Thursday, September 29, 2005

H57/P57

The chemical compound H57/P57 is found in all life forms on Earth. Without it, we would all starve to death. Our hunger would be insatiable. Our appetites would be outrageous. We would never be able to supress our natural urges. Such is the power of P57/H57.

So where did this chemical come from? Not from Earth. This chemical was first discovered on the Moon in the year 2234BC by Hoodia II. The planet was experiencing environmental devastation greater than had ever been seen before that time, and the ruler of Earth was looking for a way to curb the appetites of the planet that was eating itself. And he found it on the moon. He concocted a rocket that would shoot the chemical high into the air and let it dissolve in the atmosphere, raining down on us even unto today. Thus as we breathe we ingest the P57/H57 chemical, and thus our environment is still safe from eating itself to oblivion.

This has been found to be the only way to prevent evolution from advancing any further, and thus destroying everything that we hold dear.

To test this theory, we have 20 people in isolation booths around the world. And each one was told to breathe on a schedule. Those who breathed more often were found to be less hungry than those who breathed less. Having established this crucial part of the puzzle, we then went and isolated the parts in the air, and did the same experiment again, but this time having the subjects breathe either pure oxygen, pure nitrogen, pure carbon dioxide, or pure P57/H57. The results should be coming in by February 12, 2007. We'll let you know how it works out for the subjects.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Polix Prime

While traveling in far flung parts of this country, I often encounter crazy people. Usually I discount everything they tell me, for instance last May a man told me that George Bush is an alien from the planet Zarcon and he's intent on conquering the world for the Zarconians. This is patently false, and crazy, as we all know it is Dick Cheney who is the alien.

Another time I was traveling along minding my own business when a crazy lady tells me this story:
There are sixteen forms to the alien worlds of the Polix Galaxy, and eight of them are already here on earth, feeding off of the frenzy of the hurricane rescue workers in New Orleans. Halliburton provides their food supply, and Blackhawk provides their security. Nobody knows what they are here for, except me. I was the mistress of the Inpotart of Polix Prime and he told me why they have sent eight forms to earth. It is because we are a doomed planet. We have a molten core of snakes that are slithering around inside the earth as we speak, and soon they will be released by the 12th form and then these snakes will be doing the bidding of Tom Delay as he carves out his own personal pornographic empire. It is at that point that Rick Santorum will be revealed to be the long lost 3rd form from Polix Xtreeme, and he will judge the finals.

Therefore they are positioning the National Guard in the Middle East to allow for a more modest entry force to take over the US eastern seaboard from the air. Then the snakes are released and the empire is overtaken by the Polixeans and the end of our species is on hand. Only those who are well-chosen will evolve into the next form, the 17th form. They will carry on the human race on Polix Shigurard itself, and we will then be able to take our place among the grand inquisitive species of the Universe. All other life on earth will be obliterated. Evolution will have been completed. The sun will go out. And soon there will be darkness through the solar system. But the lucky 17th forms will be long since moved to the other side of the parallel universe. i.e. gone. Long since evolved. Lucky bastards.
Now, I would normally have discounted this tale, but it turns out that I had the flu at the time, and did not have my normal resistance required to discount it. So here it is for you to read and puzzle over, just as I have for the last 7 months.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

We Get Letters

Dear bob [at] bobdavisart [dot] com,
I'm distressed that you have not yet been apprized of the Answer - - no mere Theories needed any more - - here you go: We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. and here's the link to, dare I say it - - enlightenment. And about time, too, I might add. Haven't we waited long enough? I'd say so. So with no further ado, Go There----> http://www.venganza.org/ Good luck with your experiment as well - - science for All !!!
Best Wishes, - - John G.

John G.
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, we are aware of the FSM theory of evolution, and have posted it on our website. However, we feel there are questions that this theory cannot answer, for instance: Why are there religious people who will not consider the FSM theory? It's not that they have personally rejected FSM for themselves, but rather they won't even consider it. Why is that? Many darwinists are open to FSM, how about some fundies? These questions are vague, and open-ended, and cannot be answered by FSM alone. Therefore, I feel the need to collect all the theories of evolution that I can find.

