Friday, October 28, 2005

Scooter

I was discussing various intricate evolution issues with Dick Cheney a few years ago, when he had to leave the room - something about an airplane flying over the White House and his needing to take charge again. So he had me finish the conversation with someone named, I think it was... "Scooter"? I know that doesn't sound right, but for now, let's leave it at that. So Scooter was telling me about his theory of how frog DNA and toad DNA prove that amphibians separated from reptiles during the neo-late-cretaceous period.

Then he had to take a call in the other room from a reporter, so I waited in his office in the West Wing, thumbing through magazines and reports from Italy about something called "yellowcake". When he came back, he told me he was in the middle of countering an attempt by a former ambassador to smear President Bush by claiming that Bush knew the "16 words" in his State of the Union speech were false. Clearly, Scooter told me, Bush doesn't know anything about what was in his speech to the nation.

Then he leaned in and whispered something into my ear. Something secret. Something sweet. Something that I have testified to the Grand Jury about by invoking my 5th Amendment right against self-incrimination. So why should I tell you now? I will go to my grave keeping this "Scooter" person's secret. But I can tell you this: Valerie Plame Wilson is a friend of mine, and you sir, are no Valerie Plame Wilson.

Oh, and Scooter was wrong about his theory of frog/toad DNA. Amphibians and reptiles separated genetically from each other 6000 years ago, during the last great epoch of global warming, after the Flood.

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