Wednesday, August 31, 2005

After the Flood

New Orleans, 2005
It's not a theory, it's a fact (from DailyKos)

Atlantis

There are many theories about the Lost City of Atlantis floating around the internets, including the plots from countless movies and TV shows, however there is only one true theory, as published in 1999 by Harcourt Brace. And this is it:
Atlantis is the source of all life on Earth.

It was the colony of a civilization that lived on the planet P56x32, in the Perplexa Galaxy, 4252.4432 light-years from Earth in the direction of the Pegasus Galaxy. P56'ers (as they called themselves) were a peaceful and fun-loving people; although they weren't technically people, as the people from the neighboring star system G243 could tell you, if they were still alive today....

Anyway, these P56'ers lived in one of the earliest star systems formed after the Big Bang, or as they liked to call it, "Last Week." So they developed lots of technology and stuff long before the Earth was even formed. As they travelled throughout their solar system and later throughout their galaxy, they were bored. They were looking for more fun than they could find. So they decided they needed inter-galactic travel systems. They created super-highways to the stars that would speed them along their journey. And they came to our star system and they liked it. It turns out that our sun was the perfect size and heat-density in those days for flare-surfing, which soon became a favorite pasttime of the P56'ers. And so they created a colony here they called Atlantis, named after the Captain's favorite pet snokeroo. At that time the Earth was still molten, so Atlantis was created on the planet Mars, where it survived for eons. About the time the Earth had cooled enough to support life was also the time that the Sun had cooled enough to no longer support flare-surfing. And so the P56'ers left for other distant star systems, some gambling at the local casinos, maybe a little shvitz too.

But a small colony was left behind when it was discovered there were janitors and maids and pool-cleaners among the P56'ers; i.e. poor people without enough money to afford the flight back home. These P56'ers, or Atlanteans as they now called themselves, were trapped on Mars, which they kept very clean, with only a few local-spaceships at their disposal. 302,556 years later they came to Earth when the surface was solid, leaving behind the cold cold planet Mars and their soon-to-be-lost settlement, Atlantis.

They brought with them the first plants and animals that began to colonize the new uninhabited planet. However, the Atlanteans themselves died off with the Dinosaurs when the giant asteroid hit Mexico on Cinco de Mayo, in the year -65,302,002 BC.

While long gone, the Atlanteans did leave behind traces of their civilization, which have all been collected at Area 51 in the Nevada desert by the US Air Force. Thus when President Bush announced his Mars Program a couple years ago, he was going on the best advice of his Generals that they would find weapons of mass destruction on Mars in the lost City of Atlantis.
The indisputible and incontrovertible and generally pretty eye-popping evidence for this theory can be found on a series of thirteen websites, each discreetly separated, no links between them, so that the US government doesn't catch on that they've been found out. I list here only two of them so that the rest may remain hidden in plain sight.
  1. The Prophet Donnelly
  2. The Atlantis Hotel in Reno in the heart of the Nevada desert.
I've said too much.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Yes, it's Pastafarianism

I haven't posted the theory of the Flying Spaghetti Monster yet, nor of the $250,000 challenge, because frankly, they don't need the press. Boy, do they get good press. And now its the NYTimes' turn. So here is a quick summary of Pastafarianism (T-shirts available):
...What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process... (b)ut what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage...
And I add my own quote from the Flying Spaghetti Monster, read in a secretive library in a special chamber guarded by uniformed men under an unknown skylight in a small town in the center of a larger town on the edges of a really big city in the middle of Italy in Europe:
And they shall eat of the fruit of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and they shall have filled bellies and feel full and satisfied.
What more proof do those School Board members in Kansas need?

Jazzercise

"Jazzercise your way to a slimmer you" is not just a slogan anymore. Now it's a new and improved theory of evolution. Let me tell you about what I saw on TV last night. It was late, soon after11:30p, I had just watched John Stewart and was dozing off, when I heard a loud crunch coming from the TV screen. I looked up and saw Judi Sheppard Missett, and she appeared to be speaking directly to me. She leaned in a little and whispered in my ear, "jazzercise is not just an exercise program, it can also explain all of creation." I was intrigued, so I sat up and the TV was off. No infomercial at all, just a blank screen.