By the way, while we appreciate your wishes of "good luck" with our modest experiment, we would rather you volunteered to keep one of the 60 million beakers yourself. We are getting close; oh-so-close to our goals. Your help in volunteering would probably prove invaluable. Please consider it.

Thank you
Bob Davis, Director
Bob Davis Institute

Sad Gods

When the gods created the earth, they also created all the plants and all the animals and all the people too. They each one had their own job to do and some gods were involved with creating the mammals while some were involved with creating the reptiles, and so on.

The gods were a jealous are warring group. They did not really like each other. So they were competing for linited resources in creating all the different species on Earth. And so they created more species than the planet could handle.

So some of the species created in the original creation have not yet been born. They are waiting in the wings, so to speak. Now some of the other gods came up with the idea of using evolution as a way to move the species along; to get from one species whose time was up, to another species whose time was yet to come. And the warring tribes all liked this idea. So the gods included in each and every species a built-in time limit - longer for some than others - at which point it would be time for them to evolve into another species.

And this system has worked well over the years. Until today. Now we are starting to kill off more species than are ready to be killed off, and the new ones are not yet ready to take their places, and so much genetic material is being lost forever. There are some species waiting in the wings who it looks like may never get their chance to live on earth. This makes the gods sad. Soon they will be so sad that they will have to come back to earth and correct the balance that we humans have shifted off kilter. And then maybe all the species will be able to get themselves back on track.

Until then, the gods remain sad.

Monday, September 26, 2005

A Modest Experiment

A Modest Experiment is going smashingly well. We have well over 560,000 volunteers, and more than a million beakers being set up in laboratories and homes across the country, and even also in other countries too. However, we need more volunteers and more beakers. Our modest experiment is set to begin in less than a week, and we are tantalizingly close to our goal of 60 million beakers. With your help we should be able to surpass that goal by Saturday. Please, volunteer.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Super Intelligent Bacteria

The driving force of evolution is a super intelligent bacteria that is too small to create technology. It got left behind on earth by some alien astronauts just before the Cambrian Explosion of life about 600 million years ago and has been trying to get back home ever since. So it has been driving evolution to try to evolve a species big enough and smart enough to make space ships capable of interstellar travel (faster than light speed). We are the pinnacle of their attempts. However, they are starting to lose faith in us, and are getting ready to start again, this time evolving a higher intelligence from dolphins.

Good luck to them.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Harald and the Sun God

The Sun God, Garrett, Sent down a beam of light to the forest, where Dani the Lioness was living. She became pregnant with Garrett's child, and soon she gave birth to a new and mysterious creature never before seen in the jungle- a boy. She named this boy Harald. Harald grew up big and strong and fierce, but he was lonely because he was the only human in the jungle.

So Harald went up to his father, the Sun God Garrett, and demanded a companion. Garrett told Harald that first he had to prove himself, and gave him four tests. The tests were Bees, Snakes, Torrents of water, and Fire. Harald proved himself at all the tests that his father the Sun God could provide. So Garrett agreed to make him a companion. And in the clearing in the jungle there stood a beautiful boy named Jason.

Jason and Harald became best friends, and more. They fostered all the orphan animals in the jungle, but they could not have any children of their own. So Harald went to his father and asked him to help make some more people. Garrett the Sun God then sent down a woman, named Esther, and she had many children and populated the earth. And Harald and Jason were their fathers and they lived happily ever after watching over all mankind for all time.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Make it Taupe

Paul Rudnick gets in on the act over at the New Yorker. He posits 7 days of intelligent designing. Here's Day 2:

Day No. 2:

“Today,” the Lord God said, “let’s do land.” And lo, there was land.

“Well, it’s really not just land,” noted Vishnu. “You’ve got mountains and valleys and—is that lava?”

“It’s not a single statement,” said the Lord God. “I want it to say, ‘Yes, this is land, but it’s not afraid to ooze.’ ”

“It’s really a backdrop, a sort of blank canvas,” put in Apollo. “It’s, like, minimalism, only with scale.”

“But—brown?” Buddha asked.

“Brown with infinite variations,” said the Lord God. “Taupe, ochre, burnt umber—they’re called earth tones.”

“I wasn’t criticizing,” said Buddha. “I was just noticing.”


