre tells me, and he has invented a very significant new Theory of Evolution. I shall see. And tomorrow, so shall you. Bon chose, mon ami.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Danielle Steel

Danielle Steel is the Mother of us All. She is the progenitor and the premixitor. The granter of life and the decider of death. The Intelligent Designer and the Evolutionist. She is the Dominar and the Author; the writer of fictions and the teller of tales; the bartender of the ingredients of life and the sharpshooter of the ends of the earth.

She is like unto a God to me. Danielle Steel is my friend.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Sixteen

Jesse Sonderbroden of Listings, MT has been working on his Masters in Evolutionary Biology at the University of Monata, Listings. however, he has a personal bias towards an alternate theory of evolution he has agreed to share with us.
There are sixteen aural tones that can be heard by the human ear. And there are sixteen distinct colors that can be visualized from a distance of 16m by the human eye. And there are sixteen different breeds of pack animals that can be used to hike the Grand Canyon. There are also sixteen Cloud formations, sixteen qualified Sherpas on Mt. Everest, sixteen types of angels that can all work together to get themselves to fit on the head of a pin, and most importantly of all sixteen separate clearly distinct gene groups in the human genome. These are not merely coincidences; they are facts. And the facts point the way to the truth, the true mechanism of evolution: Crystals. Sixteen-sided hexamegahagonagonal crystalline Crystals. From the Ukraine.

All the energy in the world that comes from the sun is redirected through these crystals and comes out the other end as usable energy in the form of sixteens. This energy is taken by biological units in increments of sixteen and used to create new life forms at sixteen millenia-year intervals. Sixteen wise men are currently working on a new engine that will take over this formulation and use it to power a V16 engine. And then we will be independent of the sixteen middle-east countries in OPEC that control all our vital fluids.
OK, so this doctoral student may not be the sharpest tack in the cupboard.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Iraq

If you've been wondering when I would address the situation in Iraq, today is your lucky day. Because I have a theory. A theory about the future of Iraq. Please, let me explain.

We all know that the US has been busy over the last 4 1/2 years developing a race of Super-Soldiers. But what you may not have known is that the NIH has decided to base their Super-Soldier program not on the Marines, but on Lab Monkeys. Yes, that is right, our government has developed a race of Super-Soldier-Lab-Monkeys! They're not ready yet, but soon. Soon.

What is great about this development is that no US citizens have been experimented on without their permission. Only monkeys. But they get to be Super-Soldiers! This evolution of monkeys will eventually catapult them past humans on the evolutionary scale. Once they re-conquer Iraq, put down the insurgency, and reinstate the No-Fly-Zones, then they will next conquer Iran and Syria! Woohoo! Next, the world! And we're going to get to be their slaves, if we're nice.

So please, pray with me that we can be nice enough that the Super-Soldier Monkeys will allow the human race to survive as their Slaves and not just kill us all off instead.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Not Bob Woodward's Source

Michael Berube has asked me personally (and all other bloggers too) to confirm whether or not I am Bob Woodward's unnamed source. I deny the implication. I most certainly did not talk about Valerie Plame's work at the CIA in my interviews with Bob in 2003. We were discussing a new theory of evolution involving a single bullet discovered in the oval office after Ford lost the 1976 election; that is all.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Ignore this Post

Private note to KR: I will not forward you those documents I discovered in my research while in DC without proof that you're the one referred to in the indictment.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Big Brains

Big Brains control the Universe. They decide which planet will be the next one to be blessed with an oxygen-rich atmosphere, when plants will evolve flowers, whether animals will be big like dinosaurs or small like ameobas, and even what time of day will be Afternoon Tea. They leave nothing to chance. They control the fleas and the ticks, the wood nymphs and the naiads, the tressle bridges and the sewer pipes. For they are the Big Brains.

The live in a sector of the Universe known to them as Sector 1A. Earth is a planet they created in Sector n1240bnv bv;p. ,./vv.

