Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Atlantis

There are many theories about the Lost City of Atlantis floating around the internets, including the plots from countless movies and TV shows, however there is only one true theory, as published in 1999 by Harcourt Brace. And this is it:
Atlantis is the source of all life on Earth.

It was the colony of a civilization that lived on the planet P56x32, in the Perplexa Galaxy, 4252.4432 light-years from Earth in the direction of the Pegasus Galaxy. P56'ers (as they called themselves) were a peaceful and fun-loving people; although they weren't technically people, as the people from the neighboring star system G243 could tell you, if they were still alive today....

Anyway, these P56'ers lived in one of the earliest star systems formed after the Big Bang, or as they liked to call it, "Last Week." So they developed lots of technology and stuff long before the Earth was even formed. As they travelled throughout their solar system and later throughout their galaxy, they were bored. They were looking for more fun than they could find. So they decided they needed inter-galactic travel systems. They created super-highways to the stars that would speed them along their journey. And they came to our star system and they liked it. It turns out that our sun was the perfect size and heat-density in those days for flare-surfing, which soon became a favorite pasttime of the P56'ers. And so they created a colony here they called Atlantis, named after the Captain's favorite pet snokeroo. At that time the Earth was still molten, so Atlantis was created on the planet Mars, where it survived for eons. About the time the Earth had cooled enough to support life was also the time that the Sun had cooled enough to no longer support flare-surfing. And so the P56'ers left for other distant star systems, some gambling at the local casinos, maybe a little shvitz too.

But a small colony was left behind when it was discovered there were janitors and maids and pool-cleaners among the P56'ers; i.e. poor people without enough money to afford the flight back home. These P56'ers, or Atlanteans as they now called themselves, were trapped on Mars, which they kept very clean, with only a few local-spaceships at their disposal. 302,556 years later they came to Earth when the surface was solid, leaving behind the cold cold planet Mars and their soon-to-be-lost settlement, Atlantis.

They brought with them the first plants and animals that began to colonize the new uninhabited planet. However, the Atlanteans themselves died off with the Dinosaurs when the giant asteroid hit Mexico on Cinco de Mayo, in the year -65,302,002 BC.

While long gone, the Atlanteans did leave behind traces of their civilization, which have all been collected at Area 51 in the Nevada desert by the US Air Force. Thus when President Bush announced his Mars Program a couple years ago, he was going on the best advice of his Generals that they would find weapons of mass destruction on Mars in the lost City of Atlantis.
The indisputible and incontrovertible and generally pretty eye-popping evidence for this theory can be found on a series of thirteen websites, each discreetly separated, no links between them, so that the US government doesn't catch on that they've been found out. I list here only two of them so that the rest may remain hidden in plain sight.
  1. The Prophet Donnelly
  2. The Atlantis Hotel in Reno in the heart of the Nevada desert.
I've said too much.

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