So this morning I woke up and the TV was on, and there she was again, Judi was jumping around on the TV, and I thought maybe the dog had stepped on the remote, so I went and showered, and came out, and Judi was still on the TV, speaking directly to me. She said, "Bob, you must listen carefully." And I did. This all happened just 1 hour ago, so I remember everything she said. Here it is:
Bob, the world is a fast and mysterious place. You must be well exercised if you want to understand the meaning of our existence. Come jazzercise with me and you will see. That's right, stand  up Bob. Good. Now sway with the music. A little faster. Good. Now see? You're really getting good at this Bob. Clap your hands together. Good. Jump and turn. Good. Look around you, and what do you see? Do you see your living room? Good. Now look beyond your living room and tell me what you see. Now, don't stop moving to the music. Keep your body in motion, or you won't be able to see further than your own living room.
This is the best description I can come up with for what I saw at that moment. I don't know if I was dreaming, or hallucinating, or making shit up, but this is what I saw:
I saw sixteen angels dancing on the head of a pin, all while the jazzercise music was being played in the background by three horned men with synthesizers and wearing tights. I saw Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs strumming a 42 stringed banjo with 8 hands. I saw Adam and Eve passing out orange slices to everyone who was getting winded. So I looked further and saw that there were thousands of dead people jazzercising. They were all stretching and lifting, lunging and plieing. On the left were the flick-kickers, and on the right were the heel-hoppers. Jesus was Chasseing along the mirrored walls, while Moses grapevined towards Vishnu. Everyone was in step, and the music continued.
So god pulled me over and told me that I wasn't dead yet and shouldn't be there. But I had Judi as my personal guide, so it was OK. And he told me that before there were people, before there was a world, before the sun and the galaxy and the infinite universe, there was Jazzercise. The very movements before me were the movements, the ripples in time, that set off the Big Bang. They are the ripples in history that cause evolution. They are the shifts in perspective that caused the dinosaurs to go extinct and the Mets to win the 1969 World Series. They are the origins and the ends, the meanings and the reasons. Before Jazzercise there was nothing. Without Jazzercise evolution would cease, and the mountains would crumble and the seas would empty. Such is not the kind of life we would want. And then I was home and I found myself at this computer typing this very sentence, and I have no memory of typing the previous words, just this one sentence and this one WORD and then I am done, and I must go rest; my muscles are tired.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Intelligent Design from the Discovery Institute?

I keep hearing from people who have a problem with the standard theory of Intelligent Design as invented by the Discovery Institute; namely that if the designer was so intelligent, then:
Why do men have nipples?
Wouldn't three legs be better than two?
Why do we need to sleep for 1/3 of the day?
If god had wanted us to fly, he would have given us wings. Cool.
or: If god had wanted us to drive, he would have given us wheels. Awesome.
Is the duck-billed platypus some kind of a joke?
Shaving sucks.
So one variation of the Intelligent Design theory would seem to be the Unintelligent Designer theory. I think if you look closely at the questions above, it becomes apparent that the designer of all creation is actually a 14-year-old boy, deep in the throes of puberty and confused as to how he was putting the ingredients together that created the universe. So some mistakes were made. He still got a B on the project and that brought his semester average up to B-, what with the C in chemistry and the D in history. Fortunately that was good enough for him to get into the local community college, where he majored in drama.

Intelligent Dentistry

Now every newspaper is helping me to collect more evolution theories. It has officially become a trend. The San Francisco Chronicle has an article with 4, count them, 4 new theories.
Dr. Norris Gravlox, an oral surgeon and a leading proponent of the intelligent design theory of how children evolve into grown-ups, is the author of a new paper on how homo sapiens come to be "divinely blessed" with teeth, which have played a major role in humans' swift rise up the evolutionary ladder.

Gravlox, who teaches at the Evangelical School of Dentistry in Bald Knob (TN), maintains that a force known as the tooth fairy is responsible for children growing new teeth, which he calls a miracle that only a larger power could have possibly conceived. The tooth fairy theory, which has come under attack by many modern dental scholars, is outlined in his article in the New England Journal of Folklore.

According to Gravlox's theory, when a child loses a baby tooth, an invisible yet very real spirit signifies the event with a shiny coin, often a quarter, deposited under the child's pillow the next morning -- "clear evidence that something is going on. And then, six months later -- bingo! -- a brand new tooth appears."

Writes Gravlox, "Traditional medical experts will laugh, of course, but no other explanation is possible other than the existence of an angel of dental design."