Monkeys are their favorite animal they created on earth. They love their shenanigans in the jungles. They are starting to get mad at us humans for chopping down the jungles. Something may have to be done. The Big Brains may have to travel back here to earth at any moment to correct some errors in the machine. We are powerless to stop them, for they are the Big Brains.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Vital Fluids

The 5th rib on some people is shorter, by 2mm, than would be expected by measuring the other ribs. This occurs in 3.22% of the population. This small piece of evidence is part of a larger plot to emasculate the young men of America.

It all started 62 years ago, when a body washed ashore on the coast of Eastern Washington. This body was mutilated in 6 places, and had a shorter 5th rib - the first to be discovered. Since then, 3.22% of all dead male bodies under the age of 25 have been discovered to have this same malformation.

In 1962 a key piece of evidence was revealed when the underground labs of Dr. Modesto were discovered in Brenda, Arizona. Dr. Modesto had died in a horrible industrial accident, but the one thing the investigators found that they were looking for is proof that Dr. Modesto was working on a Shrink-Ray Gun. (dum do dummm....)

In March of this year, the year 2005, on the 17th of March at dawn, before noon, another lab was discovered in Chillicoot, Montana. This lab was the lab of a Dr. Hildegard. Dr. Hildegard was working a new kind of Shrink Ray. A type of Shrink Ray that wouldn't require a gun! Thank god the authorities stopped Dr. Hildegard before he had perfected his new type of Shrink Ray, for otherwise there was the possibility that this new type of Shrink Ray would not have been confined to use on the 5th rib of nubile young American boys, but would have been used elsewhere, if you know what I mean.

Dr. Hildegard was close to emasculating American young men, once and for all, and then where would we have been? At the mercy of the French, that's where. Our women would have had a whole generation of babies from the Frenchmen that had been buying their airline tickets in anticipation of Dr. Hildegard's breakthrough. The entire American system of government would have collapsed within decades, and we would have all evolved into Frenchmen! (dum do dummm.....)

Thank god for the red blooded American FBI agents who saved us, saved all of us and our vital fluids, from contamination by the French.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Fungus

OK, the research is in, and there's a recently discovered fungal colony on the moon. No, really. Go check out the NASA links, and then come back, I'll wait.

Good. So what does this mean for future evolution theories? Oh, it means a lot. For instance, if it turns out the fungal colony has a strong leader, then that would imply that we have evolved to respect authority. On the other hand, if the fungal colony on the moon is leaderless, then civil rights would be paramount. And if the colony is not only leaderless, but also rudderless, then clearly we were not meant to have sailed across the seas, and so we should all go back to Africa where people came from. So you can see how this new finding of a fungal colony on the moon is critical to the future of evolution theories. And none too soon, I may add.

I will bring you all the latest updates on this fascinating new branch of research, fungolutionariology, as soon as the scientists finish their initial studies. Get to it guys! (And gals!)

Monday, November 14, 2005

Theatrical Endings

I have a wonderful new theory of evolution to share with you all, but not today. It is too complex to get my notes together into a blog post this morning. So instead, I will regale you with tales of dragons, and knights in shining armor.

Once upon a time there was a fair Knight by the name of Sir Gladhad. He was a very good Knight, insofar as he killed all the local dragons and saved all the local princesses. But he was not so good a Knight that he wasn't above shtooping the princesses that he saved. Not that they minded, those ice-princesses. They melted in his hands. And nine months later, he had a son. Or a daughter. And they were all bastard princes and princesses - true royals left abandoned in the woods by the Kings and Queens who were embarrassed by them. So he gathered these princes and princesses over the years and formed a traveling theater company, The Royal Theatre Company, Etc..., that was well known throughout the known world. A very good time was had by all, especially when they traveled to London for a show in March of 1433.

For more information about good Knights and Dragons, please visit your local library.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Hybrids

Walking on a cool crisp fall afternoon
The path dotted with dying leaves
Carried off to a place far, far away
Farther than even I can imagine.

We are people together on one planet
Until they come to take us away
And they have genetic engineering
Technology to use on each of us.

We are people together for now
One planet Earth for us all
But when the aliens experiment on us
We will be hybrids, even a new species

Further evolved
on the road to Nirvana;
On a cool crisp fall afternoon
Dotted with dying leaves.

