Friday, August 19, 2005

The Gin Gene

There's a theory of evolution I heard once in a bar in North Dakota, outside the town of Greavey, told to me by a guy in a red-checked work shirt and beer-distributor cap. It went something like this:
Every species evolves to the point where they can distill gin, and then that stops the evolutionary process right in its track. See, we have in our brains a god-given gin-gene. Every living creature on earth has this gin-gene. Every living species on earth is programmed to evolve to figure out how to distill gin. And there are other genes alongside the gin-gene that help the process along, like the beer-gene, thus creating the possibility that beer will be created before gin. So while it may seem like the big companies like Seagrams have secret patented recipes and processes, the truth is that every one of us humans have within us the knowledge in our genes to make gin in our bathtub gin mill.

And this also proves that we humans have evolved to our highest form possible. While the other animals, especially the frogs and the turtles, still have a ways to go. So now we can sit back and relax and enjoy a nice Bombay Sapphire gin and tonic; or better still, my friend Barney makes a great bathtub martini that'll take the hair right off of your chest and strip the varnish off your motorboat too. I think I'm pretty sure that Barney and his kin have stopped the evolutionary process right in its tracks.
Thus proving the theory.

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