It's not a subtle or complex theory, but it did appear in the Sunday paper, so it must be true. If you're still not convinced, go read the other 3 theories.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

It's More Interesting

The New York Times gets into more evolution theories in an oped smackdown of intelligent design.
Show me the Science
by Daniel C. Dennett
...About six million years ago, intelligent genetic engineers from another galaxy visited Earth and decided that it would be a more interesting planet if there was a language-using, religion-forming species on it, so they sequestered some primates and genetically re-engineered them to give them the language instinct, and enlarged frontal lobes for planning and reflection. It worked....

(link from Just a Bump in the Beltway, which has a copy of the full article for after the NYTimes puts it behind their subscription wall.)

Cactus Spines

Have you ever looked at cactus spines? I mean, really looked closely? Probably not, since you'd get poked in the eye if you had. But here's an unadulterated nifty picture of a closeup of tiny itty bitty cactus spines:


This cactus spine is magnified 1000 times. Notice the small spot near the tip? A dark spot. Let's look a little closer. Zoom in 2000 times:


What's that? The spot appears to be a small figure. Hmmmm. let's zoom in to 4000 times:


Oh my god, what is that? This is shocking! Focus the image! Hurry!


Oy! Is that what I think it is? Color-correct the image! Quick!


Nooooo!!!! It can't be! Zoom in closer! 10,000 times magnify!


Well, that beats all. It's a teddy bear. Ahhhhh, isn't that cute. So it appears that cactus spines are intelligent enough to own and care for stuffed animals. If anything was ever proof of a higher intelligence, this proves beyond any doubt the Intelligent Cactus Spine Theory of Evolution.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Abraham Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln was a fine, fine man. He freed the slaves, and he won the Civil War and he invented the tall black hat and he was very intelligent and carved his own figure into Mount Rushmore. I would venture to say that Abraham Lincoln was the best and smartest American President ever. Everybody loves Lincoln. And we all know that Americans are the smartest and most intelligent and best and most advanced society ever created - verily, we are the "End of History."

Lincoln was the most important piece of the puzzle of the American History that led to us, er I mean the US. He was practically the
architect of the modern USA. The designer even. And a very intelligentone at that. Logic dictates that Americans being the best and greatest ever must have invented evolution, and Abraham Lincoln is the one indispensable part of America and what got us to this very point in history, so therefore, Abraham Lincoln is the most intelligent designer that ever lived. Abraham Lincoln is the progenitor of all of creation. Thus he is the Intelligent Designer, the designer of creation and evolution and everything in the whole world.

Friday, August 26, 2005

In the Image of Monkeys

Here we have a very special evolution theory collected from Bill Maher (from August 19, 2005) on his lovely HBO show, Real Time with Bill Maher. First he talks about various scientific questions that man has pondered for millenia:
-The thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, because it's a god....
-You might as well worship the U.S. Mail. It came again! Praise, Jesus!
-Thunder is... God bowling.
-Babies come from storks...
Then he gets to the meat of the matter - his personal theory of evolution:
Now as for me, I believe in evolution and intelligent design. I think God designed us in his image, but I also think God is a monkey! God bless you and goodnight!

Pixie Dust

This theory was more prevalent during the middle ages (also known as the "dark ages" or "when dragons ruled the earth"). However, it has made a comeback in recent years thanks to the bestselling non-fiction books "When Pixies Attack" (1992) and, "How to Harness the Pixie Within; A Guide to Solving all Your Problems in one Easy Step." (2004) While related to Fairies, it is a common misconception to link the Fairy Theory of Evolution with the Pixie Theory of Creationism. In addition, there are several Intelligent Elf theories that are inherent in the Cuiviénen view of the world.

Here then is the seminal version of the Pixie Theory from the 1833 book, "Where Doth the Pixie Land?" by Byron von Hertzberg:
Sometimes it seems to us mere mortals that we cannot even see the pixies, so therefore one must question their very existence. This viewpoint is terribly, terribly wrong. Violently, viciously wrong. Horribly, meanly wrong.... wrong... patently false, spurious, ....wrong...

If you examine the structure of the human eye, it is irreducibly complicated, and complex, and certainly of such fine tiny structure as to be beneath the purview of God.... Clearly, god has delegated many of his tasks to the creatures of the forest.... And when you examine all the details, you will notice the particular structure of the eye. Across from the ciliary body, where the fovea is delicately inserted into the surface of the retina, there are sixteen tiny pillaries formed from the remains of the original pixie dust that was used to create the heavens. This is the hallmark of the work of pixies....