Ritual and Cycle

As I sit and watch the American Republican Party disintegrate in a fiery ball of flaming corruption, I am reminded of an ancient theory of evolution, practiced by the Poyte Band in Northern Sacristan (in modern-day Phibia). The theory would have us believe that the Universe is cyclical - what goes up must come down; yesterday's news is tomorrow's news; mice evolve into badgers evolve into Gorgon Monsters evolve back into mice; Vice President's offices are the fount of all evil plaguing the world one moment, and then they are thrown from office in a cleansing ritual only to be replaced by another, more evil Vice President the next day.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Warming Up

I'm back and warming up just fine - thanks for all the concerned emails.

I'd like to spend a moment here and mention a theory that is very early in its development. It may not even rise to the level of theory yet, so maybe I should shelve this post for a few months; but no, I feel that you the reading public deserves a look at this new and exciting field of study in the more evolution theories field of study.

Ants.

Yes, ants. Ants are geniuses, according to this theory. And they're coming to get you soon. They're evolving at a rate faster than any other animal species, having mastered farming techniques, hunting and gathering, and building co-ops. Soon they will be using their massive musculature to threaten our dominance on earth, to threaten our very way of life.

Among the scientists researching this exciting new and burgeoning field of ants are Dr. Philip Weverka of the Oakland Institute of Michigan and Jennifer Tilly, the Hollywood actress.

Blankets

It's very cold in here this morning. I need a blanket. How can I search for more evolution theories in the world if I can't feel my fingers? Work will have to wait, I'm off to the store to buy a blanket. And gloves, too.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Dimensional Instabilities

One theory of evolution comes to us from deep within the theory of Quantum Mechanics in the field of study known as theoretical physics. Superstring Theory, one of many possible grand unified theories, contains more than 3 space dimensions. In fact, there may well be 10 space dimensions! And one of those dimensions is the dimension on which evolution occurs! It is the 7th dimension. It is curled up tightly as a ball on top of the 5th dimension, beside the 6th dimension which also expands into the 8th dimension. The 9th and 10th dimensions are unspeakable (Evil resides in the 9th dimension, while Dick Cheney's bunker is in the 10th). The 4th dimension is to be found in your grandmother's purse, thus providing a convenient place for you to store your old car keys.

Back to the 7th dimension, the evolution dimension. It turns out that we can move forward and backward (Symmetry) on all three space dimensions (up/down, forward/backward, left/right), and the time dimension (future/past). But the 7th dimension turns out to be one directional - you can only move forward. Thus we find on one end of the evolution dimension: Dinosaurs. And on the other end we find: Birds. Remarkable! On one end we find Proto-Monkeys, and on the other we find Homo-Homo-Sapiens! Amazing! This 7th dimension sure solves a lot of the mysteries we find in the world.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The Public Speaks!

The Dover, PA School Board has championed the theory of evolution known as Intelligent Design for so long that they forgot the public's power to determine truth and science. The court case known as Fitzmiller v. Dover School Board is awaiting the judge's final decision, but in the meantime, the School Board that has been at the forefront of Intelligent Design Science Studies has received an unequivocal message from the voting public: You're outa here.

(Links from: Pharyngula, Panda's Thumb, Daily Kos)

So without Intelligent Design theory to kick around anymore, that only leaves us with thousands and thousands and thousands of other theories of evolution to look into. Any School Board members out there want to pick up one of the theories I've been collecting the last year and start a new court case? I'm available as an expert witness for court cases large and small, local and national. All I ask is you pay my expenses plus a small stipend, and you've got me on your side, whichever side that may be.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Danibel and the Cacophony

Denizens of the Danibel Galaxy have a saying, "For all those who disagree, shoot them." This is a nice little saying, but it is not enshrined in Danibelian law. For that we have Albert Einstein to thank. Danibelistic Philosophy is encaged within an ear-splitting cacophony, and so we humans cannot hear it - cannot be privy to its philogenic sophistry. Thus when Einstein was heard to exclaim into a hudromemoter that was broadcasting towards the denizens of the Danibel Galaxy at the time,
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." (1948)
there was no way for him to know that just moments before the Danibelishments had been unleashed in our direction, for the orders were cacophonically unhearable by Einstein's tender human ears. Well, upon receiving Einstein's profoundly peaceloving message, the Danibelt Forces unfurled, and fled for home.