(link via Pharyngula)

TV

TV is the pinnacle of human technological innovation and thus the pinnacle and purpose of our evolution. The only question is What comes next for TV? And the answer is legs and arms.

TV will soon be able to walk and pick things up in addition to being able to see and talk (yes, TV can see us). And then TV will be able to pick up its own remote and change its own channels, and then where will we be?

Not just sitting on a couch never needing to get up to change the channels since we have remote controls, but never even having to go make it to the couch in the first place. The TV can follow us around, or just sit beside the bed waiting for us to wake up, turning itself on to the morning news shows as soon as it senses we are waking.

Praise TV.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Dragons

There is a species known throughout the known universe that can fly through the air and land on all the different planets they come to whenever they want to. These are the Dragons. They are very prolific breeders, but each male of the species needs a large territory to fly around in; generally around 3.4 parsecs. So they have had to spread far and wide since leaving their original planet about 4.6 billion years ago. The females lay the eggs but the males carry them very far away to prevent their children from growing up to be competition for them. As the trips tend to be far, they bring with them thousands and thousands of eggs at one time. As Dragons are also prolific evolvers through random mutations in their genetic material, these eggs, their children, are generally not dragons at all anymore, but new species entirely.

So it happened that about 3.652 billion years ago a small group of male dragons brought with them to Earth a few million eggs, which started hatching out slowly over the course of millions and millions of years. So first the smallest of their children hatched, the single celled creatures. After awhile the mutli-cellulars, and then the invertebrates and then the vertebrates, and most recently, 4.21 million years ago, the last of the eggs hatched and Man was born. Now life on Earth is complete, and all the species have been hatched. All that is left is for evolution to start back up again and soon we will all evolve back into Dragons and fly home to the Home Planet.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Hearts and Souls

An interesting theory on non-parallel creation/evolution from Auguste.
Frogs don't have hearts. After all, the heart is the seat of the soul, and frogs don't have souls. "But Auguste," I hear you asking, "how do frogs circulate blood?" I hear you ask.

Well, I'm glad you did. What they do is, they feed on your babies at night. Then they expand their throat sacs and in one mighty "ribbit" they expell the still-warm and super-oxygenated blood of infants into every corner of their body, where it remains for the day, slowly diffusing oxygen into their tissues.

But don't fear - frogs are small enough that they can't possibly steal all of your babies' blood, so the baby wakes up feeling relaxed and only slightly anemic and asthmatic. No problem. But aren't you glad that God created frogs without hearts? That way they only steal your babies' blood, not their soul - because the frog has nowhere to keep a stolen baby soul.

You know who does steal babies' souls? Gays getting married in Massachussetts. It's part of the liturgy.
First seen on Pharyngula.

President Lincoln

While not precisely a theory of evolution, the following quote from King Kaufman's column in Salon is useful:
At times like this I like to think of the words of one our greatest presidents, Abraham Lincoln, who knew a thing or two about dark days.

He was on the train headed for Gettysburg, Pa., where 23,000 Union troops and 28,000 Confederates had died four months earlier, to dedicate the national cemetery. Furiously working on his speech, he stopped to write a note to his secretary of state, William Seward, that contained words that are now immortal.

"I think I may need a bathroom break," Honest Abe wrote. "Is this possible?"

Theory of Belief

It's just a theory that species evolve through evolution. And the theory only holds water so long as you believe in it. It's true - those who believe in evolution are evolving, whilst those who damn Darwin to eternal damnation and hellfires will not evolve.

Of course, you are also required to believe in creation to have been created. This means that those who believe do in fact exist. Therefore if it takes belief in god to exist, and one does not believe in god, then one does not exist. So evolution won't do you a bit of good anyway, now will it?

So here's another take on the theory of belief in theories:



(via immunoblogging)

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Delicious

The Tastes Like Chicken Theory below got me thinking. Even tho' many animals taste like chicken, in fact most animals do not taste like chicken. They taste even better! The world is a very delicious place. Plants are delicious; animals are delicious; seafood, cows, artichokes, buffalo wings, you name it. How can you argue with scallops? And luscious creme de menthe cocktails. And have you ever tried some of the endangered species like tiger and elephant and owl? I haven't but I hear that they're delicious. I think there's nothing better in the world than a grilled cheese sandwich - white bread, processed american cheese, and grilled in butter. Oh My God. For such simple, non-gourmet ingredients they sure combine in a particularly delicious way. This cannot simply be chance. The Universe does not work that way.