Clearly God has delegated the creation of man to the pixies. Woman is a different matter entirely...
(Where Doth the Pixie Land, pp13-22., Harcourt Press, London, 1833)

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Intelligent Light

And on the 6th day the lord god made the Clapper, so that Americans would not have to get up from the couch after watching TV, but praise be to the intelligent light for allowing man to lie down in comfort with no light to shine in his eyes. An so unto man came the refrigerator, and the light therein was harsh, expensive, and it came in small bulbs. And so it was His decision to make intelligent light for the refrigerator, and lo the light turned off when the door was closed. These are the benefits we receive for Your blessing. These are the lights that are more evolved, more intelligent, more like unto god. For verily they were created in His image at the very beginning of time, the time when he said unto his unformed universe, "let there be intelligent light." And there was intelligent light, and it was good. And so the search for intelligent light in the universe was complete.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Spaceship Earth

It's like we live on a large spaceship, called Earth, that is hurtling through the cosmos at faster than light-speed. And we humans are parts of the ship's engine, and the plants are the fuel, and the other animals are the mindless drones that run the ship. And as this great ship called earth is hurtling to its destiny, we are hurtling too. And as a spaceship must evolve or crash into that meteor over there, so too must we let our spaceship, called Earth, evolve. And as the control units on the spaceship must grow longer and longer control sticks so that the young masters can reach the peddles while sitting on a telephone book to see through the windshield, so too must we grow in our intelligence to see over the windshield of life while we are still such a young species, here on earth. And the Giraffes must grow their longer necks so they can stick their neck out for us and check the rear view mirror to make sure we really have missed that comet over there. And the octopus tentacles can reach out and push the comet away before it is too late, and the alligators are scary so the aliens won't try to board our spaceship, a metaphor called Earth.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Ignorant Bastards

This theory has six parts:
  1. Nobody here can claim the mantle of Universal Intelligence.
  2. Nobody here can claim the mantle of Universal Designer.
  3. Nobody here can personally Evolve.
  4. Nobody here is the personal precursor to a fully evolved species.
  5. Nobody here is responsible for the evolved state of the world today.
  6. Nobody here knows.
The great thing about this theory is that it doesn't actually speak to any of the issues that cause arguments. For instance: Are cell structures irremedially complex? Are there signs of Evolution to be found in fossils scattered on planets throughout the known Universe? What happened to the fourth-level missing link? How many monkeys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Is the Discovery Institute real or a figment of my overheated imagination?

This theory has nothing to say about any of these issues. Instead, if you read it carefully, you see that it has much to say about one small corner of the evolutionary debate: Whatever the Universe is doing right now, wherever it is choosing to do it, it will do just fine without us, for we are the ignorant bastards.

Biomechanoid B77301

Hamumu speaks of a biomechanoid theory of creation and evolution, and of the pyramids too:

In 2093, the race of biomechanical robots we constructed that took over and made us into slaves that they harvest for repair organs built a time machine. A group of renegade humans from an underground resistance invaded the time machine complex, and in attempting to destroy it, they triggered it in an unstable fashion. There was an explosion of tachyon particles and the humans and biomechanoids nearby were all disintegrated and torn into bits, which were thrown back through the timestream to 4000BC (where the earth was just an empty husk, no signs of life). One of the biomechanoids remained just intact enough to attempt to rebuild the tissue he saw into more working biomechanoids. He tried and tried, for 7 days and nights, before his power cells overloaded and exploded, creating the Grand Canyon. But in those 7 days, he had made millions of failed experiments (his brain was badly damaged during the time travel), which we now know today as the incredible diversity of life on this planet. Since then they haven’t evolved of course, because evolution is a ridiculous lie by atheistic neodarwinist fundamentalists. They were all made by the biomechanoid, B77301.

Luckily all the animals had wandered away before the explosion, by the way, except for the dinosaurs who were too slow and were immediately fossilized in the blast (the story of plants is an interesting sidenote: he made millions of different kinds of seeds, and fired them skyward in disgust as they turned out to not be biomechanoids like himself, where they were carried on the wind and took root all around the world). If you hear of any fossils found anywhere other than the Grand Canyon, it’s all a hoax - they were collected there and shipped elsewhere by neodarwinists in order to support their perverted worldview.

Oh, and he also built the pyramids.