Thus we can thank the evolutionary advantages of our poor hearing for the survival of our species.

The Scientific Approach

From Scientific American (really!) we find that life arrived on earth from elsewhere in the cosmos, probably Mars:
(L)iving cells or their precursors arrived from space... from an extraterrestrial seed....

(E)arly in its history our solar system... included many worlds with liquid water... (L)ife existed on Mars long ago.... Life... also evolved on Europa, Jupiter's fourth-largest moon.... Venus... support(s) microbial life high in its atmosphere....

(A)ll life, and indeed all things, originated from the combination of tiny seeds pervading the cosmos....

(T)he first microbes... arrived from space. In the chaotic early history of the solar system, our planet was subject to intense bombardment by meteorites containing simple organic compounds. The young Earth... also received more complex molecules with enzymatic functions.... After landing in a suitable habitat on our planet, these molecules... continued their evolution to living cells....

(A) tiny percentage of the Martian rocks arriving on Earth's surface... with... organisms buried deep in the rock would certainly survive.

(Link from Plan 8 and 3quarksdaily)

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Apes, Sheep and Frogs

Sloppy guesswork is the hallmark of evolution theories that indicate that man evolved from apes, sheep, and frogs in that order. Surely some men and women have evolved from apes, sheep and frogs in that order, but certainly, clearly, not all. One theory is that the people who theorize that all men and women have evolved from apes, sheep and frogs in that order, are themselves the few people who in fact have evolved from apes, sheep and frogs in that order. I subscribe to this theory. I call this theory, the theory of apes, sheep and frogs in that order.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Fortune

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind
This is a "fortunate" truism that can only be explained by the 20th century concept of the atomic structure of matter, and more specifically of the brain. Without this atomic structure, the mind would have no integrity and would be like jello-brand pudding puddling in the skull. thus we see the coming together of Physics and Biology in one fell swoop of evolutionistically remarkable good "fortune". (And the Chinese food was good too.)

Friday, November 04, 2005

Pods

The young woman I met last week outside Wichita, Karen, was very nice to me when I had a flat tire outside her diner. She called AAA for me, and gave me a piece of pie with a cup of golden brown coffee. The she told me about the farm she grew up on,
We were poor, but not too poor. We raised chickens and grew corn and sorghum. But these weren't enough and we didn't make ends meet. So my dad started growing new crops, but he wouldn't tell us what they were. They grew about 4 feet high, and had large glowing blooms that opened into seed pods shaped like milkweed. My dad would ship these pods off to be processed, and he would receive 42¢ each for them, a lot of money back then.

So one day, I'm loading these seed pods into the truck and one of them starts jiggling a little, like there's something alive in it. Then it glows an ungodly green and gets hot, real hot. Too hot to handle, so I dropped it and ran. I never looked back. This happened about 6 weeks ago, and I've been working in this diner ever since.

Now I don't know nothing about what was in those pods, but now when I talk to my folks on the phone, they're pretty quiet and don't sound anything like they used to. They're fundamentalists, and they talk fire-and-brimstone a lot, but not recently. They now seem, well, happier. But also quieter. When I mentioned something about Iraq, they made happy gurgling sounds and said how good that man Bush sure is for the country and we've finally gotten to where we need to be and all our problems are finally over too. Scary-like.


So I figure I'm not going back there any time soon; but those pods - where were the trucks heading? There are plants in 15 states that "process" those pods, so I figure there heading to a place NEAR YOU.
Now, I have tried to make sense of this tale of hers, and all I can think of is that these pods are the next step in human evolution; so I have decided to give in to the pods when they come, and let myself be evolved into the future. Any day now I too will believe that all our problems have been solved by Bush, and then I'll make some happy gurgling sounds.

Seven Species of Humans

Have you ever wondered why there are 7 days in a week? Is there a natural basis for this? I mean, a day is based on the amount of time it takes the earth to rotate and a year is how long a trip around the sun takes, and a month is an approximatation of a woman's menstrual cycle. But a week? Well, sure the bible says that god made the world in 6 days, and on the 7th day he rested. But what about the godless, the heathens, the pagans, the atheists, the excommunicated, the fallen? Why oh why is the week 7 days all around the world and for everyone?