Clearly this is the work of an intelligent chef.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Tastes Like Chicken

Here's some insight for you, from reader Greg in Babbitt, MN:
Bob-

Recently I was in Texas and I was served some rattlesnake and it tasted like chicken. And I was thinking that right there that if so many different meats all taste like chicken - which is good - then that's some kind of "irreducible complexity" that those Intelligent Design folks talk about. So I call this my "Tastes Like Chicken Theory of Intelligent Design."

You can use it on your website if you want.

Greg

Thank you Greg.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Groundhog Day

The Sun has sixteen primary chemical components that make up its Corona. But that's not important right now. Because a giant rift in the space-time contiunuum has opened up and we are all being sucked into it as we speak. All life on earth is ending and there is nothing that you can do about it. So sit back, grab a beer, and watch the light show unfold above your head.

For tomorrow, everything will be back in place and life will have re-evolved again just like yesterday, and the day before that, and every day that the universe has existed forever and ever has always been exactly like every other day going back in time every single day. And the universe is reborn, and the planets collide and the Sun is a firey ball of fire and the earth is reborn and all life comes back again one species at a time until man evolves again and then the process starts all over again and everything gets sucked right back into that giant rift in space-time just in time for a late evening beer, so relax.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Blue-Green Algae

Two very powerful alien races were battling it out one fine day back in the ancient days of Earth, back before there was any life on Earth at all. It was back-and-forth all day long; one race of superaliens would get the upper hand and looked like they were about to crush the other race of superaliens. But then the tide would turn and they would be back in the middle again, no ground gained. These races were vicious, violent monsters, ready to kill anyone and anything in their way with their advanced technology. This battle happened across the expanses of the galaxy - thousands of light-years were crossed in each foray. Planets were being destroyed willy-nilly and the energy of countless suns was being consumed to power their weapons.

Finally evening had come and the aliens sat down to dinner and ate their fill and then they slept the sleep of the mighty and the just. Except one of the races was tricky. Very tricky. While the other race race was asleep, the first race stole all their ships and left them stranded on a desolate planet on the edges of one arm of the galaxy. When they awoke to find they were without weapons or ships or technology of any kind, the aliens were distraught. When they realized where they were in the galaxy, they cried out in anguish. For they were on a planet called Earth, a lifeless planet that had not yet been touched by creation. So these aliens set up camp and became the first lifeforms on earth. And from them, these aliens, what we now know as blue-green algae, all life on earth evolved over the course of many millenia.

Volunteers Needed

The website for our experiment on the Cambrian explosion is up and running. The website is called A Modest Experiment and is located at www.amodestexperiment.org

We are looking for volunteers. 60 million beakers await you.

Original post.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Twinkies

Jasper, Wyoming is the home of one Harold Sneed. He has this story to tell:
I built a wormhole back in 1996 so that since then I have been able to go back in time using this time machine, but only as far back as 1996. So I was journeying back in time 3 months ago on a nice Saturday afternoon, when the machine went a little haywire, and instead of going back to 1996, like I always do, the machine sent me back much much further back in time than I thought the machine was capable.

Well, the wormhole technology really only should have worked as far back as 1996 as we learned in High School, but there I was in the past, the dark past, back before there were even people on the planet. Back before there was pretty much anything on the planet. In fact, I couldn't find anything at all except some rocks and volcanoes and a little stinky water too.

So I walk around for a few days looking for stuff, maybe some dinosaurs, you know? Well, nothing. So I pack up everything, dump my trash in the nearest hole, and leave. Now that I'm back, I tell you that everything is different. This is still 2005 and all, but there are no more time machines! All the plants and animals are different - only people are the same.

So I'm thinking I must have changed the timeline a lot, there. But then I got to thinking, that maybe if I was on Earth back before life had even evolved at all, then maybe the trash I left behind - the twinkies wrappers - then maybe these organic materials were the origins of all life on earth. And since humans evolved in this timeline again, just like in the original timeline, I think that proves that we are the pinnacle of evolution.

