Tuesday, August 30, 2005


"Jazzercise your way to a slimmer you" is not just a slogan anymore. Now it's a new and improved theory of evolution. Let me tell you about what I saw on TV last night. It was late, soon after11:30p, I had just watched John Stewart and was dozing off, when I heard a loud crunch coming from the TV screen. I looked up and saw Judi Sheppard Missett, and she appeared to be speaking directly to me. She leaned in a little and whispered in my ear, "jazzercise is not just an exercise program, it can also explain all of creation." I was intrigued, so I sat up and the TV was off. No infomercial at all, just a blank screen.

So this morning I woke up and the TV was on, and there she was again, Judi was jumping around on the TV, and I thought maybe the dog had stepped on the remote, so I went and showered, and came out, and Judi was still on the TV, speaking directly to me. She said, "Bob, you must listen carefully." And I did. This all happened just 1 hour ago, so I remember everything she said. Here it is:
Bob, the world is a fast and mysterious place. You must be well exercised if you want to understand the meaning of our existence. Come jazzercise with me and you will see. That's right, stand  up Bob. Good. Now sway with the music. A little faster. Good. Now see? You're really getting good at this Bob. Clap your hands together. Good. Jump and turn. Good. Look around you, and what do you see? Do you see your living room? Good. Now look beyond your living room and tell me what you see. Now, don't stop moving to the music. Keep your body in motion, or you won't be able to see further than your own living room.
This is the best description I can come up with for what I saw at that moment. I don't know if I was dreaming, or hallucinating, or making shit up, but this is what I saw:
I saw sixteen angels dancing on the head of a pin, all while the jazzercise music was being played in the background by three horned men with synthesizers and wearing tights. I saw Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs strumming a 42 stringed banjo with 8 hands. I saw Adam and Eve passing out orange slices to everyone who was getting winded. So I looked further and saw that there were thousands of dead people jazzercising. They were all stretching and lifting, lunging and plieing. On the left were the flick-kickers, and on the right were the heel-hoppers. Jesus was Chasseing along the mirrored walls, while Moses grapevined towards Vishnu. Everyone was in step, and the music continued.
So god pulled me over and told me that I wasn't dead yet and shouldn't be there. But I had Judi as my personal guide, so it was OK. And he told me that before there were people, before there was a world, before the sun and the galaxy and the infinite universe, there was Jazzercise. The very movements before me were the movements, the ripples in time, that set off the Big Bang. They are the ripples in history that cause evolution. They are the shifts in perspective that caused the dinosaurs to go extinct and the Mets to win the 1969 World Series. They are the origins and the ends, the meanings and the reasons. Before Jazzercise there was nothing. Without Jazzercise evolution would cease, and the mountains would crumble and the seas would empty. Such is not the kind of life we would want. And then I was home and I found myself at this computer typing this very sentence, and I have no memory of typing the previous words, just this one sentence and this one WORD and then I am done, and I must go rest; my muscles are tired.


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