Truly, a convincing theory. I would only add the possibility that there was more than one biomechanoid at work that day. Maybe two. How else to explain mushrooms?

Saturday, August 20, 2005

The Arizona Desert at Twilight

Many years ago, a small spot appeared on the horizon. It grew larger over the course of three days. At the end of those three days, the spot was very large indeed. It appeared to be the size of a space ship, clearly of extraterrestrial origin. But that's not important. What's important is that the ship was obscuring the view of the very spot in the universe where the evidence of the universe's own creation was evident. Yes, this spot was the belly-button of the universe. And it was appearing in the Arizona desert on the night of Friday, June 16, 1932. Once the spaceship had left, it appeared to the eyes of Carolyn Spangler that she was able to reach out and touch this spot, this belly-button if you will. But no, she was not able to touch it. It turns out that the spot which appeared right in front of her eyes was actually quite far away. And so she set out on a journey. A long journey. A journey of many days, hours, minutes, and seconds. That journey has now been completed and here is her report:
It was like looking into the face of god, that first day walking towards that spot. It was the face of god. Well, not the face so much, but I knew that somewhere there off in the distance I would find god.

What I found instead is even more incredible, more exciting, more stupendously fantastic and good too. What I found was the origin of the universe. And before that what came before the universe. And after that what the universe was becoming.

All the answers were before me; and when I reached them, they were good. Here are the answers:
  1. The Universe was created in a virgin birth. There is a mother, but no father.
  2. The Universe is a still a baby. A whiny baby that cries a lot. Pouts, too.
  3. The Universe's mother is named Edna. She is very pretty indeed. Edna needed a rest. Thus she called me, to be the Universe's babysitter for an evening. (My rates were very reasonable).
  4. Changing the Universe's diaper is unpleasant, at best.
  5. The future of the Universe is that it is destined to become a stockbroker. Though some have suggested it should become an engineer, engineering schools are difficult to get into, and our little Universe is not showing any particular signs of intelligence at this time.
  6. As the Universe ages, it will grow and evolve. And so will we along with it. Our destiny is contained within the success or failure of the Universe within the next eon. This will be determined through the Universe's skill at field hockey - a good and entertaining pastime.
  7. While the future is not yet knoweable, what we can know at this time is how much it will cost. $420 per person. Tips are not required, but are suggested ($20 per adult and $5 per child.)
This report has been proven authentic by no less a personage than the Queen of England. Thus proving this alternate theory of evolution. May god help us all.

Cats

One of the least favored alternate theories of evolution recently is the theory that the world was created by a cat, during naptime, which as you know lasts most of the day, especially when it is sunny all day and a ray of sun shines in right on top of the TV in that one special spot where the cat likes to sleep. So you can see the cat had a lot of time to dream up all the details of the different species, like how cats are ferocious and dogs are dumb and mice are delicious and people are good at operating can-openers. Which is true. So the theory has merit.

Giant Ball of Fire

There are many alien theories of evolution to explore, but first we must delve into the recently unearthed theory of creationism and evolution found by Dr. Charles Simpley in Africa, among the Hopey Tribe of the Saunders Plains. As Dr. Simpley describes it,
The Hopey believe that the Earth is a giant ball of fire that is currently in a cooling phase; still fire, yes, but seemingly solid. Within the next three generations of their naked warrior-kings, there will be a general warming trend so that soon the earth will explode in a raging inferno. The Hopey believe that this cycle of heating and cooling, known as the Heating/Cooling Cycle by their tribe's naked knowledge-tellers, repeats on a frequent basis (our estimate of their calendar system would indicate that one full cycle lasts roughly 90 years.) The heating phase is like an oven at work, with the Hopey being the creator's chosen chefs, cooking the ingredients, so that early in the cooling phase people come out naked, toasty and warm. And the world is thus reborn again. And as the cooling continues more and more species are released from the flames to solidify their place on Earth, only to be swallowed up again in the next heating cycle. Their quaint notions of death and resurrection are useful for increasing our understanding of their tribal rituals involving the drinking of tiger's blood by their naked warriors before the naked battle.
Dr. Charles Simpley's last book, "My Voyage Among the Naked Natives: In which I Record Everything I see Happening to Me on My Travels Among the Other People Who Welcome Me Into Their Benighted Lives So That I May Teach Them" was a bestseller on the non-fiction sociologist academic-press book list for three weeks in 1985.