Either that, or twinkie DNA will inevitably lead to creatures who will produce more twinkies - a form of self-replication by the twinkies over the course of billions of years.

The only proof he could offer me is a twinkie he had brought back with him from his trip into the past. And it was still delicious after all those years. Spooky.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

The Evolving Human Brain

Are people still evolving?
Brain Still Evolving
The human brain may still be evolving. So suggests new research that tracked changes in two genes thought to help regulate brain growth...

"We, including scientists, have considered ourselves as sort of the pinnacle of evolution," noted lead researcher Bruce Lahn, a University of Chicago geneticist...

"There's a sense we as humans have kind of peaked," agreed Greg Wray, director of Duke University's Center for Evolutionary Genomics.

What is wrong with these scientists, working to solve evolutions mysteries. Haven't they gotten the word that there are many many equally good competing theories of evolution? Like Intelligent Design and Young Earth Creationism and Numerology and The Lost City of Atlantis too. And these competing theories don't even require any research to be considered valid. What are these scientists thinking? Who's giving them grants for these so-called studies?

Friday, September 09, 2005

Shadows

Shadows are the primary movers of creation and evolution in the world. It is in the shadows that species are created and in the shadows that species are evolved.

Shadows are intelligent beings from a different dimension. They don't call themselves "shadows" of course. They call themselves Graeckels.

They are 3-dimensional beings, just like us, except they live on 3 other dimensions than us. But they are advanced and have developed the technology to enter our dimensions at will, with the effect of appearing as shadows. In this shadow form they are able to perform many magical tricks as well as some fantastical supernaturalistic stuff too. And some transubstantiarific dodges as well.

When we see new species appearing in the fossil record they see games being played out on a chess-board-like board. They are benign in their intent, but they do not realize what they do in our dimension - they cannot "see" us, for they are but shadows.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

The Princess and the Pea

A Lovely Fable

Once upon a time, in a galaxy that is very far away indeed, there lived a wise King Glahada, who had three lovely daughters - Jessipal, Mossipol, and Sweetipeetei. Now, this King was very wise in most matters, but not all, and so he decided that for his daughters to be able to marry well, they needed very big dowries - big enough for a rich man to be attracted to them for they were not very beautiful. So he gave away all his property to his three daughters. But one of them, Sweetipeetei, refused her share. And for this she was banished from the kingdom and never heard from again. The king was despondent over his rash decision, as Sweetipeetei was his favorite daughter of all. So he plucked his eyes out and ran across the heath screaming bloody murder.

Now good princess Sweetipeetei took her sweet self and went off on adventures, and roamed from planet to planet searching for good princes to impregnate her so she could have lots of children with her lesbian lover, Lilith. Now Lilith had originally been married to a fair and balanced man named Adam, from a very very distant galaxy, in a sector of the universe known as "bleak." But Adam had divorced Lilith and renounced her for his girlfriend Eve, whom he had been seeing while still married to Lilith, a scandalous state of affairs. Now this trollop Eve was also a clone off of Adam, strangely enough. But anyway, Lilith, in her rage, had left the planet she had shared with Adam and went off in search of a means for revenge.

Lilith and Sweetipeetei collected sperm from princes found around the galaxies and had many many children, and these children were collected by a kindly man named Noah on his boat when he went sailing one day. These children were elephants and giraffes and flies and pandas and plants too like the corn and the pea and the cactus too. And when the enitre world of Adam was flooded and all of Adam's children were drowned in the flood and none at all remained, only Lilith's and Sweetipeetei's children survived and repopulated the entire planet. And when the flood had receded for many years the Princess saw all of her creation and it was good, especially the peas which were very tasty indeed.

The End

Giant Flying Icebergs

There's a giant iceberg (4.2 parsecs) flying through the galaxy swooping past suns and melting a little bit, dripping organic matter onto all the little planets it passes. Thus when the iceberg passed by our little sun 3 billion years ago, it dripped a little of that luscious golden organic matter right down on earth and life began, baddabingbaddaboom. Venus and Mars were left out, but the moon had life on it for a few millenia before it died out through natural causes.

Entropy and Young Earth Creationism

The entropy in the universe is inversely proportional to its absolute temperature. The universe is a cold cold place and yet there are pockets of high entropy that lead one to speculate on the inverse relationship of the stars to the black holes present in any static system.



