Saturday, August 20, 2005

Giant Ball of Fire

There are many alien theories of evolution to explore, but first we must delve into the recently unearthed theory of creationism and evolution found by Dr. Charles Simpley in Africa, among the Hopey Tribe of the Saunders Plains. As Dr. Simpley describes it,
The Hopey believe that the Earth is a giant ball of fire that is currently in a cooling phase; still fire, yes, but seemingly solid. Within the next three generations of their naked warrior-kings, there will be a general warming trend so that soon the earth will explode in a raging inferno. The Hopey believe that this cycle of heating and cooling, known as the Heating/Cooling Cycle by their tribe's naked knowledge-tellers, repeats on a frequent basis (our estimate of their calendar system would indicate that one full cycle lasts roughly 90 years.) The heating phase is like an oven at work, with the Hopey being the creator's chosen chefs, cooking the ingredients, so that early in the cooling phase people come out naked, toasty and warm. And the world is thus reborn again. And as the cooling continues more and more species are released from the flames to solidify their place on Earth, only to be swallowed up again in the next heating cycle. Their quaint notions of death and resurrection are useful for increasing our understanding of their tribal rituals involving the drinking of tiger's blood by their naked warriors before the naked battle.
Dr. Charles Simpley's last book, "My Voyage Among the Naked Natives: In which I Record Everything I see Happening to Me on My Travels Among the Other People Who Welcome Me Into Their Benighted Lives So That I May Teach Them" was a bestseller on the non-fiction sociologist academic-press book list for three weeks in 1985.


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