Sunday, October 30, 2005


The average weight of NFL players is 325 lbs. The average height of NBA players is 6' - 11 1/2". The average number of teeth of an NHL player is 4. The average bat speed of a baseball player is very fast indeed. And let's not forget 170 mph tennis serves and quad-spin ice-skaters and sub-4-minute milers and 500-mile ultra-marathoners and gold-medalist rhythmic-gymasts and going all-in in texas no-hold-em and bowling a perfect game. Why, the modern olympics are just rife with record breaking.

These remarkable feats are brought to you by the genetic engineering advances of the Monsanto Corporation. Without Monsanto, and its subsidiaries Dow PetroChemical and Bayer Genetic-Testing and the wonder drug Viagra there would be no advances in sports. We would be stuck in the dark ages of sports where people had to use their inate talents. But now we have advanced genetic sports engineering that has created various races of supermen, more advanced than the ancients could ever dream of. More advanced even than the old gods - Pluto and Demeter and St. Paul. Soon, you and I will be only a remnant memory of the planet, as we are finally fully overcome by the race of supermen who are now dominating our sports, but will soon be dominating the sciences too. And then the only jobs we will be able to hold will be janitor for their super schools, which will be kind of like that Hogwarts school that Harry Potter goes too. That would be cool. Can you imagine all the excitement that would go on around you, while you get to watch all the remarkable Quidditch matches from the sidelines without any danger of having to participate? I say, it will be a good thing when Monsanto has finally finished creating its race of overlords for us and we finally get to give up our dreams of being athletes and scientists and artists and architects and waiters and policemen and firefighters and taxi drivers and doormen and elevator service technicians and finally get on with the business of being janitors at Hogwarts. Cool.


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