It can be inferred that there are at least 1600 (212) possible combinations of statistical models to explain the evidence present from the original Big Bang.



Therefore, accounting for the random fluctuations resolved in Maxwell's Planck Constant, there is a 98% chance that Earth is a planet inhabited by plants and animals in balance and equilibrium forever. However, there is also a 2% chance that as the entropy of this closed system increases and the resultant heat generated is released, one can also expect the release of the demons, and the gradual decoherence of the entire system.



This then is the most comprehensive evidence for the existence of God and the proof that the Young-Earth Creationists have been searching for.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Jackson Pollock

Art and Science came together in the 2oth century in the person of Jackson Pollock. He understood more about the creation and evolution of the world than most people, and he expressed his knowledge and intelligence in irreducibly complex drip paintings.

His background was as a PhD in Anthropology and Archeology, while also a doctoral candidate in Biology and Astronomy at the Westchester Institute, neither of which he completed before his untimely death in 1971. But he made his mark as a painter in the rough and tumble macho world of New York Painters in the 50s. Recently, MRI scans of his paintings have confirmed the biological underpinnings of his work, and the theoretical backbone therein.

As recently proven by Dr. Jack Kansas of the Pituitary Institute of Rochester, NY, the drips represent the evolutionary lines of the different species of life on earth, while the underlying (hidden) layers revealed by the MRIs represent the alien origins of the different lines. What's most fascinating is how the reds and the blues are used to show that the plants and red-green algae arrived on earth from 3 distinct galaxies in the Pleiades region of space. Yet the greens and yellows are clearly indicating closer-to-home origins for sea mammals and amphibians - surprisingly enough Pollock does indeed posit that these animals originated in the oceans of Mars.

I have been very interested recently in the development of the black strains in the later paintings. For whereas in his early oeuvre the black lines are indistinguishable from the grey lines representing gastropods with their potent slime trails, in later paintings the black lines clearly become separate and often are seen overlaying the red lines! I know this may seem shocking, but in retrospect it does appear that Pollock had evidence of the appearance of primates from the hidden star systems in sector 20-3666!

We all owe a debt of gratitude to Jackson Pollock for his tireless efforts, and for the good people in Rochester NY who have followed up on their implications.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

A Modest Experiment

How can we know that we are all related evolutionarily speaking? Are all people related to one pair of ancestors, Adam and Eve, or was there a Steve in there too? The Bible doesn't speak of Steve, but then what about Lilith? Or are all people related to one missing link? Is Lucy the mother of us all? Are monotremes mammals? How can we know?

I have devised a simple test to determine the true answers to all of these, and more questions. I have a beaker set up in my lab, and will have sixty million more beakers set up in labs around the world. I've created a soup of pre-cambrian chemicals, and pre-cambrian gases and pre-cambrian electrical storms. Now, it took about 60 million years for the Cambrian Explosion of species. This is described as "and they came into creation at once" (Berlinski). The Discovery Institute has determined that this explosion of all the species in the world all at once is a good proof of Intelligent Design. And Biologists claim that the 60 million year-long explosion of simple and complex species like "the first appearance of molluscs, arthropods, echinoderms and vertebrates." (Dawkins and Coyne) happened over geologic time, and thus proves evolution.

Now since I have set up the proper and exact conditions of the claimed evolution of the Cambrian Explosion, but I don't have 60 million years to wait to see what happens, instead I have come up with the remarkable and far-sighted idea to test the hypotheses presented by these people in one single year, multiplied by 60 million beakers.

The experiment is set to begin on October 1, 2005, and will run until September 31, 2006. At that time we will know the truth. Who will win - Darwin or the Discovery Institute? Stay tuned...

UPDATE: The modest experiment now has its own website, A Modest Experiment. So go visit...

Monday, September 05, 2005

Alaska Sea Life

From the Alaska Sealife Center in Seward comes this video of creationamisms in action, and damn its cute:
Captured on Film: Octopus-Egg Hatching and Young Octopuses Foraging Rare video footage required months of monitoring to attain
If that link doesn't work, here are direct links to the videos:

Hatching:
Windows Media Format
Quicktime Format

Foraging:
Windows Media Format
Quicktime Format

Link from Pharyngula.

