Saturday, August 20, 2005

The Arizona Desert at Twilight

Many years ago, a small spot appeared on the horizon. It grew larger over the course of three days. At the end of those three days, the spot was very large indeed. It appeared to be the size of a space ship, clearly of extraterrestrial origin. But that's not important. What's important is that the ship was obscuring the view of the very spot in the universe where the evidence of the universe's own creation was evident. Yes, this spot was the belly-button of the universe. And it was appearing in the Arizona desert on the night of Friday, June 16, 1932. Once the spaceship had left, it appeared to the eyes of Carolyn Spangler that she was able to reach out and touch this spot, this belly-button if you will. But no, she was not able to touch it. It turns out that the spot which appeared right in front of her eyes was actually quite far away. And so she set out on a journey. A long journey. A journey of many days, hours, minutes, and seconds. That journey has now been completed and here is her report:
It was like looking into the face of god, that first day walking towards that spot. It was the face of god. Well, not the face so much, but I knew that somewhere there off in the distance I would find god.

What I found instead is even more incredible, more exciting, more stupendously fantastic and good too. What I found was the origin of the universe. And before that what came before the universe. And after that what the universe was becoming.

All the answers were before me; and when I reached them, they were good. Here are the answers:
  1. The Universe was created in a virgin birth. There is a mother, but no father.
  2. The Universe is a still a baby. A whiny baby that cries a lot. Pouts, too.
  3. The Universe's mother is named Edna. She is very pretty indeed. Edna needed a rest. Thus she called me, to be the Universe's babysitter for an evening. (My rates were very reasonable).
  4. Changing the Universe's diaper is unpleasant, at best.
  5. The future of the Universe is that it is destined to become a stockbroker. Though some have suggested it should become an engineer, engineering schools are difficult to get into, and our little Universe is not showing any particular signs of intelligence at this time.
  6. As the Universe ages, it will grow and evolve. And so will we along with it. Our destiny is contained within the success or failure of the Universe within the next eon. This will be determined through the Universe's skill at field hockey - a good and entertaining pastime.
  7. While the future is not yet knoweable, what we can know at this time is how much it will cost. $420 per person. Tips are not required, but are suggested ($20 per adult and $5 per child.)
This report has been proven authentic by no less a personage than the Queen of England. Thus proving this alternate theory of evolution. May god help us all.


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