The answer is that the original number of human species were 7, though the bible won't tell you so. There were the homo sapiens, and the neanderthals. But also there were 5 other species that we know nothing about anymore, though our ancestors surely knew them.

Even though I know nothing about those 5 other species, just like you also know nothing about them, not even their names, I will tell you one thing: they were shorter than us. And if we're not careful to avoid what killed them all off, then we too could go extinct just like them. Just. Like. Them.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Entropy

Our existence is predicted by the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics. As we are currently existing at a low level of entropy, it is predicted that there must have been a high level of entropy at an arbitrary point in time before now. The odds against our existence would then be phenomenonally miniscule, as a relatively constant high level of entropy Universe should have no need of evolving to a lower state of entropy.

Except for the random fluctuations.

There would be random fluctuations. That's us. We are a massively unlikely random fluctuation on the grandest of possible grand scales. The entire Universe, that is. Random Fluctuation. Poof, the high-entropy Universe fluctuates, as it is wont to do, and we are called into existence. Maybe it was only yesterday. Maybe we are only here for this one moment, before being fluctuated back out of existence. But what we do know, is that we did not evolve to this point. We were created in one giant random moment; us, the planets, the galaxies, all the fossils buried in the ground, all the laws of physics, all the books, all your memories.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Response to Filamina

Look, Filamina, I told you not to call me here at work ever again. It is not true that we were once lovers; it is not true that you are special. Please get it through your head that this is a serious business, here, collecting all the theories of evolution in one place, and you're not helping matters one bit. So get over yourself, and stop sending me all those fake theories of evolution about things like that three-part godhead coming down to earth to save us; nobody takes you seriously anymore, OK?

Musical Interlude

Music is the key element missing from most evolution theories. Not this one.

The harmonic resonance of the Earth's atmosphere, coupled with the rhythm of the plate techtonics, has been an integral part of the evolution of all species on Earth. All species respond to musical stimuli when prodded in a lab setting, from the smallest jellyfish to the largest DC9s; from the least intelligent fish to the most intelligent fish-mongers. And they respond to both the harmony AND the rhythm. Some have postulated in the past that it was the rhythm they were rocking out to (see Danko, Helm, Hudson, Manuel, and Robertson's 1969 paper, Take a load off Fanny, take a load for free). Some were certain it was all about the melody (i.e. Johnson and Johnson's landmark 1952 study of the effect of melody on the reproductive success of green tree frogs, Froggy Went a-Callin').

Now we have the evidence, from deep within the earth's own mantle, beneath the crust, that it is both the rhythm AND the harmony that were responsible for the abiogenetic origins of life on earth, as well as the ongoing integration of complex biological polyphonic beings, leading to the apex of creation, Kurt Cobain's plaintive screams for help, "Grandma take me home, grandma take me home", indeed.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Lying

Lying has no evolutionary basis in the human genome. Any lying currently being done by any Bush administration sources is clearly and completely extra-evolutionary. In fact, I think one can state very clearly that this is proof of a failure of evolution to be able to account for all forms seen in nature in the environs of Washington DC.

So I have formulated a new Theory of Evolution to account for this. This theory states that all government officials are from the Simpsons Treehouse of Terror episodes where the aliens Kang and Kodo


come down and take over the political structure of our country. I think this is not simply idle speculation. Based on a very careful and intense research project into the sources of the current Lying in Washington, one can parse the words ever closer and ever more closer than that even, and between the lines is not simply a stated refutation of that Wilson guy's story about his wife, the Plame woman, but more importantly, underlying all the Lies is a story about World Conquest. First the Aliens came and infected the US goverment. Then they conquered Iraq. Next comes Syria and then France, and then THE WORLD! The aliens will then have conquered the entire world for their species, which will move in and become our neighbors, and interbreed with us too. We will then lose all ability to not to Lie. Then we will be a dead species, as far as the Universe is concerned. The end of Evolution as we know it! Thus proving once and for all, conclusively, that Lying by the Government is the End of Evolution as We Know It, Dammit.