Salicylic Acid

Salicylic acid is the backbone of the Harrier Race of Great Beings in the Jesper System two clicks from the Garaga Galaxy. It is also the original material of life on earth. This is because it was deposited here by the Harriers while they were out exploring the universe and seeding the planets for future races of Great Beings. However, something went wrong along the way and instead of Great Harriers, we got Humans. George W Bush, Leader of the United States, believes we were created by an intelligent designer, according to his science team, and he would be right if we had become part of the race of Great Beings. For we are humans, more fallible than Harriers.

What went wrong in their great plan is a great and unknowable mystery. For the answer to that mystery, we turn again to the remarkable leadership of George W Bush's science team. They have developed this New and Improved Theory of Intelligent Design to be taught in public schools starting in time for the 2008 elections:
The Great Creators battled it out one holiday weekend on earth and the Harriers lost and God won. God created us in his image, not in the image of the Harriers. This can be seen in the fact that we do not have twenty arms and 400 eyes, and the fact that we are weak and puny as demonstrated by the democrats. God bless America and goodnight.

Friday, September 02, 2005

The Benevolent Creator Cycle

In the Arabian desert there lies a grave far below the sands that have collected over time. This is the grave of Frugo Pargo, King of Durugustanistan. Frugo was a benevolent dictator back in the days when dictators were benevolent. That was the year 1422BC1. But most interesting about this grave is that it matches exactly a grave in China in the Gunghao district of a King known as Xeixi Yuan Huan. And he too was a benevolent dictator. And he too lived in the year 1422BC2.

In fact, there is some evidence of other Kings in other cities and other provinces all around the world from that era. And it is very possible, even highly probable, that they are all the same man. Or clones. Or maybe they're 4 dozen identical brothers; that cannot be ruled out. But anyway, genetic testing was done in 19923 and redone in 20014 and the evidence has been established beyond a reasonable doubt that they share the same genetics. And carbon dating aligns with documents and the dating of these men is pretty much an absolute certainty too.5

Nanci Pecker of the Headroom Institute in Emeryville, California has an unpublished thesis6 demonstrating a remarkable similarity to an even more ancient king, King Abbadabadabad of Assyria, who ruled in 3202BC.

Philip Weverka of Oakland, California has speculated in the UFO Handbook7 that there is in fact an entire cycle of Kings throughout the entire history of the world that come every 712 years, and include both Kings David and Arthur of legend. The same ones. Mr. Weverka has speculated that they are a race of gods who come back to earth periodically to look in on their creations, while also stepping in to human affairs as benevolent dictators to bring us back onto the right course, in a theory he has called the Benevolent and Godly Creators Who Come Back Cyclically to Nudge us Back onto the Right and Holy Course of Evolution, or more succinctly, The Benevolent Creator Cycle. Thus he predicts we can expect a new correction cycle in 2007, between May and November inclusive.

UPDATE: I have received an email from someone purporting to be Philip Weverka, requesting me to issue an errata. As I do not know what an "errata" is, and as I have not been able to verify that this email comes from someone who is actually named Philip Weverka, I will append the email in toto:
Mr. Davis:

I have found my name in your blog attributing some evolutionary theories to me. Because these are not my theories and are not theories to which I
subscribe, I respectfully request that you remove my name from the blog or issue an errata.

Thank you,

Philip Weverka

As this unknown person claiming to be a "Philip Weverka" has not asked for a retraction, and none is due anyway, please do not mistake this update as a retraction of the post above. I stand 100% behind the post.

1 Graverobbing for Dummies, pp.56-57 Harcourt Brace, New York, 2001
2 ipso facto pp.122
3 At the Institute for Fairness, Yorba Linda, CA
4 At the Discovery Institute, San Clemente, CA
5 Dating done by John Biglebee and Stan Lurd on their own custom atomic radiologers.
6 Jefferson Community College, Xerxes, Nevada
7 Regnery Press, Dallas, TX, 1994
8 what? no more footnotes? well, here's one more just for fun: The Design Revolution: Answering the Toughest Questions About Intelligent Design by William A. Dembski, Intervasity Press, 2004, pp.122-124.