APT

A most subtle and remarkable theory to consider is the APT (Alien Poop Theory) that says alien poop, which contains significant quantities of DNA, regularly travels across the various galaxies and periodically plops on Earth.

This explains both the origin of life, i.e. the first appearance of DNA on Earth, in the form of corn kernels (see Klirk Fossils discovered 1932 near Grants Pass, Colorado), as well as the continuing expansion of evolutionary advantages over time, as the waste from foreign worlds "fertilizes" the explosion of speciation on Earth.

The unaccountably horrid odor of the duck-billed platypus is proof of this particular theory.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Falling

As many have remarked, there's a new theory of gravity on the web, the Intelligent Falling Theory, courtesy of those good folks at the Onion.

We're From Other Planets, v1.0

I've been thinking hard about an alternate theory of evolution I heard at Justice Sunday last week. These three young men in their early twenties were talking about women and how hard it was to find a good wife and all, and they started talking about the differences between men and women and how, well, you know, "men are from Mars and women are from Venus" especially since we're at war, and Mars was the god of war, so today it's especially true and all you had to do was look at our president, Mr. Bush to really see the truth of the statement that men are from Mars. Although it readily became apparent that these 3 young men didn't have a whole lot of experience with women and so were less sure of the female half of the theory. Still they decided that since Mrs. Bush is a librarian then it also must be true that women are from Venus.

So like I said, I was thinking about this, and I think it may really be true, that men are from Mars and women are from Venus; you know, the planets, and the old Greek gods too, Mars and Venus, the gods of war and love, respectively. I think those young republicans at Justice Sunday were onto something. Something ancient, something a little bit pagan, a little bit sci-fi; something with just a little bit too much truth to it to be ignored. Something that could set an author up on the bestseller list for 6 years straight. I mean, it's been published, printed, filmed, recorded, edited, rerecorded, now out on DVD, and read by millions of women the world over. Thus proving the theory.

The Gin Gene

There's a theory of evolution I heard once in a bar in North Dakota, outside the town of Greavey, told to me by a guy in a red-checked work shirt and beer-distributor cap. It went something like this:
Every species evolves to the point where they can distill gin, and then that stops the evolutionary process right in its track. See, we have in our brains a god-given gin-gene. Every living creature on earth has this gin-gene. Every living species on earth is programmed to evolve to figure out how to distill gin. And there are other genes alongside the gin-gene that help the process along, like the beer-gene, thus creating the possibility that beer will be created before gin. So while it may seem like the big companies like Seagrams have secret patented recipes and processes, the truth is that every one of us humans have within us the knowledge in our genes to make gin in our bathtub gin mill.

And this also proves that we humans have evolved to our highest form possible. While the other animals, especially the frogs and the turtles, still have a ways to go. So now we can sit back and relax and enjoy a nice Bombay Sapphire gin and tonic; or better still, my friend Barney makes a great bathtub martini that'll take the hair right off of your chest and strip the varnish off your motorboat too. I think I'm pretty sure that Barney and his kin have stopped the evolutionary process right in its tracks.
Thus proving the theory.

Theory of Theories

In this our first post on More Evolution Theories, I would like to start off with the remarkable "Theory of Theories":
All theories are theories as soon as they have been spoken out loud.
This is a most remarkable theory, first proposed by Guignol in 1213 in Janiceburg, France. He first wrote it down on parchment, copied it out and distributed it to everyone in the French Conservatory. They absolutely rejected this theory on its face. In humiliation, he was forced to retire to the island of Caccaral in 1214 where he quickly died in poverty and penance.

But his words live on, because to his good fortune his "Theory of Theories" was presented to the British Parliament for ratification as an adjunct to the Magna Carta in 1215, and thus was officially spoken out loud by the good Sir William of Forest. It was actually remarkable: as soon as the theory was spoken out loud, it became a theory and was accepted the world over - truly - thus proving the theory of theories for the first and last time.

Thus it is that Intelligent Design (ID) and Creationism and Darwinian Evolution are all equally considered "Theories" - for they have all been spoken out loud, some even by members of the British Parliament.

Thus it is the purpose of this website to chronicle all those theories that have been spoken out loud, and some that haven't yet but have been thought out loud, regarding the evolution of the species and the creation of the world. The "Theory of Theories" demands no less. As there are quite a few of these "Evolution Theories" we expect this task to take a while and expect to finish this chronicle by the year 32031, by 11:30am if we are prompt. Please come back often to see our progress.