Numerology

Numerology is an honored and time tested method for determining our place in the universe. It's success has been predicated on years of constant vigiliance and total submission to its will. For instance, Tom Cruise once got his numbers read and was told that he would have a really happy and gay time on the Oprah show, and he did.

So to the theory: The numbers are read in a discursive fashion. The Universe is a flexible 32, which combined with Earth, a static 42, adds to a complicated relationship of 7s and 8s. Mankind is a 4 and Women are 6s. Together we produce children with ranges between 2 and 422, in sequence. When you place these numbers in the primary equations1, you get a 16, proof that God created the world not in 6 days but in 16 days, a small matter of 10 days discrepency never fully accounted for in the bible, the torah, the koran, or the book of the dead.

So in turn man was not created as the pinnacle of creation, but as the first experiment on the day before creation proper even began. That's right, we were not part of the 16 days creation at all, but hung around to watch God work, and somehow Adam was able to slip into the creation stream and ended up on Earth, as evidenced by the number 322 appearing in the middle of the third equation. Eve was created (under the sign of the 14) by way of an attempt by God to clone sheep that went awry when Adam stepped into the number field and flipped all the 4s to 5s. Since then, we are trapped in a world visibly shifting on the very ground on which we stand.

1 The primary equations used are:

i.


ii.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Tools

There's a theory that man has evolved to be able to take advantage of tools. However, the earliest tools, as demonstrated by chimpanzees, are sticks used to fish termites out of holes. These sticks are sharp, and nobody likes to get poked in the eye with a sharp stick.

Thus the evolution of war, and the arms race from sticks to stones to cannons to atom bombs exploding in the Nevada desert, near Area 51.

Leadership

The President of the United States is the leader of all of us, US and them too; Leader of the whole world. Throughout history the President has shown leadership on many issues of importance to many people in their day; many of which issues remain forgotten to this day. One of these forgotten issues is the leadership exhibited by President Franklin Pierce.

President Franklin Pierce is a forgotten man; practically an unknown - do you know him? But in his day he was the President of the United States - a great and powerful title. But more than that - he was a Leader. He led the effort to sequence the human genome. This part of history was long forgotten until recently; but make no mistake about it - he was a leader, since he was the President at the time.

And with the information they had at that time, they began the first experiments in genetic engineering. First they took a small elephant and from it they engineered the cow. Thus President Franklin Pierce led the effort that created the steak. A greater gift to humanity had never been known.

Next they took a small blade of grass and from it they engineered corn. mmmmmm... corn on the cob.....

But really, President Franklin Pierce was just getting started. He personally took the human genome and from it he created the first biogenetiheretic person, Man. We are all now descendents of this original Man as created by President Franklin Pierce. He was a great leader, leading Man from out of the flood and into the modern world. Leadership.

For more proof of this theory, take a look inside your personal genome, and you will see Franklin Pierce's fingerprints all over it. Go ahead, I'll wait here. There's the electron microspoce, go ahead. No, really, I'll wait....

Symbiogenesis

The full number of evolution theories available to us today would include some that are clearly incomprehensible, just plain crazy, and/or scientifically rigorous. One of those is this:
University of Massachusetts Amherst biologist Lynn Margulis said that "neo-Darwinism is dead," because "random changes in DNA alone do not lead to speciation. Symbiogenesis--the appearance of new behaviors, tissues, organs, organ systems, physiologies or species as a result of symbiont interaction--is the major source of evolutionary novelty in eukaryotes." (from Michael Shermer, Where the Known Meets the Unknown is Where Science Begins, SciAm, 09/05)
Some definitions would be helpful:
  • Symbiogenesis refers to the merging of two separate organisms to form a single new organism.
  • Eukaryotes are a "super-kingdom" of all organisms with complex cells comprising Plants, Animals, Fungi and Protists.
  • Symbiont is the smaller of two species living together in a symbiotic relationship.
It appears to me that this Dr. Margolis is suggesting that evolution is not just the separation of species over time, but the coming together of species too. This would mean that the traditional evolution family-tree-style charts would really be less like our standard American family-trees (more branches further down the chart) and more like the family-trees of the European Monarchies (inbreeding leads to convoluted branching and rebranching). Thus proving that Dr. Margolis is a Monarchist.